Lost among the saved

Colorado springs-The American people are a deeply religious people in a way that is alien and unsettling to most Europeans.
Ever since the founding fathers included the right to religious freedom into the constitution, America has been rightly known as a haven from religious persecution.
From the early English Puritans to the electricity phobic Dutch Amish, the unjustly persecuted have fled across the cold, storm tossed seas and into the welcoming arms of a tolerant American society.

Recent developments within the religious fabric of the United States are giving some commentators reason to reassess America's supposed religious tolerance, with many now claiming that they are beginning to see the early signs of a Christian theocracy developing within this once tolerant bastion of democracy.

News direct decided to travel to the heart of this new religious phenomena and talk to some of the people involved in the powerful evangelical movement.
Colorado springs, sixty three miles from the Colorado state capital of Denver, is fast becoming known as "Jesus town, USA" due to the vast numbers of churches and Evangelicals that have relocated to the city in recent years.
I had arranged to meet one of the city's most talked about and charismatic preachers and have him explain the concepts and maybe some of the theology behind this huge new movement, that by some recent estimates is said to comprise over eighty million adherents.

Pastor Williams is a handsome man and as he glided easily through his church's plush multi million dollar office to greet me, I had a sense that this was a man not to be taken lightly.
After damaging three of my fingers in the manliest handshake I had ever received, I asked the grey haired pastor to tell me a little bit about his faith and his huge congregation
"You a Christian son? Thought not the Lord always shines a light on the non believer so as we the saved can bring you his message of peace and forgiveness. You want to know what my ministry is about? Well thats it, it's about saving wretched sinners like yourself from the eternal damnation and fiery wrath of of Satan's kingdom and delivering them into the loving arms of our lord and saviour Jesus christ!"
As the pastor said this the ten previously oblivious people working behind him on the office computers all raised their heads and shouted "Hallelujah in Jesus name let it be so!"

Somewhat taken aback by the the impromptu revivalist meeting, I was momentarily at a loss for words and sensing my weakness the stiletto eyed pastor took the opportunity to pepper me with moral questions "You a gayasexual boy? Do you commit the foul sin of man on man brown love?"
After managing to shake my head and deny any previous hot man action, I asked pastor Williams if bum action was the worst sin one could commit.
He looked at me slowly eying me up and down as if still making his mind up about my questionable sexuality and said "Brown love is a mortal sin yes, but sin can not be ranked a sin is a sin is a sin, you understand that boy?"

The pastor relaxed a little, smiled and said quietly but firmly while locking me with a solid gaze "Muslims."
"Pardon?"
"Muslims son! That damn idolatrous belief that some foul Bedouin carpetbagger could claim to speak for our lord is a filthy dirty outrageous lie and the diseased propagators of this filthy slur deserve the full weight of the American military machine to be brought down righteously upon their filthy heathen heads! In Jesus name let it be so!"
The pastor's statement was greeted with another loud chorus of fervent hallelujahs from his devoted and attentive staff.

After the last statement the pastor stood and, after mangling my fingers once more, announced that the interview was now over but as he strode purposefully away he turned back to me and said "We are having a 'let's bomb Iran' rally tomorrow, I'd love to see you there, maybe we can send to those mad mullahs a firm message that we wont accept anything in this world except total love, peace and understanding!"
And with those parting words the pastor disappeared amid another joyous chorus of heartfelt hallelujahs.

Meeting the pastor gave me a new found respect for the ideals of the evangelical movement and has since prompted me to seriously consider joining this burgeoning movement, because after all every one hates Gays and Muslims don't they?

IQ for CPU?

Washington D.C-In an audacious move designed to clear the Internet of it's less than genius subscribers, the US government has announced that from June 2008 all consumers wishing to buy a new computer must first apply for a PC license, which will then be awarded on the successful completion of a basic IQ test.

The radical move comes amid high level concerns that the millions of semi normal Americans cluttering the Internet are adding enormously to the nation's already battered image.
The President is said to be so concerned by the problem that he has publicly stated that he himself will now avoid computers, it is of course a token gesture but many feel this simple act could raise the IQ level of the web by at least ten per cent.

