Tuesday, 29 May 2007

Dr Bamboo denies gross misconduct charges

London-World famous doctor and sexual healer to the stars, Dr Mohendras K Bamboo was in London this morning to appear before the general medical council on charges of gross misconduct and criminal negligence.

Dr bamboo arrived at the preliminary hearing forty five minutes late and declared to waiting reporters that "All these bloody charges are not fucking true! That woman is just a bloody lying slut pig!"
The charges arise from a former patient of Dr Bamboo's who alleges that while seeing him for a case of persistent ear ache the doctor asked her to undress and then proceeded to place three fingers into her shocked vagina.

Sadly for Dr Bamboo this is not his first brush with the medical authorities. In 1995 the doctor was charged by the AMA in New york with filming unconscious female patients and selling the resulting tapes with titles such as "Horny sleeping bitches" and "Wow dude! That bitch looks dead!" to various Japanese voyeur websites.
Though as Dr Bamboo has since pointed out all charges were eventually dropped against him after all six witnesses died suddenly of Amoebic Dysentery.

After the two hour hearing a relaxed looking Dr Bamboo graciously consented to giving the assembled media his thoughts on the charges laid before him "I would like to take this moment to assure the world of my very deep innocence in these ugly and unsubstantiated charges against me and to further assure the world that this whole unfortunate charade has been a huge misunderstanding on the part of a sad and confused seventy five year old slut."

When questioned on the medical validity of placing three fingers into an elderly woman's vagina
on the pretext of curing an ear ache, the doctor responded furiously by asking "Are you a doctor!!! No I thought not! I was merely using an old Persian method for taking a ladies temperature with out having her suffer the discomfort of having a thermometer in her mouth for five minutes."

Dr Bamboo went on to say "And now because I put a patient's comfort before 'accepted medical practice' I am castigated and treated like a criminal, I can tell you fine gentlemen here and now that after I am cleared of these ludicrous charges, I will be suing that old bitch for everything she has got!."
With this last statement the doctor climbed into his waiting Bentley and was driven away at high speeds.

We here at News direct would like to take this opportunity offer our full support to our esteemed colleague in his fight for justice and will continue to look forward to his informative and almost saintly columns,
which can be read by clicking the link under the doctor's picture on the left side of this page.

Beckham to head new F.A shirt sales drive

London- There were scenes of total panic in the football associations Soho square headquarters this week as monthly shirt sales reports showed a massive down turn since every ones favourite show pony was dropped from the F.A's regular ninety minute televised adverts.

Soho square mandarins were said to be so alarmed by the drop in profits that a courier was immediately dispatched to Madrid to try to persuade David Beckham to participate in England's next scheduled shirt sales drive, against the best selling yellow shirts of Brazil.

Terry Finch of the Football association's maximise profits committee told me earlier today "Yes it's true that since the World cup sales have been down and our change of advertising direction does not seemed to have worked the way we hoped it would. Beckham was a brand people liked and I think we changed our strategy too soon by focusing our sales drive on younger unproved sales talent such as Aaron Lennon, Wright Phillips etc.
But we here at the F.A are not the type of people who can't admit to mistakes, that's why we have decided to feature Beckham in our next ninety minute special against Nike's best seller. It should be interesting to see who will come out on top of this eagerly awaited titanic struggle for global shirt supremacy."

Beckham was said to have been delighted to be asked to participate in the much anticipated sales extravaganza as he believes the world should have a chance to see his latest hair cut before he departs Europe for the unsophisticated North American sales division.
The Football association are taking a massive gamble by going back to the old "look it's Becks!" advertising strategy as qualification to next year's European sales championships is looking increasingly like a far fetched dream.
Indeed this new advertisement feature against Brazil may be the F.A's last attempt to see the type of sales one would expect from a blue chip brand in today's increasingly competitive global market.

Monday, 28 May 2007

Chavez closes RCTV

Caracas- The streets of Venezuela's capital were last night scenes of confusion and chaos as thousands of anti Chavez demonstrators took to the streets to protest the president's controversial closure of RCTV.

