Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Mclaren expects stern test in Andorra

Barcelona- At a chaotic press conference this afternoon the England manager Steve "Ginger comb-over" Mclaren declared that he expects the mighty footballing power of Andorra to give his England side one of the sternest tests they have yet faced.

The ginger supremo told reporters he fully expected the Andorrans to press the ball and put England under pressure from the start "I have watched the Andorrans and they are probably one of the best sides in the world, even though results in the last ten years have mainly gone against them, so I will be happy to get a point from what I believe will be a very tight game."
Reacting angrily to suggestions that his team were a cosseted set of fragile prima donas Mclaren said "That's absolute rubbish!! They have proved that by promising not to go out for a drink before the game and Rooney even promised me I could have his shirt after the game so I don't know where you get all this fragile Madonna stuff from."

England are expected to field a revolutionary 5-5 formation in the hopes of stifling the Andorran attack and of taking home a hard earned point.

Mclaren talking of his thinking behind the new formation said "We know they are going to put us under a lot of pressure for long periods in this game and to make sure we dont crack I've been working very hard on our midfield movement and I dont want to count my chickens but yesterday I think gerrard recognized frankie lampard!! So I'm hopeful that we have at last sorted out our midfield problem.

Whether Mclaren's claims to have fixed England's faltering midfield are true or not will be seen wednesday night in the heat of the battle against the mighty Andorrans in Barcelona's Olympic stadium.

Friday, 23 March 2007

Why I support George W Bush

I'm going to let you good folks in on a little secret, a secret not even my closest friends know, intrigued?

Once a very long time ago while still in college, your faithful reporter once voted Democrat.
Now I know what you're thinking, why did a patriotic all American boy like him sell his very essence to the vile anti American communist entity that plagues our sacred electoral system?

Well like all red blooded American males I did something I'm not proud of for one reason and one reason only- to get laid.

Now I'm not here to advocate or even justify my vile actions to a obviously horrified nation, no I'm here to say yes, you can commit crimes in your youth and filled with regret you can also strive like a patriot to correct the wrongs you have done to the American people.

For does it not say in the good book, (the book of Cyril, verse four.)

Thoust shall make all right in your older days, all that thouest done wrong in thouest younger days, and ye shall never again touch your neighbours donkey in an inappropriate manner without said donkeys express and written permission.

This is one of the reasons I now feel obliged to support our current president, a man who though born to great power is a humble man, as at home reading stories of goats to beautiful wholesome American children as he is waging a valiant holy war against those filthy rag headed heathens who blatantly deny our lord Jesus Christ.

Now I can hear the traitorous left leaning scum among you say yes, we know the president is a good and humble man but we hate all that is just and righteously American, why should we support the president?

I'll tell you why you dirty liberal pinko bastards, because we have your names and addresses, you really think that the ballot box is secret?
Think again you filthy socialist traitors, we know who you put your dirty little mark against and in the not too distant future expect a knock on the door in the middle of the night.

This is why, after a youthful indiscretion I've worked my whole life to right that wrong and to steer the young and impressionable minds of this country into voting for a man with vision, a man with faith, a man with more than twenty pairs of cowboy boots.
And that folks is why I support George W Bush the forty third and in my view the greatest president this union ever elected.

Wednesday, 21 March 2007

Swastika slave girls in Argentina's no escape brothel camps

Buenos Aries- The proud Argentine nation may be best known for the Tango, Evita, beef and cheating soccer midgets.
But deep underneath the garish azure skies and various Nazi Juntas lies possibly the darkest secret of all.

Newly declassified documents from the capital's Archivos documentales muy secretos have revealed the existence of a network of super secret Nazi brothel camps. The camps known as "Campos de la putas" were frequented by the armed forces top brass and even members of Argentina's 750 post war governments.

The horrific sex camps were established sometime after 1945 and scattered across the nations vast pampas grass lands.
The "Bitch camps" were filled with female opponents of Juan peron's "Sunshine and beef" fascism and staffed by members of Argentina's elite Tango del muerte commando unit.

Female prisoners were made to wear regulation lingerie and fed only on oysters and secret sex vitamins manufactured by the infamous Nazi war criminal Dr Ernst Shitclitz (who had been living in Argentina since 1951 under the name Juan puta.)

The existence of these camps was highly classified and admittance restricted to members of the ruling juntas and visiting dignitaries.
Once such visiting dignitary, Henry Kissinger, was so impressed by the camps that on his return to Washington he urged the then President, Richard Nixon, to to establish American versions.
Though the American versions were never built largely due to the Watergate debacle; the idea did live on and was successfully adapted by Halliburton in war torn Bosnia.

The Argentine camps continued to function as depositories of VIP sperm until well into the eighties when Argentina's smallest bitch camp was liberated by British troops after the fall of Port Stanley during the Falklands crisis.
British commanders were so shocked and turned on by conditions in the liberated bitch camp that to this day soldiers who witnessed the utter sexiness of the camp steadfastly refuse to fully reveal the horrific details of the south Atlantic's dirtiest secret.

Thursday, 15 March 2007

A final solution to the french problem?

When I first approached the editor here at News direct with my idea for this editorial he dragged his wet bloodshot eyes up from the latest letter from his ex wife's lawyer and with quavering voice told me to "Get the fuck out of my office and go waste some other cunt's time."

That's when I knew I had hit upon the proverbial goldmine.

Just what is it about the French that can raise temperatures sky high and have reasonable well educated men frothing at the mouth with loathing and barely disguised contempt.

Now those of you who have read my previous editorials will know that I'm a tolerant and well meaning man, happiest when meteing out some finely crafted nuggets of advice to my faithful readers or indeed simply sat at home polishing my extensive collection of civil war skulls.But even the barest mention of the F word is enough to make me want to go on a well planned shooting spree in the nearest schoolyard.

Why is this? Is it the superior attitude? or the vast collections of mouldy rank smelling old milk they have the audacity to call cheese? Is it the ridiculous way they pretend to have their own language, (which by the way is only spoken when American citizens are within earshot)

I have pondered this question for over a week now and after long and careful deliberation I have come to the conclusion that the thing we hate most of all about them, the thing that really gets up our noses is the simple irrefutable fact that ninety nine point nine per cent of them are filthy, dirty garlic stained communists in league with not only the now defunct and underground soviet menace but also the crypto communist Islamic fascists now threatening our very way of life here on god's chosen continent.

So what is the "Final solution" to our probleme Francais.
To my way of thinking its simple enough, this might sound harsh and I know there's a whole lot of liberal scum out there that will castigate me for this.
But I really do believe the only way to solve this tricky problem is with the use of nuclear weapons.

Now I know this is a radical solution but for the sake of humankind I think it would be best to deal with these odour ridden rascals now before they have a chance to breed beyond the size of their already huge population.

Sure we would miss baguettes and the simple elegant tailoring of Mr Pierre Cardin, but I think any rational man who meditates on the problem as I have for over week now, will surely come to the same conclusions. I leave you to decide.

Wednesday, 14 March 2007

Some random thoughts on Orwell's 1984

Now as you may know, I'm not an avid reader and I truthfully and wholeheartedly believe that the vast majority of books now in print are shameful communistic attempts to brainwash unwary Americans.
But recently I was persuaded by a confirmed anti communist all American patriot, whom I had met through my membership of the Jail Cindy Sheehan coalition, to read Mr George Orwell's much vaunted vision of the future.

Having read the book day and night for the last six months and only just this morning finishing it; I have to say what a magnificent piece of work it was.
For those of my readers who have not yet read Mr Orwell's classic masterpiece, I shall try to give you a brief flavour of his fantastic morality tale.
So maybe one day we can achieve the society Mr Orwell called for, and I believe, we all deserve.

The book is primarily about a traitorous piece of commie scum called Winston something or other. Who, even though he lives in an ideal state, takes it upon himself to become a filthy "Thought" terrorist.
The ungrateful Smith then starts to not only question the nations super efficient system of government but also most disgracefully of all he begins to question his beloved leader and all this in a time of war against an implacable eastern enemy.

But all is not lost because with marvellous foresight the ever paternalistic government had been watching every single citizen and carefully monitoring all seditious conversations.
This results in the treacherous son of a bitch eventually being caught in a beautifully crafted sting operation, and rightfully brought to justice for his heinous crimes.