In an after dinner speech attended by Microsoft tyrant Bill Gates, the President said "When I was growing up we didn't have those computery box things and so I didn't feel the need to tell the world what I had for my breakfast and how painful it is being the son of a famous father, I just mostly drank and screwed hookers, that was how I dulled the pain of my existence.
Now I do have one I try stay away from it unless of course I'm reading Prison planet.com or looking at German pissing porn. I urge my fellow Americans to do likewise."

Opposition to the new regulation is already starting to take shape in the form of a protest group called 'Americans for the advancement of the less than normal citizen.'
Keanu Reeves celebrity spokesman for the new pressure group told News direct of his fierce opposition to the proposed computer license "Like whoooa dude, when I like heard it I was like blown away man!
Dude I'm never off my Apple man! I'm like always looking at stuff and talking to other dudes and dudettes. There's no way I'm gonna be able to pass no stupid test. That's why I like became an actor cos I cant do tests, unless it's a screen test!!!
Do you get it? Screen test, I'm an actor man, screen test! That was like major funny dude, screen test! I'm an actor! I was talking about the computer test and then said I cant pass tests unless it's a screen test, get it? I'm an actor!
Anyway dude, I believe this test is wrong man, it's like unamerican to punish stupidity, It's traditional in our great nation to reward stupidity.
So that's why I am against it, screen test you get it! I'm like a famous actor man, screen test!"

Many in Washington feel strong public opposition to the bill will fade over time as people realize
the banishment of mentally challenged citizens from cyberspace would do much to mend the once great nations tattered global image.

The man eating Badgers of Basra

Basra-The body had lain by the side of the pock marked main road for at least three days. Life continued on for in Basra random bodies are a fact of life, merely a nuisance to be stepped around. It was only a week after the local authorities got round to collecting the sun bloated remains that they noticed something rather unusual.
The body did not as expected contain a bullet or indeed a mass of shrapnel as one might expect to find in a victim of western style democracy, but instead bore all the hallmarks of a Badger attack.

For weeks residents of Basra had been complaining of a nocturnal howling and at least three people had contacted local police to report violent incidents involving a Badger like creature.
But police had dismissed the reports as hysterical reactions to the ongoing violence endured by all sections of the now freed from tyranny population.

That was until late last Friday when three men leaving the Mosque after Friday evening prayers were pounced upon by a snarling blood stained badger in full view of over two hundred stunned worshipers.
The men managed to fight off the blood crazed Badger with the help of other believers but were left shocked and bleeding by their black and white encounter.

The story might have stopped there and been filed away along with stories of goat suckers and UFO's had it not been for an eagle eyed Imam, who happened to see the badger make his escape and noticed that a small patch of shaved hair on the badgers behind contained the unmistakable tattoo of a union jack flag.
The Imam immediately called residents to an emergency meeting at the mosque and told angry residents the awful truth that the murderous plagues of badgers were being released by British forces to strike terror into the hearts of a restless population.

This accusation has led to angry mobs descending on the local British outpost for flag burnings and angry chants of "Badgers go home!"
All assurances to local leaders concerning the lack of British involvement in Badger terror has so far failed to assuage the anger felt within the vast Shia community.

As military spokesman Major Mike Shearer told me "We can categorically state that UK forces have not, I repeat have not released man eating badgers into the Basra area."
What makes local people wary of accepting Major Shearer's assurances of a badger free area is the well attested to fact that the British army was known to have used combat badgers during their vicious entanglement in Northern Ireland in the late nineteen eighties.

When I asked Major Shearer about the army's previous use of counter insurgency Badgers he denied all knowledge of a special operations unit involving mans most feared nocturnal enemy.
"Absolutely not, I can assure you Badgers have never been part of Her majesty's armed forces and rumors of a secret Badger warfare division are just that, rumors."

Whether these denials of culpability will soothe the explosive atmosphere in Basra remains to be seen but one thing is for certain, if an another attack occurs British forces will certainly have their hands full.

Latest terror plot averted

Washington D.C- At a press conference this morning officials from the Department of homeland security revealed details of the latest "Hollywood" style plot to have been foiled by the nation's zealous security services.
Thomas A Kitzenberger, head of Muslim surveillance, began the press briefing by saying "Ladies and gentlemen, We here at the Department of homeland security are pleased to announce that early yesterday morning officers from the religious intolerance squad of the Department of homeland security in conjunction with the FBI and sections of the ATF, staged a series of televisually stunning raids at a six separate addresses in the New york area. These brilliantly cinematic operations, I can now reveal, were spectacular success's and we believe may have foiled the most spectacular terrorist plot since the atrocity attempted in Die hard 2."