Supporters of the renegade TV station claim CIA sponsored plots against the country's elected government were just a small part of the channels overall content and the majority of its supporters out on the streets claim the government has really closed the station due to them deciding to kill off the popular character of Chico Martinez in the country's longest running and most popular soap "Las putas de la calles"

Chavez was said to be so incensed at RCTV's
decision to kill off the Chico Martinez character that he withdrew to his bed room for four days and refused to eat or even speak to aides until RCTV reinstated the handsome yet reckless womaniser Chico Martinez.

Marcel Granier, the channel's general manager, sensing a weakness in the government's position declared that as long as Venezuela is run for the benefit of its poorest citizens and not American foreign policy and the country's bloated reactionary oligarchy, Chico Martinez will not be returning to the nation's screens.
It was this provocative declaration that seems to have finally pushed the beleaguered President
into the fateful decision to not renew the stations broadcasting license.

Immediately after RCTV's last tear filled broadcast, a new government channel appeared and declared after four hours of martial music and photos of the President that the new channel would be even better than the old one and would be starting its entertainment cavalcade with the new soap opera "El hermoso revolucionario"

The new soap, a story of a young and handsome socialist president fighting against foreign enemies and domestic foes, is said to have been written by someone at the very heart of government and is set to become required viewing for all government employees.
The main character of the new soap, Ugo shavex is said to be a devil may care freedom fighting anti hero with an irresistible love of danger and the company of beautiful women. Whether the new character can replace Chico Martinez in the nation's hearts still remains to be seen.

Friday, 25 May 2007

The obscene tree of Fort Jesus

Fort Jesus- Nestled in the quiet hillbilly magnificence of the Ozark mountains sits the quietly inbred community of Fort Jesus, Arkansas.
For generations this sleepy town has slumbered through the tumultuous revolutions of history and has been perfectly content with the quiet anonymity that isolation and a fondness for shot guns brings.

Things changed suddenly late last week when a local man named Earl P Ford was found by passing state troopers masturbating furiously before an obscene birch tree.
Sheriff Wilton Dicks, one of the arresting officers, told me of the moment he discovered Mr Ford in mid stroke "We had just finished lunch and were driving back into town when my partner screeched to a halt, grabbed the radio and screamed 'What in the name of Jesus's holy donkey are doing son!' It was then that I saw Mr Ford about to splatter the filthiest looking tree I ever saw with his silver baby juice."

After both officers recovered from the shock they rushed over quickly and arrested the still shaking Mr ford "When we got him it was a fraction of a second too late, he had emitted his procreative gravy and was in the process of pulling up his dungarees. After we had cuffed him all he could say was that he couldn't help himself and slutty trees shouldn't ought to be allowed to tempt innocent god fearing men into acts of self defilement. I must admit after seeing the lascivious tree close up, old Earl has a point."

This should have been the end of the story, but because the tree had decided to put on its lewd display close to a local school, it was decided by outraged town officials that it must be cut down before the innocence of any passing children was unduly besmirched.

Before local authorities could get to the tree and put a stop to its filthy growth, a local Pastor saw the tree and immediately declared that it was not wooden pornography, but god given representation of a dying Christ on the cross sent by the lord to redeem local sinners.

The Pastor was so taken with the tree that he immediately chained himself to the trunk and began to loudly sing "Onward Christian soldiers" and preach to the bemused tree surgeons the city council had sent to remove the tree.
With things now reaching an impasse and tempers beginning to fray, It was the local librarian Mrs Eleanor Deutsch who suggested a compromise that has led to the peaceful resolution of Fort Jesus's filthy Birch/dying Jesus problem.
She came up with the brilliant solution of knitting a kaftan for the tree thus rendering it inoffensive and still capable of religious veneration.

So now whenever Mr Ford or for that matter any innocent school children pass by the offending tree all they will see is a silver birch clad in a modest woolen kaftan.
All thanks to the simple application of a woman's reason.