This Winston character was then "questioned" (with what I thought were some fantastically inventive techniques) until like all cowardly terrorists he cracked and gave up his guilty colleagues.
The book ends with a repentant Terrorist who is, after some retraining in the ideals of the nation, then allowed to rejoin decent civilized society.
Even though I found the ending of the book objectionable, because I believe they should have shot him as soon as he confessed to his ghastly crimes, I would heartily recommend Mr Orwell's fine vision of a utopia nearly spoiled by one bad apple, and pray that our future paradise doesn't fall prey to a similar act of filthy sedition

Sex shop for dwarves

London- Deep in the heart of London's red light district amid the sleazy neon and whispered requests something revolutionary is turning heads and clucking modest tongues.

Arnie Gufflink sexual entrepreneur and convicted piscophile has just unveiled plans for Soho's latest addition; a three storey sexual boutique for people of restricted height.

I met Mr Gufflink in his luxurious fur lined penthouse office/home at the top of his new million pound idea, and asked him how he spotted this small gap in the market "well I have always been in the sex trade and I have always been what you could call pioneer.
I was the one who brought edible underwear to this country, not just that either, latex knacker gloves, anal peep hole pants, laminated jazz mags all that stuff was mine. So when I finished giving her majesty pleasure late last year and they let me out on parole; I needed a 'big' idea to put Arnie Gufflink enterprises back into the black and up on the pink neon rack."

Mr Gufflink lit a slim panatella and said "You know who some of the horniest little buggers in the world are? Dwarves! thats who!
At it like puffs they are those little bastards. So I got to thinking how does a little fella like that entertain a normal size lady and I just couldn't figure it out. Then it hit me sex toys!
The devious imps! So thats when I thought why not cater solely to the midget sex market.

Mr Gufflink then took me downstairs via his private leopard skin lift and showed me round the new sales area. He guided me gently over to a rack of finger sized vibrators in various colours and shapes and said "This here is for your lady midget, see those girls have fannies tighter than a Jew and a 14 inch black mamba is just no good for those girls."
He then showed me his range of rubber and leather bondage masks "You would think these would be smaller than the normal ones right? wrong!! they are twice the size those fuckers have huge heads!"

After showing me his range of special sex ladders for mixed height relationships Mr Gufflink told me of his expected best seller "We did a lot of research into what would sell using tiny focus groups."
He took down a box off the specially made low shelving and thrust it into my hands."You know what that is son? It's a blow up model of Snow white!
The dirty little fuckers couldn't get enough of it! That's why we will only be open during panto season when they are all horny and flush with cash"

Whether Mr Gufflink's new venture does put him back on top of the Soho sex trade or leaves his finances in the Soho gutter remains to be seen.But one thing is for certain the world hasn't heard the last of the extraordinary Arnie Gufflink.

Easter island: Incest eggs orgy shame

Easter island- This small isolated outcrop of rock stranded in the vast blue desert of the pacific ocean is known the world over for its mysterious giant stone heads and its barren treeless hills.

A little known fact, that does not appear in any offical guide to the island, is the strange easter ritual of the inhabitants that until recently was a closely guarded secret. The ancient rite dates back to long before the discovery of the island by Dutch seaman, coincidently on easter sunday, in 1722.

As the land thirsty Dutch struggled ashore and up onto the island's only beach they were shocked to find themselves in the middle of an astonishing secret rite.
For centuries the islanders had performed the ancient rite of the "pook ya nui" which was a way for the islanders to deflower the islands virgins and appease their wrathful penis shaped god.

The ceremony called for the great grandfathers of the soon to be sluttified virgins to eat nothing but the eggs of the Cadbury bird, for a period of 17 days, and for the then half starved octogenarians to spend the next 17 days devirginising the grateful girls.The climax of the ceremony was achieved when the exhausted elders dropped to the floor and died so passing on the torch of life and their genes to the next generation.

After settling the islands the Dutch, and then the Spanish, tried in vain to stamp out this vile pagan custom but only succeeded in driving it deep underground.
The Chilean Government became so worried by the strange practice that ever since easter 1978 they have deployed special army units, trained in the art of spotting geriatric hope, to the islands to try to quell this most shocking of practices .But local traditions die hard and the ceremonies now take place deep underground in what are known as "virgin holes".

The authorities are powerless to stop this easter debacle and can only try to make sure that their troops get to these virgin holes before the egg driven loins of easter island's oldest residents.

Tuesday, 13 March 2007

Hugo Chavez taunts Bush

Buenos aries- Amid the adoring crowds and waving red flags of the Boca juniors stadium; President Hugo Chavez gleefully taunted his bitter ideological rival (The falsely elected "President" George W Bush)

Chavez took to the makeshift stage quieted the crowd with raised arms and then began to speak "Friends! I have come to show you a new way! A way to live without the parasites of the world bank and thieves of big business sucking the eyes of your children dry."

This dramatic opening was greeted with near hysteria by the forty thousand strong crowd and obliged Chavez to wait for an approximation of silence before continuing with "The Gringo's have taken enough from us! now we say no more!!"

Chavez then went on to tell the crowd how a few days ago he had made a lovely sandwich with some ham his wife had found in the local market and how before he could eat it was stolen by the neocon nazi's now infesting the illegitimate American regime.

The Venezuelan President then noted with some irony that the energy puppet president then appeared on Fox news later that same day eating a familiar looking sandwich.Chavez said
"Now I am not accusing the limp wristed daddy's boy of theft but even an impartial fox news anchor must admit it is very suspicious."

Chavez then went on to sensationally attack America's first Nazi President for his camp addiction to flying suits and cowboy hats.
Chavez said "Why would a real man want to dress like an extra from Top gun? And why is it that ever since Brokearse mounting came out all you see that nancy boy wearing is leather chaps and a ten gallon hat?"

These remarks were greeted with huge cheers, from the poor and dispossessed of the argentine capital, and marked the grand firwork laden climax to South America's newest hero's triumphant speech.

Who is Camp David?

Washington D.C- Whitehouse aides are this morning desperately trying to play down rumours that the President is conducting a secret extramarital affair.

The latest gossip inside the Beltway is said to involve the President's frequent visits to a "friend" known only as Camp David.
Whitehouse aides are said to be furious that news of the President's sleep overs have leaked beyond the trusted inner circle of the Oval office and into some of the nation's seedier publications.

One magazine has even published pictures of the President relaxing at Camp David's secluded hideaway. Little is known about the man known only as "Camp David" but Washington hacks say he has been on "intimate" terms with more than one President.

Many in the GOP are said to be seriously considering asking the President to either finish his friendship with Camp David or resign from office.
One Republican insider who wished to remain anonymous told me "We just can't have a Christian President tainted by the foul stench of man on man bum love.
How will we ever get those Christian fanatics to vote Republican again if they know their commander in chief is indulging in all out faggotry?"

What these damaging allegations will mean to the embattled President is still unclear.Most commentators are now saying the reaction of the First lady is vital to the Presidents future.If she plays the Tammy Wynette card and stands by her man he may just ride out the storm of pink controversy.

Panda love: A shocking expose!!

Shanghai- Ever since the People's Republic of China decided it wasn't actually Communist, but instead a voracious capitalistic beast, money has flowed effortlessly from the state coffers and into the pockets of a new class of Chinese super rich.

The sudden appearance of huge riches has led this new class of playboys and parasites to amass all the usual toys one would expect to see in any western metropolis. But one of the most disturbing new developments in the exclusive penthouses of high rise Shanghai is the shocking trade in rare Panda minge.

Triad gangs are known to be hawking female Panda flesh to some of Shanghai's most respected citizens; with some in the city saying that the vile trade goes way beyond Shanghai and reaches into the very heart of central Government.
The trade was first hinted at late last year when cheap pornographic magazines, featuring female Panda's engaged in various sexual acts, started to appear in the city's under ground sex markets.

This shocking revelation was followed quickly by the discovery of a Panda brothel in the heart of the old town. Where rich clients were paying $10,000 dollars for an hour of sordid kinkiness with a six year old panda cub dressed only in black lingerie and a tacky blonde wig.

One young bear rescued from a life of sexual slavery had fur so badly matted with semen that she had to be shaved completely bald. The naive young bear was reported to be so traumatised from her forced bukkake experiences that its very doubtful she will ever love again and is said to be extremely fearful of all men.

The Chinese Ministry of sexual depravity and the prohibition of western decadence among the gloriously steadfast Chinese people has launched a high profile investigation into the filthy trade and has already executed four men involved in supplying bamboo bear minge to the Shanghai market.

But many people are saying the new laws against pandering will do little to quell the billion dollar trade in black and white bear vagina, and it is the Government who must now take the blame for the new spirit of decadence which is sweeping the once proud nation.

The Devil writes Pravda

Moscow- The beautiful Stalinist architecture of the Russian capital, long admired by British council architects, has seen many a scandal come and go but the latest one seems set to rumble for a while to come.

