Madrid- The La vómito del perro restaurant in the centre of Madrid is the kind of place that requires you to book six months in advance and be prepared to pay gracious homage to whatever the Chef deigns to put in front of you.
The exquisite glamour of the surroundings only added to my nervousness as I made my way carefully through the maze of empty tables towards the table of possibly the most famous man in the world.
The man known the world over as "Golden balls" stood as I took my seat and after thanking me for coming asked "You want summat to eat mate? They got some kinda pie on today some fink called piella. I fink its like a dago version of steak and kidney."
After declining the gracious offer of pie Beckham showed his obvious mastery of the the spanish language by shouting at the waiter "HE NO WANTEE ANY PIEIO UNDERSTANDIO PEDRO!!"
I complimented him on his linguistic skills and asked the former england failure how hard it had been for him to adapt to a new language and culture.
He switched effortlessly from the spanish he was using only moments before and said "When I first came here I couldnt speak a word mate; but the thing I most had trouble with was the bleeding grub, it's all that foreign muck, you cant get any of the Bernard Matthews range!! But I guess it's like cancer really, you get used to living with it."
When asked about the prospect of an England recall a mask of diplomacy clouds his face and he says "Obviously it's still my dream to pull on the two lions and do my best for the team; but thats up to that new ginger bloke now. If Mr Mcoist finks I'm playing well over here then I'm sure he will beg me to come back. He has rang me a few times over the last couple of weeks mostly just asking my advice on trousers and stuff; but also on his lovely attempt at hair."
Beckham seems a man at peace with the world and his lofty position within it. when asked about his forthcoming American adventure his face lights up as he declares "I can't wait obviously its gonna be another big challenge learning the lingo and that; but I've always wanted to play baseball and when the Harlem Globetrotters came in for me I knew it was the right choice for me."
When asked about his celebrity friendship with the hetrosexual religiously suspect movie star Tom Cruise; Beckham said "Tom is a very wise man probably the cleverest person I know. when I asked his advice on moving to that there America he said 'Change is like a new start and a new start is like a change'
At first I couldnt get my head around that cos I never carry change but then I got what he meant sometimes you need change for the phone and stuff or maybe for a parking meter."
With that pearl of Cruise wisdom David concluded the interview stood up and shook my hand before saying "I gotta go to that Bernie bows now and do some football for a bit.. take care."
As I watched cat skinned ponchoed megastar leave I could only gaze at his rapidly departing back and wonder what exciting new adventures lay ahead in the land of the used to be free for the man they call Golden balls.
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