Thursday, 24 May 2007

Britain awash with teenage virgins

Whitehall- A leaked government report obtained by News direct has shed some unwelcome light on one of New Labour's most shocking failures. The secret report states that in some deprived areas of Britain there are girls as young as thirteen that have not had full penetrative sex.

The damning report also states that Government schemes to promote early sexual adventuring and teenage pregnancy have been little more than "shambolic and costly failures"
New Labour stormed to power in 1997 promising to build on the conservatives fine record of teenage pregnancy and drug abuse and many in the party will see this latest report as a damning verdict on ten years of failed government policy.

A Whitehall insider who agreed to talk to News direct on the condition of full anonymity told me that although the government had "poured millions into breaking the hymen problem among teenage girls, more and more were choosing to wait and only to consent to sex within committed relationships, thus making a mockery of the Governments "No hymen left behind" initiative."

The total and abject failure of Government policy has been so absolute that on some council estates it has become a rarity to see a Burberry track suited teenager pushing a double buggy and swearing at her kids.
Things are so bad on one estate in the north of England that there are women who have reached thirty and are not yet grandmothers.

One expert on this troubling problem we spoke to declared that limited access to alcohol was one of the main contributing factors, but also blamed the Government for not making penetrative sex mandatory for any girl over fourteen, which after all was one of the main planks of New Labour's 1997 manifesto.

One teenage girl we spoke to even went so far as to say "I've never even seen a cock and I certainly don't want one in me, till I'm at least thirty"
It is indeed a shocking indictment on ten years of New Labour misrule and must surely be one of the first things one eyed prime minister in waiting Gordon Brown must address, before we sink to the sort of levels seen in hell holes such as Sweden and Holland.

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

A glimmer of hope?

Baghdad- Ever since good old uncle Sam decided to liberate Iraq's vast oil reserves and test his latest billion dollar weapons, we have become accustomed to dreading the dark news that manages to seep out of the carefully controlled green zone and into our shocked living rooms on a nightly basis.
Roadside bombings, suicide bombings, missing money, massacres, rape, torture and out of control mercenaries, we have seen it all in recent times and still day after day the Vietnamesque images continue to come.

At a time when even the most rabid spittle flecked Neocons are slowly starting to desert the sinking President's ill conceived attempts at corporate empire, I decided to scour the Iraqi capital in search of an uplifting news story that gives the Iraqis and indeed the world a small glimmer of light to head towards.

My interpreter and I drove at high speeds through the pock marked and deserted streets of the capital towards the "quiet" Baghdad suburb of Alyamnhya, which before the sudden and deadly arrival of peace and democracy was a well to do suburb containing some of Baghdad's finest houses and none of the rubble which mysteriously abounds today.
After more than an hours drive from the relative safety of the green zone, we arrived at the gates of a large colonial era villa set back from the quiet road. We waited patiently as two AK47 wielding guards cautiously opened the gates and allowed us to cruise into the large compound.

The villa is the impressive home of prewar Baghdad's most famous film maker Yusuf Ali Khan, famous throughout the middle east for his poetic homages to colour, form and the timeless images of nomadic desert life.
Mr Khan greeted me warmly and as we sat and drank tea among the date trees and bougainvillea of his sedate garden, he began to tell me of his latest venture into the world of film.

Between sips of sweet tea Mr Khan excitedly told me of his latest project "I am very happy with the latest film, its in post production at the moment and I think 'Baghdad buggery' may be even better than 'Sadr city sluts', fingers crossed!"
When I asked him why he had suddenly switched his artistic direction he declared that "This is what people want in a western style democracy, they no longer need the quiet reflections on desert life to spiritually sustain them through the depths of dictatorship.
What people need now is double penetration and close up money shots of the hairiest Muslim sluts in the Islamic world. A film maker must change and grow with his audience or become irrelevant."
Mr Khan's latest projects have made him considerably richer and he says that since the gun point implementation of American values upon the liberated Iraqi population, he has come to see that "Money is the real god of the world and art has no real value except the price someone is willing to pay to own it."