Russia's best selling daily and former KGB mouth piece, Pravda, has been ruffling a few sensitive feathers inside the medieval walls of the still secretive Kremlin.
It all started six weeks ago when a new column appeared in the usually staid state organ declaring "Putin sucks dog cock!" the shocking article then went on to describe in salacious detail the presidents secret night time trips to moscow parks in his rabid quest for hot dog meat.

The appearance of the article sent shockwaves through the Vodka stained capital, and has had all Moscow slurring who is Yuri Baghovshite?
Pravda are keeping the true identity of their new columnist secret due to the unusually high attrition rates suffered by crusading journalists on the streets of the turnip loving capital.

Muscovites have lovingly nicknamed their new hero "Da Bushski" which translates as the Devil or man without morals in the highly complex Russian languague.

Baghovshite's latest expose of the kleptocratic parasites infesting the Kremlin has seen heavily armed teams from the Government's anti journalism squad breaking arms and searching for files in the main Pravda offices.

Moscow's Bookmakers are now taking bets on how long it will be until Pravda's newest sensation has his first and last taste of a Pollonium sandwich.
But until that day comes Mr Bagovshite seems set to carry on his courageous one man crusade against authoritarianism and Mr Putin's filthy love of canine lipstick.

Beckham exclusive interview!!

Madrid- The La vómito del perro restaurant in the centre of Madrid is the kind of place that requires you to book six months in advance and be prepared to pay gracious homage to whatever the Chef deigns to put in front of you.

The exquisite glamour of the surroundings only added to my nervousness as I made my way carefully through the maze of empty tables towards the table of possibly the most famous man in the world.

The man known the world over as "Golden balls" stood as I took my seat and after thanking me for coming asked "You want summat to eat mate? They got some kinda pie on today some fink called piella. I fink its like a dago version of steak and kidney."

After declining the gracious offer of pie Beckham showed his obvious mastery of the the spanish language by shouting at the waiter "HE NO WANTEE ANY PIEIO UNDERSTANDIO PEDRO!!"
I complimented him on his linguistic skills and asked the former england failure how hard it had been for him to adapt to a new language and culture.

He switched effortlessly from the spanish he was using only moments before and said "When I first came here I couldnt speak a word mate; but the thing I most had trouble with was the bleeding grub, it's all that foreign muck, you cant get any of the Bernard Matthews range!! But I guess it's like cancer really, you get used to living with it."

When asked about the prospect of an England recall a mask of diplomacy clouds his face and he says "Obviously it's still my dream to pull on the two lions and do my best for the team; but thats up to that new ginger bloke now. If Mr Mcoist finks I'm playing well over here then I'm sure he will beg me to come back. He has rang me a few times over the last couple of weeks mostly just asking my advice on trousers and stuff; but also on his lovely attempt at hair."

Beckham seems a man at peace with the world and his lofty position within it. when asked about his forthcoming American adventure his face lights up as he declares "I can't wait obviously its gonna be another big challenge learning the lingo and that; but I've always wanted to play baseball and when the Harlem Globetrotters came in for me I knew it was the right choice for me."

When asked about his celebrity friendship with the hetrosexual religiously suspect movie star Tom Cruise; Beckham said "Tom is a very wise man probably the cleverest person I know. when I asked his advice on moving to that there America he said 'Change is like a new start and a new start is like a change'
At first I couldnt get my head around that cos I never carry change but then I got what he meant sometimes you need change for the phone and stuff or maybe for a parking meter."

With that pearl of Cruise wisdom David concluded the interview stood up and shook my hand before saying "I gotta go to that Bernie bows now and do some football for a bit.. take care."
As I watched cat skinned ponchoed megastar leave I could only gaze at his rapidly departing back and wonder what exciting new adventures lay ahead in the land of the used to be free for the man they call Golden balls.

Edible animal found in Paris!

Paris- Confusion reigns in the French capital tonight as the shocking news that an edible animal, that does not appear to be on any menu, was found within the city limits.

Early reports emanating from the French capital appear to suggest the animal is some sort of delicious quadruped.The as yet unnamed beast was apparently spotted, late yesterday afternoon, wandering unbasted among the flower beds of the Tuilleries gardens in the centre of the city.

The shocking spectacle soon drew a crowd of curious Parisians who stared in wonder at the unknown ingredient and argued amongst themselves wether it should be fried in garlic or roasted with thyme.

Officers from the capitals elite ingrédient mystérieux squadsoon arrived on the scene and took the beast into culinary custody.The animal is now being held in the main detention kitchen deep in the bowels of city hall; while a team of specially trained chefs rub herbs on it's back and decide the correct way to cook the beast.

The mysterious appearance of the animal has shocked the usually stoic Parisians and the issue is quickly turning into a political scandal.

As one outraged resident furiously told me "Zut alors! zis is unthinkable!! How can it not be on any menu? I blame Chirac he is too busy making fuck with pretty girls no? He don't care that we have some sort of a unknown ingredient wandering around the city. It's a day of shame and a day I hoped never to see."

The government have been quick to assure Parisians that they are working hard looking for suitable recipes for the mysterious animal and will endeavour to keep people informed of the ongoing situation.

Biggest cock in the world!!

Dublin- Just outside the bustling modern city of Dublin nestled in a quiet shady corner of the emerald isle lays the tiny, almost forgotten, hamlet of Dunfinkin.

The village has never been known for anything more than the curious fact that Dunfinkin is the only place in the world where incest is still legal; which gives the place a warm old fashioned family feel sadly lacking in the rest of the modern world.
But things are about to change for Dunfinkin and all because of one man's enormous cock.

Seamus O'Toole a local farm worker with a passion for cocks has just had a visit from the Guiness book of world records to verify his claim to have the worlds biggest cock.Mr O'Toole's cock is of the Old speckled red variety, and stands an impressive 4ft 6 inches tall and weighs in at almost eight stone.

The proud owner told me of his love of cocks, and how he managed to develop the monster that has been called the ninth wonder of the world
"Well I was always a huge fan of cocks ever since my dad used to take me out the back of our henhouse, and show me how big he had managed to get his prize cock. It was from that moment on that I swore to myself that when I got older I'd grow a cock bigger and fatter then his proud beast."

When asked how he had managed to get his cock to such enormous dimensions; Mr O'Toole refused to go into detail but did say "Its a combination of high protein foods and constant massage but thats just the tip of the iceberg. I've seen other cock fanciers in the village square massaging their skinny little cocks and hoping to get them somewhere near the size of mine; but they soon give up when they see me and my magnificent beast come strutting into the village."

If Mr O'Toole's cock is verified, by Guiness, as being the worlds biggest it could mean a lucrative world tour is on the cards for Mr O'Toole and his huge red beast.

Mr O'Toole said "I think a world tour would be nice. People around the world deserve to see my massive cock, and to tell the truth it's getting a bit restless cooped up in this tiny village.Only last week I went out without properly securing it and was horrified to come back home and find my huge cock out in the back field worrying sheep."

Nostalgia not what it used to be

London- After six long years of research and seventeen million pounds of tax payers money; a Government team looking into the question of falling standards in nostalgia have come to the conclusion that it's not as good as it used to be.

The team, based at the London school of Idealization, decided to publish the report two weeks early after the government declared it was looking into new ways to rose tint the past.
Recent Government initiatives in this area have taken the form of a glossy pamphlet entitled "She was alright really" which tries to encourage people to look back on the Thatcher years with an ill remembered fondness.

Dr Xavier De Bernard, leader of the research team, told me earlier how his six man team came to their interesting conclusions "What we basically did was place volunteers in a sound proof booth and show them things from the past and then things from the present, and ask them to rate the examples on a simple sliding scale. For example we showed them a picture of the infamous tortures carried out by American forces involved in "Operation Phoenix" during Vietnam war and then photographs of todays torture rooms at Abu Gharib.
It was then a simple process of running the resulting information through a bank of super computers; we were then able to calculate that although things seemed much better in the past; our remembrance of it loses its sharpness over time leading to a dramatic fall in nostalgia levels."

Only time will tell if the team's valuable research into the decline of nostalgia will be worthwhile, and surely it will be only future generations that will be able to say weather it was worthwhile or not.

World's hairiest pussy!!

Berlin- The super efficient Germans are rightly acknowledged as being innovative world leaders in many different fields, car making, engineering, brewing, electronics and of course sausage guzzling.

But one plucky Fraulein from the quiet Berlin suburb of Fadgedorf is fast becoming known the world over for her staggeringly hirsute pussy.Fraulein Mingestein,26, is the world's premier breeder of Schatcatz a new breed of super hairy feline taking Germany and the world by storm.