Mr Kitzenberger then went on to reveal details of the latest audacious attempt to mortally injure liberty.
"We have now taken into custody four dark skinned men and two light skinned men all of whom are believed to be followers of the prophet Mohamed, due to the fact that pitta bread was found in one of the suspects kitchens.
The gang, believed to be associated with Al quada elements controlling operations from deep within Guantanamo, had planned on using their filthy Muslim penis's to urinate in New York's largest reservoir, thereby contaminating the drinking water of over twenty million god fearing Americans.
But due to the diligence of our all consuming and ever watchful security services their foul attempt to make countless numbers of innocent men, women and children drink non Christian urine has been foiled.
I would also like to take this opportunity to thank our special undercover agent who has lived among these animals for the last six months, and without whom none of these arrests would have been possible.
The agent, with no regard for his own personal safety gained the trust of these ghastly criminals and over a period of months rose within their ranks to become their leader.
It was only then after months spent in some of the seediest Muslim bars in New york, that the gang began to plan their fateful strike at the heart of American democracy and our peace loving republic.
After constantly refusing the weapons and explosives our brave undercover agent had offered to supply them, they at last relented and agreed to accompany him on a tour of New york to scout for possible targets.
After two days of constantly driving the criminals round New york, they begged to be driven home and it was on that fateful drive home that one of the suspects said 'How about I piss in the reservoir will that make you happy man?'
It was at this point we decided to pull our agent out and make the arrests before they could put this dastardly plan into action."

The men are now being held at an unknown location believed to be somewhere within the vast American empire.

A glimmer of hope?

Baghdad- Ever since good old uncle Sam decided to liberate Iraq's vast oil reserves and test his latest billion dollar weapons, we have become accustomed to dreading the dark news that manages to seep out of the carefully controlled green zone and into our shocked living rooms on a nightly basis.
Roadside bombings, suicide bombings, missing money, massacres, rape, torture and out of control mercenaries, we have seen it all in recent times and still day after day the Vietnamesque images continue to come.

At a time when even the most rabid spittle flecked Neocons are slowly starting to desert the sinking President's ill conceived attempts at corporate empire, I decided to scour the Iraqi capital in search of an uplifting news story that gives the Iraqis and indeed the world a small glimmer of light to head towards.

My interpreter and I drove at high speeds through the pock marked and deserted streets of the capital towards the "quiet" Baghdad suburb of Alyamnhya, which before the sudden and deadly arrival of peace and democracy was a well to do suburb containing some of Baghdad's finest houses and none of the rubble which mysteriously abounds today.
After more than an hours drive from the relative safety of the green zone, we arrived at the gates of a large colonial era villa set back from the quiet road. We waited patiently as two AK47 wielding guards cautiously opened the gates and allowed us to cruise into the large compound.

The villa is the impressive home of prewar Baghdad's most famous film maker Yusuf Ali Khan, famous throughout the middle east for his poetic homages to colour, form and the timeless images of nomadic desert life.
Mr Khan greeted me warmly and as we sat and drank tea among the date trees and bougainvillea of his sedate garden, he began to tell me of his latest venture into the world of film.

Between sips of sweet tea Mr Khan excitedly told me of his latest project "I am very happy with the latest film, its in post production at the moment and I think 'Baghdad buggery' may be even better than 'Sadr city sluts', fingers crossed!"
When I asked him why he had suddenly switched his artistic direction he declared that "This is what people want in a western style democracy, they no longer need the quiet reflections on desert life to spiritually sustain them through the depths of dictatorship.
What people need now is double penetration and close up money shots of the hairiest Muslim sluts in the Islamic world. A film maker must change and grow with his audience or become irrelevant."
Mr Khan's latest projects have made him considerably richer and he says that since the gun point implementation of American values upon the liberated Iraqi population, he has come to see that "Money is the real god of the world and art has no real value except the price someone is willing to pay to own it."