After saying my farewells and beginning my high speed journey back to the green zone, I reflected on how not everything in Baghdad is as bleak as the cynics like to paint it and that there do indeed seem to be some green shoots of recovery showing through the barren desert sands.
The Iraqi peoples struggle to freedom and democracy will be long and hard, but I believe men like Yusuf Ali Khan have the will and the vision to lead Baghdad from its current nightmare into the loving arms of Coca cola freedom and corporate peace.

Sunday, 20 May 2007

The sad plight of Bogota's street cats

Bogota- Amid the car horns, smog and back streets of Columbia's largest city, a silent and tragic tale is quietly unfolding.
It has been estimated by independent charities that there are almost two hundred thousand homeless cats on the capital's streets and with the vast majority of them turning to crime and prostitution in a desperate attempt to survive, it has become a major problem for the city's under funded social programs.
The problem has become so bad that certain areas of the capital have become virtual no go areas, places into which even Columbia's heavily armed cocaine fueled police fear to tread.

Father Jose en el Gato, a local Jesuit priest who runs a mission offering support to the strays told me of their problems and of his selfless work with South America's forgotten felines.
"It's very tragic, I first came here as a young priest in the sixties and as I stepped off the bus from the airport I was immediately approached by a young cat, no more than a kitten really, she offered me dirty evil things I had never even heard of and all for the price of a pot noodle."

Father en el Gato was so shocked by his first encounter with the sexually available street cats that he decided there and then to devote his life to helping save "Los gatos perdidas"
"I would go out every night and just talk to some of these cats. I felt if I was to really help them I had to gain their trust and show them I was not there to use and abuse them like most people were. Some of the stories I heard were very shocking to a young priest fresh out of the seminary school, I remember one young cat, she had been on the streets since she fled from terrible abuse at home and had turned to offering "water sports" to drunken punters in an effort to feed her massive catnip habit. She is dead now of course, her bladder just gave in, they don't last long on the streets."

The Colombian Government has virtually ignored the problem and as a consequence Father en el Gato says the problem has become chronic "We need outside help, if we can turn just one of these poor wretches into a decent law abiding house cat then it is a good thing in the eyes of our lord, tell your readers we need help senor!"

Following Father en el Gato's desperate plea we here at News direct have decided to launch our "Save some street pussy" campaign to try to raise funds, so Father en el Gato can continue his much needed work among Columbia's forgotten cats.
If you feel you'd like to help please send any available money you have to us here at News direct and we will happily add it to our appeal total.

Because as Father en el Gato said to me "Imagine if that was your pussy trying to survive out there, wouldn't you want someone to help?"

Thursday, 17 May 2007

Nintendo launch the pocket monkey

Tokyo- From Rubik's cube to the annoying Tamagotchi the whole world loves a craze.
The newest sensation to hit the streets of Japan and very soon the whole world is Nintendo's Pocket monkey.
These genetically engineered simians are set to take the world by storm in what retail experts have predicted will be a billion dollar sales bonanza.

The pocket monkeys are due to hit UK shops in late November just in time to be the must have toy this Christmas.
Pre-orders for tiny ape have already hit the million mark and has led to some desperate parents resorting to buying week old Gorillas for their kids and hoping for the best.

Mifune Takashi, creator of the pocket monkey, has predicted that within the next two years every child in the world will have their very own pocket monkey.
What Nintendo have failed to tell the world is that as well as genetically engineering the apes to be tiny, they have also engineered them to live no longer than six months.

The craze has already seen some negative aspects in Japan such as children being beaten and mugged on the streets for their new pocket monkeys.
In one famous case a man from Kyoto walked into his local hospital and told doctors that he had "accidentally" sat on his new pocket monkey and would be grateful if they could remove it from his anal canal.

Nintendo already foreseeing the end of the pocket monkey craze are said to be consumer testing their next primate based toy the "Ape in a cape" which the company hopes will replace the pocket monkey fad and be the must have toy for Christmas 2008.

Tuesday, 15 May 2007

God to disband Christianity

New york- At a hastily arranged press conference this morning in the Plaza hotel's grand ballroom a "tired and emotional" Jehovah declared to waiting reporters that as from next week, the world's Christians were no longer welcome within his houses of worship and that hence forth all Christian worship of him or mention of his name would be treated as copyright infringement and trade mark violation.