The new super cat is over twice the size of an ordinary house cat and is covered in a thick coat of long wiry black fur (similar in appearance to the clumps of hair you sometimes have to remove from plug holes)

Fraulein Mingestein speaking to me from her home in Fadgesdorf told me about her lifelong quest to develop the hairiest pussy known to man "I have had all types of pussy throughout my life but I always dreamed of having the hairiest pussy in the world; so I made it my life long goal to develop a pussy so hairy that anyone who glimpsed it would be shocked at luxuriant depravity of its long flowing locks."

Ten hard years of trial and error eventually led Fraulein Mingestein to develop the new Schatcatz breed; which many experts in the pussy world are now calling the ultimate in hirsute cat technology.
Demand for the new super cat is so great that connoisseurs of pussy flesh are known to be paying up to two thousand Dollars just to run their fingers over Fraulein Mingestein's hairy pussy.

Advance orders of the new super cat are so great that many hairy pussy lovers are bound to be disappointed and will instead have to make do with drooling over photos of Fraulein Mingesteins hairy pussy at her new site-

Scots porridge mine disaster

Perthshire- It was just after 3.00pm yesterday afternoon, in the small Scottish mining town of Glenalkie, that news first started to filter out of the local porridge works that there had been a massive cave in 2500ft beneath the the main pit head of Scotland's largest working porridge mine.

The cave in was believed to have started, Thursday just after 2.00pm , when bekilted miners dynamited a huge untapped porridge seam which then quickly transformed itself into the thing all porridge miners fear; a porridge slip.
Early reports suggest that as many as fifty local men remain trapped underground; neck deep in what the proud locals of Glenalkie call "White gold"

The Glenalkie porridge mines have been the main source of income for the families of the town ever since the huge deposits of untapped oats were first discovered in the late nineteeth century.
Local people are well aware of the dangers of deep earth porridge mining; but as one resident told me "Aye laddie this is a porridge town and a porridge town it'll stay."

So far all rescue efforts have been hampered by the fear of vibrations from the diggers causing a second and surely fatal porridge slip.
All attempts at contacting the stricken miners have failed and some around the town are now fearing the worst; unless the men can somehow manage to eat themselves to the surface.

Bush announces "War on reading"

Washington DC- President George W Bush today proudly announced his administrations new vote winning inititive that is sure to rival the already popular "War on terror".

The President humbly stood before the Washington press pack and laid out the details of his latest scare tatic. "As the American people know I have been steadfast in my determination to foster liberty, at home and abroad, and to protect our people from the horrors of empty slogans and ill defined bogeymen. It is therefore with this steadfast determination and an iron resolve that I have instructed all segments of my government to declare total war on the curse of reading."

As an appreciative murmur ran through the assembled lap dogs of the media; the President cleared his throat and continued "This war won't be like the glorious one our father's fought. It will be a war without end aimed at bringing back a country our proud founding fathers would have easily recognized and I'm sure applauded. From this day forth anybody caught with an unauthorized book, newspaper, magazine or pamphlet will be liable, under ammendment 26a of the Patriot act, to immediate arrest and imprisonment within our specially extended gulag at Guantanamo."

When asked why this new curb on freedoms was needed, when the nation was already fighting the double fronted war on terror and the ever popular war on drugs, the president responded "Readers are an insidious and silent danger to the freedom of this country and as such deserve the full attention of my administrations zealous fearmongering."

The President went on to say that some exemptions to the new war on reading would be announced shortly with most insiders believing that the exemptions will include the Bible and the government approved bile of Rupert Murdoch's Newscorp publications.

A spokesman for the Democratic party cautiously welcomed the new never ending war and stated "Obviously this is a problem we have been talking about for a long time and we are glad the President has finally seen fit to look at the problem. The only misgivings we have over new scare tatic is the proposed punishment of gitmoising reading terrorists.We would like to see summary execution as the penalty for this crime; maybe in converted libraries."

IRA "We were better than Al Qa'ida

Belfast- Today on the steps of the historic Stormont castle, seat of the Northern Ireland assembly, Gerry Adams leader of the IRA's political wing, Sinn Fein, declared from his beard to waiting reporters that he had an important communique from the IRA'S military council to read.

Mr Adams took a slightly crumpled piece of paper from his slightly crumpled 1970's tweed jacket and read the following statement:

"The Irish Republican Army's military council would like it to be known that contary to popular opinion the so called terrorist organization now engaged in armed struggle against neo-colonial American imperialism is quite crap.
The IRA in their twenty years of glorious struggle against a similar imperialist enemy achieved a kill rate of far more than the measley 3000 that this "terrorist" force have so far claimed.
Furthermore we couldn't rely on financial support from oil rich sheiks; we had to trawl New York's Irish bars and river dance for quarters to fund our glorious atrocities.In closing we would like to state categorically if we had wanted to we could have flown planes into buildings but we didn't want to cos it's a bit crap."

Mr Adams finished reading the statement and refused to take questions but did say that Sinn Fein would be releasing a video of the IRA's greatest hits, and hoped to have them in shops across the United States in time for St Patricks day.

MLK "I have a Bream?"

The scene is Washington DC 28th August 1968. Before the nation's most revered monument to freedom, the Lincoln memorial, a hastily built speaker's platform has been erected. A man slowly climbs the rickety steps of the platform and steps up to the microphones awaiting his historic words.

What was said next, to the estimated million strong crowd and indeed the world, has become the stuff of legend.Dr Martin Luther King, a southern preacher and civil rights leader, announced to the world "I have a dream." and with those historic words he forced home the final nail into the coffin of racial segregation.

But it could have all been so different if Dr King had delivered the speech he actually intended to give on that humid August day.
Researchers from the Smithsonian Institute in Washington have recently discovered the hand written early drafts of the now famous speech, and what they have found may surprise a few people.

Dr Edward Finedecker, the man who discovered the drafts, told me of king's original intention to speak of his passion for keeping fish and of his excitement in adding a new specimen to his growing collection.Dr Finedecker told me "You can clearly see in the early drafts of the speech that Dr King intended to talk at length on his love of fish and on the proper way to set up a new aquarium. The original first line was intended to be 'I have a Bream.'"

After talking to Dr Finedecker about his amazing discovery I telephoned the Rev Jesse Jackson, who was part of King's entourage that day, and asked him about King's intention to lecture the crowd on correct aquarium procedure, the Reverend told me, "Yes it's true that he originally wanted to speak about his newly acquired Bream; but we managed at the last minute to persuade him to speak on civil rights instead. He wasn't happy about it because he wasn't really interested in the topic and found politics very dull."

So it seems that one mans preoccupation with fish could, if left unchecked, have led to the failure of the whole civil rights movement and the continued oppression of a people yearning for freedom.

Mysterious mystery mystifies ministry

Whitehall- Nick Pope, the Ministry of Defence's top paranormal and unexplained weirdness expert, earlier today stunned reporters with the details of his latest and many might say his strangest case yet.

Mr Pope, dressed in his regulation approved for TV government issue business suit, silenced the over excited press with slowly raised arms and then quietly began to tell his mysterious tale."As you are probably aware gentlemen I have recently been working on my most mysterious mystery ever.
I'll begin by filling you in on the details and then I'll finish by sharing with you my findings on this most mysterious mystery that has mystified us here at the Ministry."

As the excited chatter of the assembled media faded into rapt attention Mr Pope cleared his throat, and quietly began "Early in 2004 strange and mysterious activity began to be reported by farmers and local people living around the USAF base Lakenheath. Witnesses have reported seeing huge white "plane" shaped objects, which were totally silent except for a strange hurricane like sound they emit constantly."

Mr Pope checked his prepared notes, gazed mysteriously around the room, and continued with his amazing tale "These objects were reported to have landed in or around the base and ghostly apparitions were said to have exited the mysterious craft."
Mr pope was at this point interrupted by a mystified newsman who asked him what these "creatures" looked like.

Mr Pope acknowledged him and stated "The mysterious beings were said to be around normal human height with strange silky hair flowing from their ghastly faces and were dressed in all in one close fitting orange "space suits" and most mysteriously of all they appeared to travel without the use of any kind of ocular assistance.
Where one would expect to see their eyes there was only what some witnesses have described as a "blindfold"."

As the buzz of excited chatter from the media died down Mr Pope went on to Reveal the results of his investigation into this most mysterious of mysteries "After months spent collating and carefully evaluating all available evidence; I have come to the only explaination possible in a case of such enigmatic dimensions. I believe these mysterious events to be so mysterious and strange that they defy attempts at rational explanation; so I believe we should just all forget about it." With this shock announcement Mr Pope gathered his papers and unobtrusively left the shocked room.

