Sunday, 29 April 2007

SAS move in to clear way for Harry

London- The ministry of defence declared earlier today that Britain's favourite Nazi prince will definitely be serving with his regiment, the Blues and royals, in the British section of the quagmire known as Iraq.

Prince Harry Von Windsor, son of the late princess Diana and her ginger riding instructor Major James "big one for the ladies" Hewitt, has recently declared he would immediately quit the army if not allowed to participate in the wholesale massacre of brown people currently taking place within Iraq.

Whitehall officials have been feverishly working on the problem since Prince Harry declared to the press "One can't wait to get over there and shoot a few sand niggers."
The preferred option would have been to place Harry in a heavily fortified camp and use available British forces to surround and protect the "Rourke's drift" type compound from the inevitable 24/7 attacks this would engender.

Prince Harry was said to have been furious when he heard of the "Rourke's drift" plan and allegedly stormed into the Prime ministers office and threatened to reveal details of his families notorious war time Nazi connections unless he was allowed to "Torture some wogs with the rest of the chaps"
Having forced the Prime ministers hand operation "Royal visit" was quickly formulated, the early stages of which are now under way in the British Basra section of the ongoing turmoil.

Operation "Royal visit" calls for six four man SAS teams to clear an area of Basra a mile square and, after mining the perimeter, set up round the clock surveillance of the area while teams of Royal engineers construct a small palace in preparation for the princes arrival.
After the "Hero" Prince arrives it will be the SAS's job to ensure that Harry fulfills his ambition of "Killing at least three darkies" and making sure the prince is not captured or shot by terrified Americans.

Three Hercules Transport planes have already arrived in Basra filled with some of the Prince's essential kit including such necessities as, 1000 crates of Bollinger, 2 cases of Beluga, 3 cases of Foie gras, an Xbox 360, 2 polo ponies, and a vast DVD collection.
The ministry of defence have declared themselves to be "delighted" that His royal highness has decided to join the oilacaust and have promised that Field marshal Harry Von Windsor will be treated like any normal soldier.

Troops already serving out in Iraq have been clamouring to serve alongside the Prince as its seen as the best way to get home intact and without the aid of a body bag.
One soldier just back from the carnage told me "We are right proud that the prince would even consider coming out there and giving us a hand, I'm sure with a bit of Royal input we will be able to sort the situation out within a few weeks. God bless him!"

Friday, 27 April 2007

Hugh Grant: Baked bean terror!

London-The gullible herds of fat American tourists that clog Londons ancient arteries found themselves gawping in wonder yesterday, not at the capitals stunning architecture or indeed the ragged armies of the homeless, but instead at the sight of quintessential English gentleman and Cary Grant impersonator Mr Hugh grant beating a hapless photographer to within an inch of his life with a cheap tin of baked beans.

Grant,62, is said to have stumbled out of a nearby all night supermarket/bar in London's fashionable West end and immediately began to harangue an innocent pack of paparazzi.
Ralph Mcfilthy, one of the innocent photographers, witnessed the unprovoked attack and said "I was shocked, I have been a big fan of Hugh's and used to marvel at his seemingly innate ability to play slightly bemused upper class Englishmen, but what I witnessed here has made me think twice about enjoying his bumbling stuttering performances in the future."
Mr Grant is said to have lunged at the nearest photographer with the unopened tin of beans and proceeded to beat him upon the temple while screaming "Whats the frequency Kenneth!!!"
Shocked bystanders then tried to pull the glassy eyed star off his sobbing victim which then led to Mr Grant biting and scratching up to four more people in the incident some are now calling "Bean gate"

Mr Grant was eventually hustled by a team of passing minders into a blacked out Lexus and driven to an unknown location, believed to be somewhere in the home counties.
Whether the hugely popular actor can bounce back from this latest shocking episode still remains to be seen.
Misty Fortuna, one of London's top PR people told me by telephone this morning that "It's going to be very difficult to spin this one, I mean it's all very well picking up a syphilitic black whore on Hollywood boulevard, but this is England for Christs sake."

The early word emanating from Tinseltown is that the producers of Grant's latest film, the delightfully titled romantic comedy "Oh excuse me, I'm English!" are very nervous of releasing the film while Grants reputation still lies bleeding in a London gutter.
So it seems film fans may have to wait just a while longer to see the consummate professionals latest in depth characterisation.

Thursday, 26 April 2007

"Pervy" Howard's reign of terror ends

Reading-For over thirty years the small and insignificant hamlet of Reading has endured what one resident has called "a sustained sexual terror campaign" from one of its most upstanding citizens.

Local Pharmacist and ex Mayor Howard De la zouche has run the local chemist on Reading high street for as long as anyone can remember and during his tenure there he has subjected staff and customers to daily barrages of crude sexual innuendo and countless "accidental" touches.
Police finally swooped early this morning in a dawn raid on Mr De la zouche's small semi in nearby Slough.