After saying my farewells and beginning my high speed journey back to the green zone, I reflected on how not everything in Baghdad is as bleak as the cynics like to paint it and that there do indeed seem to be some green shoots of recovery showing through the barren desert sands.
The Iraqi peoples struggle to freedom and democracy will be long and hard, but I believe men like Yusuf Ali Khan have the will and the vision to lead Baghdad from its current nightmare into the loving arms of Coca cola freedom and corporate peace.

God to disband Christianity

New york- At a hastily arranged press conference this morning in the Plaza hotel's grand ballroom a "tired and emotional" Jehovah declared to waiting reporters that as from next week, the world's Christians were no longer welcome within his houses of worship and that hence forth all Christian worship of him or mention of his name would be treated as copyright infringement and trade mark violation.

An obviously emotional supreme being confessed that he had spent many sleepless eternities debating his decision to ban the still growing messiah cult and said he hoped "people would understand"
When asked what had led him to take such drastic steps he declared "After many, many, many hours of soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I cannot continue to allow such odious intolerant hypocritical mortals to continue to use my name to justify countless acts of intolerance, hatred and in some extreme cases genocide."

When it was pointed out that he himself had at one time encouraged his "chosen people" to commit acts such as genocide in his best selling account of the Jews, known as the Bible.
He looked exasperated and quietly confessed that he "had changed a lot since then, and everyone does things they think are right in their younger days, only to look back with regrets and a determination not to repeat the same mistakes."

When asked whether his basic language of symbolism had been grossly misrepresented by corrupt officials and uneducated blind believers, he could only nod quietly and declare that he would take no more questions.
What effect this will have on the world's estimated two billion Christians is still unclear and with no word yet from the Vatican, believers worldwide are waiting anxiously to see which way this story will swing.

Most Christians this reporter has spoken to about the shock announcement have declared God's decision unconstitutional and have vowed to fight any ban in the highest court in the land.
Hubert P Lovebody, a born again evangelical from Sodom, Georgia, told me "I don't care if he does ban me! I will still worship him, it's gone beyond simple deity worship now, and too many people have a lot of money and votes invested in this thing just to let him ban us."

So it seems the Almighty one will have quite a fight on his hands if he is to carry out his threat to ban the people he has often referred to in the past as "cross junkies" from entering his churches and worshipping him against his divine will.

Blair's first steps on the road to Baghdad and infamy

Sedgefield- Before the emergence of the CIA/MI5 project known to the world by the soap powder epithet of "New Labour" the tiny ex mining community of Sedgefield was just another small town in the north of England struggling to come to terms with the devastating effects of the free market lunacy we now call Thatcherism.
But Sedgefield's quiet northern dignity was soon to be shattered with the sudden appearance, in 1983, of a young rock and roll rebel named Anthony Charles Linton Blair.

The young socialist guitar playing stranger was said to have walked into the local Trimbdon Labour club, took out his battered old Stratocaster and then played an Hendrix style version of "The Internationale" before declaring to stunned pensioners "Yeah, It would be kinda groovy, if I could like represent you cats in that Westminster head space."

This is just one of the many early Blair stories, so News direct decided to go back to Sedgefield and talk to some of the people who knew the tearaway rebel MP in his earliest days and to find out how a wannabe pop star became the infamous "Bambi of Baghdad"

In the quiet settings of the Trimbdon Labour club's Kon tiki room over pints of warm ale and pork scratchings Eric Shipthorpe 61, told me of the first time he set eyes on the future lap dog of American imperialism "I was at the bar one day reading the socialist worker and having a pint like, and in walks this barefoot flare wearing freak and says to me he is our new MP. I was about to hoy him though the door, but then he said 'I know your pain brother' and I looked slowly up into his mad right eye and have followed him blindly ever since."