So it looks as though, for now, the mysterious mystery that mystified the Ministry will continue to mystify a curious world.

Mandelson: "I had Tony's anal love child."

EU commissioner Peter Mandelson today defended his controversial new autobiography, "I took it my way" by saying he had every right to tell the story of his meteoric rise through the corridors of Westminster power and of the love that dare not speak it's name.

The controversial new book has rocked Blair's already shaky grip on power and has had some commentators declaring this latest scandal to be the final nail in his coffin.

In the book; Mandelson describes his first meeting with a young Tony by saying "The first time we met was at some dreadfully dreary Labour party function, I was chatting to some awful working class people about pensions, and then all of a sudden there he was like a ray of innocent sunshine"
Mandelson goes onto say how the pair slowly got to know each other and how "A deep and abiding anal connection was formed."

Though these claims are damaging enough to the Prime minister; the sections of the new book most likely to have the fleet streets editors in an orgasmic state are the later chapters which describe in detail how in the early eighties Peter Mandelson had the internal sexual organs of a dead Jamaican woman surgically implanted into his previously infertile anal canal.

This led in due course to him becoming anally pregnant with Tony's child sometime just after the labour party swept to power in 1997. He says of the time: "It was one of the most beautiful periods of my life, I'll never forget Tony's face when I told him the good news. He just sort of stood there and looked at me, not knowing what to say, literally speechless. It was very special."
Mandelson goes on to detail how he had to hide his emerging pregnancy from the intrusive Westminster press pack and how when the time finally came for him to deliver the baby, the Labour party spin machine concocted corruption allegations against him to explain his absence from government.

Mandleson explained: "Of course I wanted the world to know of our joyous news but Tony was dead against that and said we should keep it as our little secret. That's why the whole Lakshmi Mittel scandal was created so I could slip quietly off the political stage and into a private clinic in Geneva."

The child is now believed to be around nine years old and living with his "mother" in Brussels. All Mandelson is willing to say about the child is that his name is Quentin and he looks just like his father.

Number ten is yet to comment on Mandelson's book and commentators are watching carefully to see which way the Prime minister will jump on this tricky issue.

One well known Westminster hack believes Tony will have to hold his hands up and admit the story is true, he said, "It's well known round Parliament that Tony is a practicing catholic and would under no circumstances use a condom, so in my book that just adds weight to Peter's story and makes any denials by the Prime minister seem disingenuous."

Alex ferguson "I've been living a lie."

Manchester United's ruddy faced supremo, Sir Alex Ferguson today stunned journalists at United's famous Carrington training ground, by declaring to waiting reporters that he had a major announcement to make regarding his well documented Scottishness.

In a voice reminiscent of one you may hear in any Surrey village, the purple faced legend began by saying, "Now, listen here chaps, there's something I've been wanting to get off my chest for a devil of a long time now, as you may well be aware from the countless media interviews and endless angry tirades I've subjected you to over the years, that a prounounced Glaswegian brougue has been detectable, which may have led many in the media and indeed the country to the false assumption that I was, well, how can one put it, of the Scottish persuasion. So I eventually decided early last week after consulting with my family and closest friends, to come clean about this whole terrible misunderstanding and state categorically before you all here today that I am actually a proud Englishman."

These astounding revelations by the United manager drew audible gasps from the assembled hacks, who immediately began to pepper the "Scots" legend with questions.

Sir Alex refused to answer questions at that time and continued with his prepared statement. "Now chaps, I know this has come as quite surprise, and I do realise I've bowled you somewhat of a googly with this one, but you have to realise that as a young manager making one's way in the game, it was deemed necessary to have, what one may call an advantageous background and at that time, when one was taking his first footsteps upon the Whisky laden path to immortality and football greatness, one was heavily influenced by the Scottish masters, Shankly, Stein et al.

It was never my intention to keep up this appalling charade but things kind of snowballed and left me on quite a sticky wicket, I'm so terribly, terribly sorry."
With this Sir Alex was whisked away by United's PR and security people into a waiting vintage Rolls Royce and taken to unknown and undisclosed location, believed to be somewhere in the home counties.

After the shock news announcement the board of Manchester United PLC issued the following statement:

The board of Manchester United PLC is both shocked and saddened by the announcement made earlier today by it's manager, Sir Alex Ferguson. we would like to reiterate and reassure the fans of Manchester United PLC, that we knew nothing of the managers deception or indeed of his decision to come out of the closet, so to speak.
We would also like to assure fans that the board will investigate this matter and come to a quick and just resolution, not only for the club but also for Sir Alex and his family.
We are also keen to remind fans that the Manchester United super mega store's opening times will not affected by this current crisis and that the new Manchester United PLC home kit can still be bought for a fantastic introductory one off price of £65.oo.

Foreskin of Christ found!

Jerusalem - Amazing news from Jerusalem today as a team of Israeli archaeologists from the University of Tel Aviv, sensationally confirmed that the foreskin of the infant baby Jesus, known to followers throughout the world as the "Christ" had been found on a piece of waste ground in a quiet suburb of Jerusalem.

Dr Avram Cohen, head of the team who made the history making discovery told reporters from the worlds media about the find at a chaotic news conference earlier this afternoon.

Dr Cohen, a leading authority on ancient foreskins stated categorically that this was indeed the missing piece of the Christ puzzle that has for over 2000 years been the holy grail of the worlds archaeological community. He went on to say that after subjecting the half inch long piece of penile skin to a battery of complex and highly scientific tests he could indeed without a shadow of a doubt and with absolute authority say that this might possibly be the holy foreskin of biblical legend.

The news has sent shock waves through the normally sedate world of religion and has had believers flocking to the holy city in their thousands to gaze upon the most holy of penile relics.

No word has yet been forthcoming from the Vatican about the amazing find, but most Vatican watchers agree that it is only a matter of time before Pope Benedict formally welcomes the news and announces he will be making a pilgrimage to Jerusalem to kiss the holy relic.

Wenger tells of his love of young boys

In an exclusive interview with News direct this morning at Arsenal's new state of the art Shenley training ground, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger talked passionately about his vision for the the club and of his love of young boys.

The trophy laden Frenchman began by talking about the club's magnificent new training facilities and how he had been instrumental in the design and building of the new twenty five million pound complex.

Over cups of Pernod laced coffee in his luxurious office, over looking the youth pitches, Mr Wenger told me of the inspiration and vision behind the clubs new facility, "When I first came to the club we trained in a very bad way, and it was always my intention to build a nice new place, a place where I could safely groom new young talent away from the prying eyes of the media."

As the normally reserved manager held forth on his favourite topic you could see an almost boyish gleam in his eye and his obvious excitement as he reminisced about how he first became involved with young boys, "I remember as a young coach, I was always fascinated by the youth teams and would spend long hours hanging around the youth pitches, dreaming of the day I could take these young men in hand and show them how to perfect their often clumsy ball control."

When Wenger was first appointed to the position of manager, dubious voices in the media famously asked, "Arsene who?" and at first, the arrival of this complete unknown from Japanese club football did cause some disturbance among the clubs senior professionals, but as club captain Tony Adams was later to say, "Weeks after him arriving, he totally changed the culture of the club and he began this change by putting a huge emphasis on the young players at the club, encouraging the older pro's to mix and train with the younger lads, even going as far as to put Seaman in the youth team."

Wenger's obvious love of young talent has seen him bring major honours to the north London club and the development of the new training ground is seen by many as the final piece of the jigsaw which will eventually lead to the club capturing the ultimate European prize, he finished the interview by shrugging Gallically and declaring, "Of course I wont lie and say I'm not interested in winning the European cup, of course I am, but if we never won it, I wouldn't care, as long as I can continue to groom young boys for the future."

Is Charles Kennedy on the bottle again?

Westminster - Friends of ex Liberal democrat leader, Charles Kennedy are said to be "extremely concerned" by the flame haired politician's recent bizarre public behaviour and pronounced slur, which many commentators in and around Westminster believe cannot this time be simply explained away by party spin doctors as "ebullience" and a "charming Scottish brogue".

Concern for the amiable Scot reached new heights, after last weeks shambolic appearance on BBC One's Question time, on which Mr Kennedy appeared to be unshaven and was seen to be rambling incoherently throughout the hour long programme.

At one point during the show when asked by David Dimbleby, the semi royal host of the show, his views on the question of Scottish independence he answered by saying, "What the fuck do I care?, I live down here with you sassanach bastards now, Scotland can go fuck itself!, I love you Dave, your my best mate."