An obviously emotional supreme being confessed that he had spent many sleepless eternities debating his decision to ban the still growing messiah cult and said he hoped "people would understand"
When asked what had led him to take such drastic steps he declared "After many, many, many hours of soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I cannot continue to allow such odious intolerant hypocritical mortals to continue to use my name to justify countless acts of intolerance, hatred and in some extreme cases genocide."

When it was pointed out that he himself had at one time encouraged his "chosen people" to commit acts such as genocide in his best selling account of the Jews, known as the Bible.
He looked exasperated and quietly confessed that he "had changed a lot since then, and everyone does things they think are right in their younger days, only to look back with regrets and a determination not to repeat the same mistakes."

When asked whether his basic language of symbolism had been grossly misrepresented by corrupt officials and uneducated blind believers, he could only nod quietly and declare that he would take no more questions.
What effect this will have on the world's estimated two billion Christians is still unclear and with no word yet from the Vatican, believers worldwide are waiting anxiously to see which way this story will swing.

Most Christians this reporter has spoken to about the shock announcement have declared God's decision unconstitutional and have vowed to fight any ban in the highest court in the land.
Hubert P Lovebody, a born again evangelical from Sodom, Georgia, told me "I don't care if he does ban me! I will still worship him, it's gone beyond simple deity worship now, and too many people have a lot of money and votes invested in this thing just to let him ban us."

So it seems the Almighty one will have quite a fight on his hands if he is to carry out his threat to ban the people he has often referred to in the past as "cross junkies" from entering his churches and worshipping him against his divine will.

BP denies Baku sex and corruption

London- Officials from BP have moved quickly to deny claims by Les Abrahams, the former head of the company's eastern European division, that he was encouraged to spend over forty five million dollars of company funds on lavish sex and drugs parties in order to win lucrative contracts in the former Soviet republic of Azerbaijan.

Mr Abrahams, now no longer working for the company, claims he was given the green light by disgraced homo chief executive Lord Browne to "Do what ever was necessary to gain the contracts."
Armed with a no limits company credit card Mr Abrahams flew to the Azerbaijani capital of Baku and began his amazing mission to corrupt officials from the newly installed BP sanctioned government of President Haydar Aliyev.

Mr Abrahams began his mission by rounding up 200 of the city's best looking women and booking a local holiday resort as a venue for the Roman style orgy he planned.
Officials soon began arriving and were greeted by baby oiled hostess's sporting only a BP tattoo on the cheek of each buttock and a smile.
From these modest beginnings grew a tale of corruption hitherto only achieved by the infamous Halliburton corporation and the court of Caligula.

Mr Abrahams soon realised these "normal" orgies were okay for the underlings of the state oil company but to get to the big players he needed to pull out all the stops and began shipping in not only hundreds of kilos of pure cocaine from BP's South American operations, but also young female panda's from Shanghai's seedy sexual underworld.
Top government officials were then said to have been entertained by the young bamboo bears at all night sex and cocaine parties.

Amazing as these tales are they are nothing to the realisation that not only were Tony Blair's government aware of what was going on, but that they actively encouraged these practices and were deeply involved in supplying arms for Aliyev's BP coup through the ever patriotic MI6.
Levels of corruption were said to be so bad within the company that they even consented to supplying the president's son with a brand new anteater dressed as an ageing Elvis Presley, which he then used to entertain foreign dignitaries.

Company denials of the allegations are made some what ridiculous by the British governments immediate placement of a D notice on the story banning all UK media from reporting on their dirty little secrets.
So in the spirit and tradition of the free press we here at News direct have decided to print the story and to say to Mr Blair "Fuck you and good riddance!"