Stories of this kind are common in Sedgefield and will be familiar to thousands of bemused voters throughout the country who have looked into that famous mad right eye and suddenly had the urge to speak in an American accent, sell off all their national assets and murder their brown neighbours.
Mrs Hilda Grim, a cleaner at the local shoelace factory, told me "Before he came here I got on quite well with my neighbours, the Khans, but he told me they were trying to change my way of life and make me give up bacon. He said I should paint "Pakis out!" on their windows, So I did!
They then put me in jail for six months for what the judge called "A sustained campaign of hatred and violence utilising dog shit and threats"

Listening to the bewildered folk of Sedgefield trying to rationalise their manic behaviour and blind obedience to a man well known for his Pol Pot smiles and psychopathic rages reminds one of the shell shocked post war German who said "We just looked at his moustache and hoped for the best"

Pentagon calls up the Giraffes

Washington D.C- In another sign that Washington's war on terror isn't going quite as planned, the pentagon has been forced to call up 250 reserve giraffes normally based in sleepy Savannah, Georgia.

The giraffes will be sent to Iraq within the month and are expected to be used for reconnaissance and intelligence gathering within the Iraqi capital.
General Leigh Van Camp of the pentagon's specialist warfare division announced the planned deployment to reporters earlier today by saying "I would like to announce to you good folks here today that Savannah Georgia's world Famous fighting G squad will be deploying within the next few weeks to the fine city of Baghdad to assist our freedom loving troops in the fierce urban combat they are currently engaged in around the liberated city."

The call up of the 250 giraffes is seen in some quarters a desperate measure but this idea was strongly rejected by General Van Camp who insisted that it had always in the Pentagons plans to send the army's tallest warriors to Iraq at some point during the current turmoil.

The army are believed to use the giraffes as forward observers and as an integral part of the Pentagons "shock and awe" tactics.
As General Van Camp later stated the giraffes have the ability to see over high fences and most large buildings into the nearby streets giving US troops a crucial advantage against the freedom hating insurgents plaguing the liberated streets of Baghdad.

Giraffes have a long and glorious history in the United states army and were first used in the second world war during the famous Normandy landings.
The giraffes were used to attack the built up German positions by using their extraordinarily long tongues to place explosive charges into the narrow gun slots of the Nazi bunkers.
This tactic proved spectacularly effective and was said to have saved many lives in the bitter quest for European freedom.

It remains to be seen if this latest pentagon gamble will pay off or be yet another tragic mistake to add to the list of things entitled "How not to win friends and influence people"

Sarkozy claims his bitch

Paris- The streets of Paris were eerily quiet this morning as news of the election victory of Nicholas "Le prince of darkness" Sarkozy was announced to a stunned and fearful population.

The normal hustle and bustle of one of the world's most cosmopolitan capitals has been replaced by shuttered up shops and the hideous realisation that the nation is now ruled over by a Neo con neophyte who has promised to make his idol Baroness Thatcher look like "A playful right wing kitten"

Mr Sarkozy, speaking from a secret lair deep beneath the labyrinthine streets of Paris, moved quickly to dispel the population's unwarranted fears and declared "Although I am now your dark overlord and as such demand the total cooperation of all people in my dark schemes, you should not fear me, fear only my vengeful wrath."

President Sarkozy's election defeat of the dour socialist housewife Segolene Royal was strangely enough forecast over four centuries ago by the famous seer and prophet Nostradamus who said in the thirty third quatrain of his master work "Things that will happen (probably)"

In the year of seven and two thousand the beast shall defeat the maid,
and all of France will tremble and fear be shared
before the power of the man they call "La tete de merde"

President Sarkozy's first big political test is set to come in July with the elections for the national assembly. Plans have already been put in place to begin rounding up political opponents in mid June to spare the President and his minions the arduous task of fixing yet another election.
Yves choix de satans, the presidents newly appointed world bank advisor has already stated that the new administration expects their own 911 event quite soon to give the new president the pretext he needs to enact the country's new security laws and bring them into line with the other nations already mired in the darkness of Neo con rule.

SAS move in to clear way for Harry

London- The ministry of defence declared earlier today that Britain's favourite Nazi prince will definitely be serving with his regiment, the Blues and royals, in the British section of the quagmire known as Iraq.

Prince Harry Von Windsor, son of the late princess Diana and her ginger riding instructor Major James "big one for the ladies" Hewitt, has recently declared he would immediately quit the army if not allowed to participate in the wholesale massacre of brown people currently taking place within Iraq.

Whitehall officials have been feverishly working on the problem since Prince Harry declared to the press "One can't wait to get over there and shoot a few sand niggers."
The preferred option would have been to place Harry in a heavily fortified camp and use available British forces to surround and protect the "Rourke's drift" type compound from the inevitable 24/7 attacks this would engender.