Dimbleby continued valiantly throughout the programme to minimize the Scot's input, but this only led to an unsteady Kennedy getting to his feet and declaring between sung verses of the Proclaimers hit "I would walk ten thousand miles", that he had, had enough of this "Shitty" show and was leaving.

Reginald Thrustle, head of the pressure group Alcohol concern, told me after viewing the tapes of last week's show that, "Mr Kennedy's behaviour could indeed be interpreted as showing all the classic symptoms of excessive alcohol abuse, but of course one does have to take into consideration Mr Kennedy's Scottishness, which in part could account for most, if not all of the bizarre behaviour exhibited."

Whether alcohol was to blame for Mr Kennedy's latest behaviour or not, it still leaves the one time Liberal supremo in the political wilderness and also looks set to cast even more doubt on the Liberal democrats claim to be a serious political force.

Tom Cruise: "I love sleeping with ladies!"

Hollywood - World famous heterosexual movie star and holder of strange beliefs, Tom Cruise, today revealed all, in an exclusive interview with News direct, telling without shame of his genuine love of women and his interest in "doing it with them."

Tom, 23, speaking from the comfort of his modest sixty eight bedroomed home in the Hollywood hills, told this reporter, "I think about ladies bits a lot, most of the time actually, sometimes I'll be sat doing my needlepoint, while watching Living TV and I'll have to put it down because I can't concentrate due to the constant images of mammary glands racing through my head."

Tom then went on to say how he and his new wife "do it" up to seven and a half times a day, "She says, I'm as virile and manly as any normal man, and if it wasn't for my love of embroidery and manufactured religion, she would get no rest at all!"

Speaking candidly of his "Religion", Tom was full of nothing but praise for what the bizarre cult has taught him, he sensationally revealed, "I first got into Scientology, as a way to stop me sleeping with so many ladies, I guess it taught me not to be ashamed of who I am, and to embrace my obvious heterosexuality with open non judgmental arms."

When asked of his friendship with one of Hollywood's other famously heterosexual movie stars, John Travolta, Tom's face lit up and he giggled like a school girl in a sex shop as he told how he and John sometimes prowl Hollywood bars looking for, "Ladies that will do it." He said, "We are crazy! Sometimes if we can't find any ladies to do it with, we will go to see a Julia Roberts movie together, just so we can look at her and imagine what it would be like to have normal heterosexual sex with her."

Tom also wanted me to make clear in this article that the interview was in no way connected to the release of his new film, "The Rudolph Valentino story" and that the interview was granted only because Tom felt the world ought to know how much he likes ladies and doing it with ladies.

Oswald's Dallas window fetches 3 million

The world famous window from the fourth floor of the Dallas school book depository in Dealey plaza was yesterday sold on the internet auction site E bay for the astonishing figure of three million dollars.

The window, which government conspiracy theorists claim was used by Oswald to ruin Jackie Kennedy's dress on that fateful day in November 1963, was a surprise lot among the second hand books and toenail clippings usually sold on the site.

An excited spokesman for the auction site told News direct that it was a huge honour to sell the actual window that Oswald didn't actually shoot the president from, he said, "It was just amazing to see and touch an actual piece of history, if you looked closely, you could actually see the spot where Oswald's finger prints would have been, if he had actually been there."

The window its self, unlike Mr Kennedy, has had a long and turbulent history since that historic day, soon after the the coup d'etat, all the original glass was replaced by a team of US army glaziers appointed specially by the Warren commission. The glass removed from the window was taken by military jet to Washington, so members of the commission could look through it and see if Oswald could have had a reasonable view of the Presidents motorcade.

As the years rolled by thousands of people's sticky finger prints left the frame of the window looking worse than the floor of the dead President's Cadillac and so in 1978 it was decided to replace the frame with one that could better withstand the wear and tear of being internationally famous icon.

The buyer of the famous window is an unknown Texan billionaire who wishes to remain anonymous at this present time, but it is believed the window's new owner made his fortune in the oil business and has an intense interest in the political scene in Washington DC.

We can only speculate as to who the lucky new owner of this window could be and of his plans for a special little piece of the American dream.

Mysterious last page of the bible found

Cairo - Among the winding alleyways of Cairo's medieval old town, nestled between the coffee shops and spice stalls, sits the small souvenier shop of Mr Ali Mahmoud.

It is from within in this forgotten dusty corner of the Arab world, that a strange and fascinating tale is beginning to emerge.

The story began late last summer in the sweltering back room of Mr Mahmoud's shop. He had recently received a fresh consignment of Tutankhamun figurines and needed to move some of his older stock out into the back to make room for his new arrivals.
It was while clearing a space for these new arrivals that Mr Mahmoud discovered an old cedar chest bearing strange inscriptions, which archeologists have now confirmed to be third century coptic.

Upon opening the dusty chest, Mr Mahmoud was disappointed to find, not priceless treasures, but an apparently worthless piece of parchment.
Disappointed with his find Mr Mahmoud took the parchment and placed it on the counter of his shop with the intention of using it as a coaster for the countless cups of strong coffee he consumes during his working day.

It was there some months later that visiting American Professor of theology, Dr Nathan Bendemeyer chanced upon what some are calling "The most important piece of paper ever found."
For it was Professor Bendemeyer who immediately recognised the "coaster" for what it actually was, a missing page from the best selling New testament.

After procuring the priceless artifact from Mr Mahmoud for the price of a cup of strong Arabic coffee, Dr Bendemeyer flew straight back to the United states and rushed the ancient document from the airport to the Harvard University's department of quite old things.
After subjecting the document to batteries of extremely complicated scientific tests and eventually proving beyond doubt the antiquity of the find, Harvard's experts in ancient Coptic things began to slowly translate the Professor's amazing find.

As the text of the page was painstakingly translated by the ten strong team of Coptic scholars, it soon became clear that the page was indeed a missing page from the New testament and appeared to be the very last page of that most holy of tomes.

So far only the first paragraph has been translated into english and reads as follows, "All events and people depicted in this book are (missing word) and any similarity to events or people are purely (missing word). The author of this book claims that he is the sole author and reserves the right..."

Biblical scholars are still arguing as to the meaning of this cryptic passage,with most airing on the side of caution and declaring it a lost parable of Jesus Christ.

There will be much debate within the theological community and beyond, as more of the page's ancient secrets are slowly translated and begin shed a little more light upon the words of the globe's most famous Jewish mystic.

Hitler's ladyboys

Berlin - When the old eastern bloc finally crumbled in upon it's own decaying Stalinist foundations; it wasn't only hordes of badly dressed east Germans that flocked into the gaudy neon strasses of west Berlin; following closely behind the mulleted flood was the immense secret archives of the GDR.

It's a well known fact in the west that the east German security apparatus was a ruthlessly efficient monitor of everyday life and that even the most trivial phone call was recorded and classified for use against anyone with a dissenting view or a new pair of Levis. In fact: the Stasi operated in pretty much the same way as the American intelligence agencies operate today.

But a fact that is less well known to the ordinary Hans on the strasse is that after the end of world war two, when the Allied powers split their old enemy into easily digestible slices, the vast secret records of the defeated Gestapo fell silently into the hands of their Communist conquerors and there they laid quietly undisturbed for the next sixty two years gathering dust in the huge grey staatsarchiv building just off the busy Potsdammer Strasse.

It is only recently that historians have managed to trawl through the countless documents and recordings and what has come to light recently sheds new light on the dark years of Germany's National Socialist past.
One of the most astounding stories to be liberated from the dank cellars of the Staatsarchiv, concerns the amazing story of operation "Girly boy"; a secret Nazi plan intended to be the dastardly overture to the invasion of Britain.

The plan was conceived some time in early 1939 by the now infamous Treblinka camp doctor, Dr Ernst Shitclitz, the plan called for the creation of squads of devastatingly attractive transexuals to be trained in the cunning art of shemale seduction and then dropped by parachute along the heavily defended coast of southern England.

The stated aim of operation "Girly boy" was to foster sexual confusion and spread moral decadence amongst British forces protecting the nations soft southern underbelly.
Hitler personally approved the Shitclitz plan and asked to kept fully informed of all future developments concerning the operation.
The cunning scheme, however, was never to come to full fruition as the Battle of Britain ended Hitler's plan for a full scale invasion of the British mainland.

We can only now look back on Dr Shitclitz's devilish scheme with a sense of morbid curiosity and relieved gratitude that the horrific plan never materialized and vaguely wonder what other long forgotten plans lay quietly brooding within the old Staatsarchive.

Gary Glitter to make comeback!

Saigon - In an exclusive in-prison interview with Direct news; disgraced former Glam rock idol Gary Glitter told of his Vietnamese prison hell and his amazing plans for a future comeback.

