Tuesday, 13 March 2007

Is the ever expanding universe the reason for obesity?

Scientists from the San Francisco Institute of Cosmotology, today released what they claim is a groundbreaking new paper on the links between the ever expanding universe and the high levels of obesity seen in the world.

In a paper which is bound to cause controversy in the scientific community and beyond, Head research scientist and co-author of the new paper, Dr Dexter T Rose, confirmed that the findings of the new paper, although controversial, do indeed tend to show that since the initial explosion of the big bang, the universe has continued to expand into an infinite size and as a result of this, all matter contained within the universe has because of the immense density and calorific content of the explosion, become significantly fatter and will continue to gain weight into the very near future and ultimately onwards into the mists of eternity, or until such time as the big crunch occurs.

Dr Rose, speaking to me by telephone early this morning, went on to describe how this initial discovery of a fatter universe was translated by his team into a profound understanding of the problem of obesity, he explained, "When we first collated our results and sat around wondering what it all meant, we were at a lost as to what to do with the information we had gathered and were at that time being heavily pressured by the Institute to produce something of value for the tens of millions of dollars we had spent on the research, that's when I had my 'eureka' moment and realised that if all matter was getting denser, then as a consequence, human beings, who are essentially constructed of matter, will by the elemental laws of the universe become fatter too."

The report is already having far reaching consequences in the wider world with governments across the globe lifting restrictions placed on fast food companies and slashing the budgets of government departments engaged in promoting good diet and healthy eating, as the British health minister the right honourable Patricia Hewitt remarked, "what's the point in us spending millions, telling people to eat sensibly, when the universe is going to make them fat anyway!"

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