Prince Harry was said to have been furious when he heard of the "Rourke's drift" plan and allegedly stormed into the Prime ministers office and threatened to reveal details of his families notorious war time Nazi connections unless he was allowed to "Torture some wogs with the rest of the chaps"
Having forced the Prime ministers hand operation "Royal visit" was quickly formulated, the early stages of which are now under way in the British Basra section of the ongoing turmoil.

Operation "Royal visit" calls for six four man SAS teams to clear an area of Basra a mile square and, after mining the perimeter, set up round the clock surveillance of the area while teams of Royal engineers construct a small palace in preparation for the princes arrival.
After the "Hero" Prince arrives it will be the SAS's job to ensure that Harry fulfills his ambition of "Killing at least three darkies" and making sure the prince is not captured or shot by terrified Americans.

Three Hercules Transport planes have already arrived in Basra filled with some of the Prince's essential kit including such necessities as, 1000 crates of Bollinger, 2 cases of Beluga, 3 cases of Foie gras, an Xbox 360, 2 polo ponies, and a vast DVD collection.
The ministry of defence have declared themselves to be "delighted" that His royal highness has decided to join the oilacaust and have promised that Field marshal Harry Von Windsor will be treated like any normal soldier.

Troops already serving out in Iraq have been clamouring to serve alongside the Prince as its seen as the best way to get home intact and without the aid of a body bag.
One soldier just back from the carnage told me "We are right proud that the prince would even consider coming out there and giving us a hand, I'm sure with a bit of Royal input we will be able to sort the situation out within a few weeks. God bless him!"

US envoy arrives in Pyongyang

Pyongyang- A five man team of US negotiators arrived in the North Korean capital late last night in the hopes of persuading Kim Jong Il into trilateral talks with Washington and Beijing about North Korea's nuclear ambitions.

The American delegation were greeted at the airport by thousands of schoolchildren dressed as Iraqi insurgents, chanting in broken English "Imperialist American running dogs go home you are not welcome here in the glorious soviet socialist paradise created here on earth by our dear father and protector the majestic Kim Jong Il."

The American team were rushed through the jeering crowd by their huge security team and driven at high speed in 16 black Humvee's to their hotel in the centre of Pyongyang.

The American delegation are due to meet senior North Korean officials sometime next week and have been told by Washington to offer the Koreans "anything within reason" to try to persuade their reluctant hosts into talks.

Rumours abound within Pyongyang's diplomatic circles that the North Koreans will play hardball with the Americans and have already prepared a list of demands for the American team.

The list prepared by members of the North Korean Politburo is said to include a full apology for the Korean war with reparations, the restoral of diplomatic ties to Washington, a state visit by Prince Edward and an initial agreement to build a Disneyland Pyongyang.

The last two requests are believed to be personally sought by President Kim Jong Il as he believes having Prince Edward visit the country would add glamour and prestige to the much misunderstood nation. As for the building of Disneyland Pyongyang its thought the North Koreans are trying to boost their flagging tourism trade. Their homegrown theme park, Glorious revolution of the steadfast Korean peoples land, has so far failed to bring in the hordes of rich western tourists the government hoped it would.

The American team are said to be reluctant to acquiesce to all the Korean demands but are willing to consider the prince Edward option on condition Pyongyang agrees to immediately halt its ongoing nuclear program and consents to the trilateral talks they are demanding.

Whether the Koreans will accept this and give up the dream of Disneyland Pyongyang is still unknown as it's believed the president is a great admirer of Disney for their even handed treatment of dwarfs and their love of giant mice.

Iran frees British sailor

Tehran- Herbert Gumthorpe has been a sailing enthusiast for most of his adult life, but his recent detention by Iran's revolutionary guard is making him rethink his innocent hobby.

Mr Gumthorpe a retired accountant from Telford fell into the hands of the Iranians late last week after being blown off course on what was supposed to be a day trip round the Isle of Wight.

Mr Gumthorpe having lost all radio contact and navigation equipment failed to realise he had strayed into Iranian waters until his twenty foot pleasure craft "The Tiddler" was stopped and boarded by over thirty swarthy men in full combat apparel.