Mr Glitter,82, real name Paul Gadd, spoke candidly about his vile crimes and of the tortuous medieval hell of Saigon's infamous Lon Phat Dong prison.

Mr Glitter received me cordially into his bijou but tastefully appointed cell, and after apologizing profusely for not being able to offer me tea showed me to a nearby chaise lounge; before ringing a small brass bell and ordering coffee from the guard stationed permanently outside his door (to dissuade fans from bothering him for autographs).

Mr Glitter then went onto describe in excruciating detail his day to day existence inside the walls of Lon Phat Dong, he began, "It's been awful, absolutely awful, the rooms are filthy, I mean look around you, this place hasn't been decorated in at least eighteen months! Only last week I was saying to the Governor that I hadn't had a decent meal in here since he managed to get hold of that Foie Gras, of course it wasn't the best quality, but you cant really expect that in Saigon, can you?"

Mr Glitter's flow was briefly broken by the arrival of our coffee, and I waited patiently while he admonished the guard for taking his time and then broke into that famous smile; tipped him and said, "And of course the service is terrible, but what can you do? it's a third world country."
The ageing Glam rocker then went on to tell me of his plans for a major comeback at the end of the year. "I've been writing loads of new stuff in here; of course its been hard as I've only had access to 4 or 5 guitars, and only very basic recording equipment, but I'm quite happy with the results and I think my fans will love it."

When pushed on the subject of his crimes Mr Glitter pleaded his total innocence to all charges and claimed he was framed by rogue elements within MI6 still seething over his political rallying cry "Leader of the pack." he said, "Those cats have been trying to take me down for years; notice how all my troubles started just after princess Di's murder? They needed me out the way in case I released another protest song that fingered the conspirators."

Mr Glitter then confidently changed the subject back to his future come back, "My management want my first record back to be a cover, and have suggested "Young at heart" the old Sinatra hit, but I said no way man, I've matured as an artist while in prison and wanna take my stuff in a drum and bass direction."

So it looks like the premature reports of the death of Mr Glitter's career have been greatly exaggerated and while Mr Glitter sits here in Lon Phat Dong contemplating his glittering future; a certain Mr Jackson may be looking warily over his heavily padded shoulder.

Keanu Reeves to play table

Hollywood - One of Hollywood's hottest stars, Keanu Reeves, is set for the role of his life in Sony pictures eagerly awaited new blockbuster The Table.

The two hundred million dollar project is the story of an ordinary family's kitchen table and of the myriad heart-warming and sometimes sad tales that it silently witnesses as it passes lovingly down through the generations, and with Keanu set for the title role, Sony pictures are sure they have backed a winner.

Head of Sony Pictures new project development team, Senior Vice President Aaron K Goldspink, told News direct that, "When I was brought this project, the first name I thought of was Keanu, I said if anyone has the range and subtle talent needed to pull this off, it has got to be Keanu Reeves."

Reeves well known in Hollywood as one of the greatest proponents of the "inanimate" school of acting was said to be thrilled at being given the opportunity to stretch himself in a very demanding role.

The buzz round the studios is that if Reeves manages to capture the stillness, and the essential woodeness required in this part, he will be a certainty for for the best actor Oscar that has so far strangely eluded him.

Burma's generals may release Aung San Suu Kyi

Rangoon- Today in the humid tropicality of the Burmese capital, a heavily perspiring military official from the ruling junta's ministry of readily prepared information announced to waiting journalists that following talks with leaders of the Burmese opposition party, (the national democratic league) the leader of the opposition, Aung San Suu Kyi, who has been isolated under house arrest since just after she was born in 1945, maybe released under a strict new government license.

Ms Kyi, whose father led Burma to independence from British rule before being assassinated in 1947, has won every election allowed by the dictatorship and is the rightful prime minister of the country even though she has spent her entire life under heavily secured house arrest.

After hearing the Junta's shock announcement I managed to lose my government appointed minder and make my way to the government provided house of Ms Kyi.
Speaking through the small letter box of her constantly locked door Ms Kyi told me, "I am cautiously optimistic after hearing the news but also a little wary as I have no concept of the outside world and find the wearing of clothes difficult."I then asked Ms Kyi of her hopes for the future to which she replied, "I'd like to see a tree and feel the soft touch of Burmese grass beneath my feet. But most of all I'd like to see this show they call friends."

Wether Ms Kyi ever does get the chance to laugh along with the rest of the world to the zany rerun antics of those lovable New Yorkers will depend entirely on the whim of the country's illigitimate leader General Than Shwe.

The general, leader of the ruling SPDC, has ruled the country ever since Chevron/Total decided they needed a truly democratic government in place before they could build their multi million dollar gas pipeline through the impoverished country.

The world will wait with undisguised apathy to see what effect Ms Kyi's release will have upon this small enclave of the military controlled corporate empire, and hope that maybe one day Ms Kyi gets her wish and comes to know the simple pleasure of friends.

Evil gene discovered

London- For millenia now man has gazed upon the countless tiny acts of malice, and the many varied crimes and atrocities committed, and has only been able to shake his head with a weary mystified resignation.

That was until recent research, being carried out by a team of Cambridge university geneticists, stumbled onto what is rapidly becoming known as the "evil" gene.The genetic anomaly present to varying degrees in all humans has led many people working in the field to conclude that our genes may be to blame for our propensity to gleefully commit wicked acts.

Dr Ignatius Flockston, head of the Cambridge team, told me about his new discovery and of the possible ramifacations of this startling insight into man's mysterious duality, he said, "Of course research into this discovery is still in its very early infancy; but all available evidence is pointing towards this being a major leap in our understanding of the very nature of man, and as a result of this new knowledge we may in the future be able to develop a clinical diagnostic test able to detect the presence of this gene in the genetic code of any individual."

This will have staggering implications for the future of not only politics and business, but also the often vicious world of show business.
Would our present elite have risen to their lofty positions in the world if the test for this gene had been available?
Would Arnold Schwarzenegger or indeed the cast of Friends have been able to begin their steady climb up the slippery venal ladder of global stardom?

The discovery of this remarkable new gene and the development of a new diagnostic test; May in the future help us prevent the rise of a new Hitler, Pol Pot, Bush or indeed even another Mel Gibson.
But until further advances in the technology are made we can only rely on our inbuilt intuition and the age old maxim, If it looks like a Cheney and smells like a Cheney, then it probably is a Cheney.

911 conspiracy nut tells all!!

Crawford- Ever since the charred rubble remains of that fateful day were removed, and the valuable steel sold to China, people have looked to the steadfastly determined US government to make sense of the confusion and fear that surrounds the most important terrorist attack in world history.

Just days after the September 2001 attack, while the still smoking foundations of the world trade centre were being forensically examined; a storm of "alternative" theories were already beginning to swirl and eddy around the feet of shocked investigators.

Late last week I met with one of the most vocal of these conspiracy theorists, a Mr G.W Bush, in his isolated Texas ranch. Amid the mountains of dog eared files and half finished cigarettes Mr Bush, with all the zeal of a TV evangelist, began to walk me through the many and varied corridors of his complicated take on the 2001 atrocities.

He began, after checking through his notes, by telling me of his belief that the massive phallic structures, and symbols of American greatness had been brought down by a small cabal of bearded Arabian gentlemen from a cave in the snowy and inaccessable mountains of northern Afghanistan.

Sensing my obvious unease at his ludicrous and far fetched claim, he smiled and said, "I know it sounds crazy, but if you look at the evidence objectively; you will in the fullness of time come to the same "crazy" conclusions."

Undeterred by my initial skepticism Mr Bush continued vigourously along his carefully constructed path and told me, "I firmly believe that a specially trained unit of these Arabs, took control of those planes that day, using only sharpened boxcutters and an unshakeable faith in their wicked God."

When I raised an eyebrow at his fantastic story and asked if this was really the case, then how could these supposed mountain men, get the sophisticated North American air defenses to stand down? How could they fly these planes with next to no training into the exact targets? How could they even finance such an operation without the much needed financial assistance of a friendly government's backing?

Mr Bush nodded and said, "Look at the evidence, firstly NORAD was conducting drills that day specifically simulating the exact details, and times of what was to happen that day, and on your second point they were known to have had as much as two days training in flying small aircrafts in and around the Florida area. on your last point about the finances you have to look at the "put" options placed on the airlines stocks that day."

When I responded to his last point and stated that the financial aspect had already been well investigated and that the leads discovered led investigators straight to a CIA front company. he smiled and said, "How convenient!"