Friday, 11 May 2007

Blair's first steps on the road to Baghdad and infamy

Sedgefield- Before the emergence of the CIA/MI5 project known to the world by the soap powder epithet of "New Labour" the tiny ex mining community of Sedgefield was just another small town in the north of England struggling to come to terms with the devastating effects of the free market lunacy we now call Thatcherism.
But Sedgefield's quiet northern dignity was soon to be shattered with the sudden appearance, in 1983, of a young rock and roll rebel named Anthony Charles Linton Blair.

The young socialist guitar playing stranger was said to have walked into the local Trimbdon Labour club, took out his battered old Stratocaster and then played an Hendrix style version of "The Internationale" before declaring to stunned pensioners "Yeah, It would be kinda groovy, if I could like represent you cats in that Westminster head space."

This is just one of the many early Blair stories, so News direct decided to go back to Sedgefield and talk to some of the people who knew the tearaway rebel MP in his earliest days and to find out how a wannabe pop star became the infamous "Bambi of Baghdad"

In the quiet settings of the Trimbdon Labour club's Kon tiki room over pints of warm ale and pork scratchings Eric Shipthorpe 61, told me of the first time he set eyes on the future lap dog of American imperialism "I was at the bar one day reading the socialist worker and having a pint like, and in walks this barefoot flare wearing freak and says to me he is our new MP. I was about to hoy him though the door, but then he said 'I know your pain brother' and I looked slowly up into his mad right eye and have followed him blindly ever since."

Stories of this kind are common in Sedgefield and will be familiar to thousands of bemused voters throughout the country who have looked into that famous mad right eye and suddenly had the urge to speak in an American accent, sell off all their national assets and murder their brown neighbours.
Mrs Hilda Grim, a cleaner at the local shoelace factory, told me "Before he came here I got on quite well with my neighbours, the Khans, but he told me they were trying to change my way of life and make me give up bacon. He said I should paint "Pakis out!" on their windows, So I did!
They then put me in jail for six months for what the judge called "A sustained campaign of hatred and violence utilising dog shit and threats"

Listening to the bewildered folk of Sedgefield trying to rationalise their manic behaviour and blind obedience to a man well known for his Pol Pot smiles and psychopathic rages reminds one of the shell shocked post war German who said "We just looked at his moustache and hoped for the best"

Thursday, 10 May 2007

Pentagon calls up the Giraffes

Washington D.C- In another sign that Washington's war on terror isn't going quite as planned, the pentagon has been forced to call up 250 reserve giraffes normally based in sleepy Savannah, Georgia.

The giraffes will be sent to Iraq within the month and are expected to be used for reconnaissance and intelligence gathering within the Iraqi capital.
General Leigh Van Camp of the pentagon's specialist warfare division announced the planned deployment to reporters earlier today by saying "I would like to announce to you good folks here today that Savannah Georgia's world Famous fighting G squad will be deploying within the next few weeks to the fine city of Baghdad to assist our freedom loving troops in the fierce urban combat they are currently engaged in around the liberated city."

The call up of the 250 giraffes is seen in some quarters a desperate measure but this idea was strongly rejected by General Van Camp who insisted that it had always in the Pentagons plans to send the army's tallest warriors to Iraq at some point during the current turmoil.

The army are believed to use the giraffes as forward observers and as an integral part of the Pentagons "shock and awe" tactics.
As General Van Camp later stated the giraffes have the ability to see over high fences and most large buildings into the nearby streets giving US troops a crucial advantage against the freedom hating insurgents plaguing the liberated streets of Baghdad.

Giraffes have a long and glorious history in the United states army and were first used in the second world war during the famous Normandy landings.
The giraffes were used to attack the built up German positions by using their extraordinarily long tongues to place explosive charges into the narrow gun slots of the Nazi bunkers.
This tactic proved spectacularly effective and was said to have saved many lives in the bitter quest for European freedom.

It remains to be seen if this latest pentagon gamble will pay off or be yet another tragic mistake to add to the list of things entitled "How not to win friends and influence people"

The Pope arrives in Brazil

Sao Paulo- His holiness Pope Benedict XVI today arrived in Brazil to begin his Five day tour of the worlds most populous Catholic nation and declared "I wish to be left alone, this is a holiday trip for me and not a business trip."