Speaking to me yesterday afternoon from his bungalow in Telford Mr Gumthorpe said "I'm an experienced sailor and have seen the sea in all its moods from playful kitten to foul temptress of the deep, but this Iranian thing has really made me rethink my hobby."

When asked how he ended up so far off course Mr Gumthorpe said "Well any sailor will tell you the currents off the Isle of Wight are some of the strongest in the world and I only realised I was so far off course when the weather changed to a steady 104 degrees in the shade, and I thought to my self, that's not normal for the south coast in April."

The Iranians for their part are said to be extremely embarrassed by the incident but have stated that it is not the first time westerners have ventured into their territorial waters looking for a causus belli.

The Iranian foreign minister has formally apologised to Mr Gumthorpe for the full cavity search and electrical interrogation he endured and has extended an invitation for him to visit Tehran as a guest of the Iranian people.

Mr Gumthorpe told me "If they think I'm ever going back there they are sadly mistaken! One of the blighters put his finger in me, said he was looking for radio transmitters, I said, I don't know where you keep yours matey, but I certainly don't keep mine up there!"

What effect this latest clash between Iran and the west will have on the deteriorating political situation is unclear but some in Westminster and Washington are already citing the "Gumthorpe incident" as evidence of Tehran's lust for war against the peace loving English speaking peoples of the world.

Why I support George W Bush

I'm going to let you good folks in on a little secret, a secret not even my closest friends know, intrigued?

Once a very long time ago while still in college, your faithful reporter once voted Democrat.
Now I know what you're thinking, why did a patriotic all American boy like him sell his very essence to the vile anti American communist entity that plagues our sacred electoral system?

Well like all red blooded American males I did something I'm not proud of for one reason and one reason only- to get laid.

Now I'm not here to advocate or even justify my vile actions to a obviously horrified nation, no I'm here to say yes, you can commit crimes in your youth and filled with regret you can also strive like a patriot to correct the wrongs you have done to the American people.

For does it not say in the good book, (the book of Cyril, verse four.)

Thoust shall make all right in your older days, all that thouest done wrong in thouest younger days, and ye shall never again touch your neighbours donkey in an inappropriate manner without said donkeys express and written permission.

This is one of the reasons I now feel obliged to support our current president, a man who though born to great power is a humble man, as at home reading stories of goats to beautiful wholesome American children as he is waging a valiant holy war against those filthy rag headed heathens who blatantly deny our lord Jesus Christ.

Now I can hear the traitorous left leaning scum among you say yes, we know the president is a good and humble man but we hate all that is just and righteously American, why should we support the president?

I'll tell you why you dirty liberal pinko bastards, because we have your names and addresses, you really think that the ballot box is secret?
Think again you filthy socialist traitors, we know who you put your dirty little mark against and in the not too distant future expect a knock on the door in the middle of the night.

This is why, after a youthful indiscretion I've worked my whole life to right that wrong and to steer the young and impressionable minds of this country into voting for a man with vision, a man with faith, a man with more than twenty pairs of cowboy boots.
And that folks is why I support George W Bush the forty third and in my view the greatest president this union ever elected.

Who is Camp David?

Washington D.C- Whitehouse aides are this morning desperately trying to play down rumours that the President is conducting a secret extramarital affair.

The latest gossip inside the Beltway is said to involve the President's frequent visits to a "friend" known only as Camp David.
Whitehouse aides are said to be furious that news of the President's sleep overs have leaked beyond the trusted inner circle of the Oval office and into some of the nation's seedier publications.

One magazine has even published pictures of the President relaxing at Camp David's secluded hideaway. Little is known about the man known only as "Camp David" but Washington hacks say he has been on "intimate" terms with more than one President.

Many in the GOP are said to be seriously considering asking the President to either finish his friendship with Camp David or resign from office.
One Republican insider who wished to remain anonymous told me "We just can't have a Christian President tainted by the foul stench of man on man bum love.
How will we ever get those Christian fanatics to vote Republican again if they know their commander in chief is indulging in all out faggotry?"

What these damaging allegations will mean to the embattled President is still unclear.Most commentators are now saying the reaction of the First lady is vital to the Presidents future.If she plays the Tammy Wynette card and stands by her man he may just ride out the storm of pink controversy.