With reasoning like this I knew he would never accept the real story of that epoch making day and left his ranch with a new and slightly disturbing insight into the dedicated group of men and women; who continue to fill the internet and the wackier newspapers of the nation with their strange and malignant beliefs.

China vagina problem solved

For many years now western medical science has been trying to get to grips with the slippery problem of traditional Chinese vagina. The problem vexing western minds for the last 2000 years has been how to convert the traditional format of Chinese vagina to one that would easily accommodate a western penis.

As the world leading expert on china vagina syndrome; Dr Malcolm Sutton of the London school of tropical medicine told me, "You see the problem with Asian vagina is its positioning, in the west we are used to dealing with the traditional half past six position and the problem with Chinese vagina is that it is positioned at a quarter past nine, making it virtually impossible for mixed race couples to achieve a full and satisfactory love life.

But experts in the field now believe the conundrum has been solved thanks to the application of modern technology, a team of doctors and engineering experts working at the world famous John Hopkins hospital of vaginal medicine in the United states have developed a revolutionary new device that when fitted over the traditional Chinese vagina makes it possible for a western member of average size to easily penetrate the bamboo enigma.

One couple I spoke to who were part of the early clinical trials for the device told me how for years they had struggled with the problem of china vagina and were at one point seriously considering divorce, the salvation of their twenty year relationship came in the form of an invitation from the team working on the problem to test the new prototypes of the device.

Mr Harrison the delighted husband told me, "I was sceptical at first, we had tried every device on the market and still hadn't been able to achieve full penetration, but as soon as we got the new China vagina prototype, bingo!! I was up her like a rat up a drain pipe."

So it seems that the age old problem of east/west relationships has finally been solved by the enterprising work of a small but dedicated team of cuntologist's from the world renowned John Hopkins hospital of vaginal medicine.

Virgin China vagina

Beijing- All is not well within world's first neocapitalist communist rice superpower. China's much criticised and ill conceived one child policy is finally bearing fruit and to the frustration of government officials; that fruit bears mostly male genitalia.

As one walks the bicycle clogged streets of the future olympic venue; you begin to slowly realise there is a distinct lack of young females around and that the heavily polluted streets of Beijing reek also of the tangy smell of Chinese testosterone.

The near complete absence of marriageable females, due mainly to parents aborting the less desirable female children, has led to Beijing becoming an almost exclusively male city; which of course has brought with it all the problems one would expect to find in a city of 16 billion horny young men with no sexual outlet.

City officials are now so worried by the casual violence and mass one thousand a side games of football in the capital's narrow streets that they have desperately appealed to the government to find a solution to this very grave problem.

In a recent televised debate between the mayor of Beijing and officials from the government's department of internal sexual affairs for the glorious fulfilment of the steadfast Chinese people; the harrassed officials sternly promised a speedy resolution to the city's problems and stated that the government was looking into the possibility of invading neighbouring India, as it's well known they have a surplus of eligible females wandering round their vagina laden streets.

Only time will tell if this desperate plan will work, but in the meantime Chinese officials are telling future olympic tourists to not expect sexual gratifaction on the streets of Beijing during the games and are asking tourists to be sensible and that wherever possible they should endeavour to bring their own vagina with them.

Real Madrid sign new "wonder kid"

Madrid- Earlier Today the Chairman of Spanish giants; Futbol clube de Real Madrid announced to members of the world's waiting media ,that after intense negotiations with the player's Brazilian club, they had finally captured the signature of the fifteen year old Brazilian winger Queirinho Asse.

The club Chairman Senor Ramon De Pocahahontas; beamed with undisguised delight as he presented the slightly effeminate young star with his new shirt and proclaimed Queirinho's new squad number would be the famous sixty nine; worn by none other than Real Madrid club legend Antonio "fat lightening" Rodrigues.

The Chairman went on to say during a question and answer session with the assembled media that, "I have been after young Asse ever since I saw a video of his slinky hipped style and the way he wouldn't so much pass on, but caress any balls that were delivered to him."

The club are believed to have paid in the region of twenty million pounds for their new star and the Chairman has promised fan's they will be drooling after seeing the new star's balls.

The Chairman went on to say, "After finally getting rid of some unused baggage from our right wing we felt it was time to give our fans a dribbler; a player whose balls, while not yet golden, will, I believe in the fullness of time mature into a fully golden state."

The shy young star refused to take any questions at the press conference but did after being urged by the chairman; take out a ball and show the fans and media what they can expect to see in the years ahead.

Afterwards a delighted Ruud van Nisetelroy said, "I'm very excited by the clubs new signing, since Beckham has been out the team I've really missed his balls, and I'm looking forward to feasting on Quierinho's balls in the very near future.

Coke to go back to original cocaine recipe

Atlanta - Coca Cola Executives and a small army of PR people today crowded a specially hired convention centre in the heart of bustling Atlanta's business district to declare before a specially invited audience of local dignitaries and press that, "The real thing was back!"

The press conference was the culmination of almost two years of taste research and market testing; that have finally convinced the board of Coca Cola that they have a product capable of winning back the market share that Pepsi have taken from them in recent years.

After the preliminaries which included, nubile young women, unicycling dogs in Coke T shirts and various members of Cirque Du Soliel juggling cans of the new recipe Coke. Edgar P Altinger, CEO and major stockholder of the company, stepped from out behind a giant Coke can and up to the Coke emblazoned rostrum to excitedly announce "Ladies and gentlemen, the wait is over, original old recipe coke is back!"

Mr Altinger then went on to describe the "amazing" new product and what he believes will make it stand out from its carbonated competititors.

Mr Altinger said, "Here at the home of the worlds's favourite soft drink; we are continually striving to bring you what we believe is the authentic Coke experience that's why we here at coke have eschewed the celebrity marketing and aspartame poisoned products of our rivals and gone back to our traditional 100 per cent liquid cocaine recipe; beloved of many a working Negro in those roasting cotton fields of yore."

When taking questions later in his presentation, Mr Altinger was questioned as to why the company had gone back to the very first recipe; which he answered by saying, "Well we were searching for an authentic taste of America to send out to the rest of the world and what says America more than Cocaine and the great taste of coke?
Also the government had asked us to "improve" the drink with something that might pep up the those hard working American Joes out there, and finally get this pesky economy moving in the right direction."

Coca Cola are betting this latest recipe will be a firm favourite of the sometimes fickle American public and early indications do indeed show a massive demand for the new recipe coke.
With early promotional cans of the new recipe selling on the street corners of South Central,LA for as much as seventy dollars a can; Coca Cola's recently nervous stock holders can sleep soundly in their beds.

French WII soldier found in forest

Paris - The inhabitants of the quiet little village of Trou de Dieux, nestled in the luxuriant forests of the sprawling Ardennes, probably thought they would never again return to the heady glare of the worlds media spotlight.

A place they once briefly occupied during the 1927 Camembert shortage, that led the villagers to famously impose strict martial law within the town to protect their dwindling supplies of the world famous "cheese".

But all that changed early Saturday morning when a bedraggled stranger walked out from the dense forests surrounding the village, strode into market place and declared himself to be Major Pierre Le Poulet, commander of a French army unit sent by Paris in June 1940 to check the advance of the invading Nazi war machine.

Villagers stared in amazement at the sight of the 94 year old still dressed in the tattered remains of his Major's uniform, as he went on to declare "I, Major Pierre Le Poulet of the glorious French army, formally declare my surrender to the forces of the gallant German occupation, Heil Hitler!."

So stunned were the villagers by the arrival of this strange apparition that only an eerie silence greeted the Major's formal offer of surrender and creaking Nazi salute. The major taking this silence as a bad sign dropped to his elderly knees and began to plead with the villagers for mercy.
After the initial shock had worn off, the startled town's folk sent a small boy running to fetch the Mayor from the local cafe (from where he conducts most of the village's affairs).
And so from these enigmatic beginnings the strange tale of Major Pierre Le Poulet began to emerge.

It seems that after the Major's unit had arrived in the forests of the Ardennes and had taken a look at the strength of Nazi invaders, the unit had taken a vote amongst themselves and decided unanimously to go their separate ways and not bother to fight such an obviously invincible foe.
So as the rest of his unit ran back through the forests in the general direction of Paris, Major Le Poulet decided to try to find a friendly unit of the SS and quietly surrender to them.
Things didn't go quite to plan for the major though, as he became lost in the impenetrable forests of the picturesque Ardennes.

The Major told how for the last sixty years he had lived on a diet of woodlice and berries, as he had searched in vain for a German unit to surrender to.
When told of the events of may 1945 and of the subsequent unconditional surrender of all German forces, he beamed and said, "I knew we would do it, those Nazi bastards were no match for our brave French lads."