The pope looking tanned and relaxed was whisked through airport security by team of burly minders and in to a waiting pope mobile.
His Holiness is believed to have told Government officials that he doesn't want any fuss made and they should treat him like any other tourist.

The huge crowds that turned out to greet the Nazi pope were to be left disappointed as he was whisked away from the airport immediately and did not engage in his usual meet the believers walkabout.
One woman who had walked all the way from Rio holding a box containing a three month old fetus was in tears at his rapid departure and brusque attitude.
When asked why she had brought the fetus to see the pope she said "I wanted to show him I fully support his brave stance on abortion and have had one recently in accordance with his wishes."
When it was pointed out that the pope is believed to be against abortion she shrugged and replied "Well I'm not Catholic anyway."

Pope Benedict is believed to be staying in Brazil for five days before flying on to Florida to do some cheap shopping and visit the areas many theme parks. After this he will then fly home to his small bachelor apartment in central Rome and resume his role as spiritual father to the world's one billion catholics.

Beckham shows the world his latest tattoo

New York- At a lively press conference in New York's trendy Soho district earlier today, a proud David Beckham showed the world his latest piece of skin art.
David, 48, has been secretly visiting Manny Palladino's New York tattoo parlour for the past three months after meeting the avant garde tattooist at a Manhattan party.

Mr Palladino proudly unveiled his latest master piece to an adoring press pack and declared it as his finest work to date.
Beckham looked slightly shocked at seeing the work for the first time and was heard to whisper to Palladino "Is them fish puffs Manny?"

When asked to explain the work Mr Palladino explained that he never explains his art and any explanation must come directly from the "canvas" as a tattoo is a very personal thing and can only be fully explained by whoever wears it.
An obviously confused Beckham straining to see all Palladino's work in the full length shop mirror said "Well I think its about that little mermaid film innit? I think the kids should like it, they love that film. I don't know why there are two German soldiers spitting at each other though, must be symbolic or something."

Mr Beckham went on to say he wanted to get the new tattoo in celebration of his move to L.A galaxy and also to show the sceptical American public that soccer was not a game for teenage girls and effeminate young boys, but a hard and brutal man's game .
He went on to say that he thought when his new team mates saw his new tattoo they would know he meant business and was not just there to pick up his massive wage packet.

Both Beckham and Palladino refused to comment when asked what the art work had cost and when pushed by curious journalists Palladino would only say "You cant put a price on something like that, just the look on Davids face was enough for me."

Sunday, 6 May 2007

Sarkozy claims his bitch

Paris- The streets of Paris were eerily quiet this morning as news of the election victory of Nicholas "Le prince of darkness" Sarkozy was announced to a stunned and fearful population.

The normal hustle and bustle of one of the world's most cosmopolitan capitals has been replaced by shuttered up shops and the hideous realisation that the nation is now ruled over by a Neo con neophyte who has promised to make his idol Baroness Thatcher look like "A playful right wing kitten"

Mr Sarkozy, speaking from a secret lair deep beneath the labyrinthine streets of Paris, moved quickly to dispel the population's unwarranted fears and declared "Although I am now your dark overlord and as such demand the total cooperation of all people in my dark schemes, you should not fear me, fear only my vengeful wrath."

President Sarkozy's election defeat of the dour socialist housewife Segolene Royal was strangely enough forecast over four centuries ago by the famous seer and prophet Nostradamus who said in the thirty third quatrain of his master work "Things that will happen (probably)"

In the year of seven and two thousand the beast shall defeat the maid,
and all of France will tremble and fear be shared
before the power of the man they call "La tete de merde"

President Sarkozy's first big political test is set to come in July with the elections for the national assembly. Plans have already been put in place to begin rounding up political opponents in mid June to spare the President and his minions the arduous task of fixing yet another election.
Yves choix de satans, the presidents newly appointed world bank advisor has already stated that the new administration expects their own 911 event quite soon to give the new president the pretext he needs to enact the country's new security laws and bring them into line with the other nations already mired in the darkness of Neo con rule.