Bush announces "War on reading"

Washington DC- President George W Bush today proudly announced his administrations new vote winning inititive that is sure to rival the already popular "War on terror".

The President humbly stood before the Washington press pack and laid out the details of his latest scare tatic. "As the American people know I have been steadfast in my determination to foster liberty, at home and abroad, and to protect our people from the horrors of empty slogans and ill defined bogeymen. It is therefore with this steadfast determination and an iron resolve that I have instructed all segments of my government to declare total war on the curse of reading."

As an appreciative murmur ran through the assembled lap dogs of the media; the President cleared his throat and continued "This war won't be like the glorious one our father's fought. It will be a war without end aimed at bringing back a country our proud founding fathers would have easily recognized and I'm sure applauded. From this day forth anybody caught with an unauthorized book, newspaper, magazine or pamphlet will be liable, under ammendment 26a of the Patriot act, to immediate arrest and imprisonment within our specially extended gulag at Guantanamo."

When asked why this new curb on freedoms was needed, when the nation was already fighting the double fronted war on terror and the ever popular war on drugs, the president responded "Readers are an insidious and silent danger to the freedom of this country and as such deserve the full attention of my administrations zealous fearmongering."

The President went on to say that some exemptions to the new war on reading would be announced shortly with most insiders believing that the exemptions will include the Bible and the government approved bile of Rupert Murdoch's Newscorp publications.

A spokesman for the Democratic party cautiously welcomed the new never ending war and stated "Obviously this is a problem we have been talking about for a long time and we are glad the President has finally seen fit to look at the problem. The only misgivings we have over new scare tatic is the proposed punishment of gitmoising reading terrorists.We would like to see summary execution as the penalty for this crime; maybe in converted libraries."

911 conspiracy nut tells all!!

Crawford- Ever since the charred rubble remains of that fateful day were removed, and the valuable steel sold to China, people have looked to the steadfastly determined US government to make sense of the confusion and fear that surrounds the most important terrorist attack in world history.

Just days after the September 2001 attack, while the still smoking foundations of the world trade centre were being forensically examined; a storm of "alternative" theories were already beginning to swirl and eddy around the feet of shocked investigators.

Late last week I met with one of the most vocal of these conspiracy theorists, a Mr G.W Bush, in his isolated Texas ranch. Amid the mountains of dog eared files and half finished cigarettes Mr Bush, with all the zeal of a TV evangelist, began to walk me through the many and varied corridors of his complicated take on the 2001 atrocities.

He began, after checking through his notes, by telling me of his belief that the massive phallic structures, and symbols of American greatness had been brought down by a small cabal of bearded Arabian gentlemen from a cave in the snowy and inaccessable mountains of northern Afghanistan.

Sensing my obvious unease at his ludicrous and far fetched claim, he smiled and said, "I know it sounds crazy, but if you look at the evidence objectively; you will in the fullness of time come to the same "crazy" conclusions."

Undeterred by my initial skepticism Mr Bush continued vigourously along his carefully constructed path and told me, "I firmly believe that a specially trained unit of these Arabs, took control of those planes that day, using only sharpened boxcutters and an unshakeable faith in their wicked God."

When I raised an eyebrow at his fantastic story and asked if this was really the case, then how could these supposed mountain men, get the sophisticated North American air defenses to stand down? How could they fly these planes with next to no training into the exact targets? How could they even finance such an operation without the much needed financial assistance of a friendly government's backing?

Mr Bush nodded and said, "Look at the evidence, firstly NORAD was conducting drills that day specifically simulating the exact details, and times of what was to happen that day, and on your second point they were known to have had as much as two days training in flying small aircrafts in and around the Florida area. on your last point about the finances you have to look at the "put" options placed on the airlines stocks that day."

When I responded to his last point and stated that the financial aspect had already been well investigated and that the leads discovered led investigators straight to a CIA front company. he smiled and said, "How convenient!"

With reasoning like this I knew he would never accept the real story of that epoch making day and left his ranch with a new and slightly disturbing insight into the dedicated group of men and women; who continue to fill the internet and the wackier newspapers of the nation with their strange and malignant beliefs.