Officers from the force's newly formed anti perv squad were said to shocked at the conditions they found upon entering Mr De la zouche's depraved lair.
One officer told me "It was horrendous, I've been a pig for over twenty years and I have never seen anything like it. The house had an over powering smell of ammonia and when we entered his bedroom we found it to be filled with countless bottles of stale urine and pictures of a young Mr De la zouche covering every wall."
Police are also said to have found countless rubber penis's and sticky copies of illegal Chinese panda porn magazines littering the floors of not only his bedroom, but also every room in the house.

Staff at Mr De la zouche's chemist shop have so far refused to comment on his arrest, but one female shopper on Reading's high street told this reporter "It's about time really, I had to use his shop as I have an untreatable form of thrush. Every time I went in he would rush from behind the counter and stand uncomfortably close to me and say things like 'I've got some cream for you' while leering suggestively at me."

Police are said to be considering charging "Pervy" Howard under the governments new anti perv laws which have only just come into force. The new laws make any unwarranted sexual innuendo or double entendre liable to a minimum prison sentence of four years and for the offender to be placed on the new perv offenders register.

Reading's long suffering residents are now breathing a sigh of relief that "Pervy" Howard is safely locked in police custody and they are again able to buy medicines without a familar hand on the buttock and the sly voice whispering "I know What you've got, you slag"

Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Fat Boris drinks himself to death

Moscow-In glitzy bars all over Moscow members of Russia's noveau riche are raising their glasses in tribute to the man they owe their stolen wealth to, the ex President and sometime karaoke star Boris Yeltsin.

Drunken Boris started his meteoric rise to the presidency after joining the communist party in 1961 and steadily drinking his way up the hierarchy until eventually reaching the office of mayor of Moscow in 1985.

It was during his period as Mayor that his gargantuan appetite for vodka was first noticed and residents of Moscow became used to seeing their "Hard working" Mayor passed out in Red square clutching an empty vodka bottle and reeking of stale urine.

Yeltsin's Performance as Mayor didn't go unnoticed within the walls of the Kremlin and he was soon demoted from the post and this demotion many say was the making of Yeltsin the statesman. After a particularly hard nights drinking in red square Yeltsin decided to attack the slow pace of Gorbechev's Glasnost reforms and the fact that the state had assigned 12 pink elephants to shadow his every move.

In 1990 a resurgent Yeltsin won a seat on the supreme soviet and between drinking bouts planned his next step to ultimate power, this came in the 1991 presidential elections where he somehow managed to beat Gorbachev's preferred candidate.
A month after Yeltsin took office aides had to trawl the Moscow gutters to find the president and inform him there had been a hard line Stalinist coup, Yeltsin was said to have replied"Like a virgin kissed for the very first time...I love you..hey lets go clubbing...get off!!!!"
Presidential aides quickly dressed him and rushed him to the Russian Parliament propped him up on a tank and delivered the piss stained peasant his place in history.

After Gorbachev's eventual resignation a delighted Boris moved him self into the Kremlin and
after quickly selling the Russian people to the vultures of international capital he embarked on his most ambitious drinking bout ever.
Yeltsin was no fool and quickly realised that the time he took raising a bottle to his bloated face was time wasted so he commisioned Russia's top scientific minds develop a "Vodka bag" modeled on the popular colostomy bag system, which enabled him to have vodka constantly circulating through his system.

Yeltsin's economic reforms soon became unpopular when the starving people realised "privatisation" actually meant giving every thing you own to gangsters and bankers.
This wave of privatisation saw the emergence of the "Oligarchs" Russia's answer to the Murdochs, Trumps and Lettermans of the west.
It was round this time that Yeltsin began to weary of the strains of office and decided to take his drinking international. This of course led to Yeltsin becoming one of the worlds most popular comedians and everywhere he went masses of people would turn up just to hear him slur.

Sadly Yeltsin's time on the international comedy circuit was drawing to a close and after naming a young 17 year old Vladimir Putin as his successor the great man slipped quietly off into retirement. In retirement he found more time to pursue his hobbies and eventually had a "whisky bag" fitted to complement the lonely "vodka bag" strapped to his side.
Mr Yeltsin could often been seen staggering through Moscow's parks shouting at pigeons and declaring to passers by that he had once fucked Hilary Clinton.

President Putin has declared that Yeltsin will be placed in Lenin's old tomb in Red square so that future generations may gaze in wonder upon the bloated corpse the world once knew as President Boris Yeltsin.

Saturday, 14 April 2007

Madonna to adopt Africa

London- The world can finally emit a long craved for sigh of relief as it seems the days of Madonna's lesbian romping and bad pop are finally over.
The one time queen of the charts announced to the press on Friday that she would no longer be making mid paced bubble gum pop and dressing like a Amsterdam whore, but would instead devote her time and considerable energies to caring for the African people.

Madonna, sitting beside her pet film director, told members of the media that her Kabbalah god "Jahweh" had told her in a dream that her mission was to save the dark continent from its self by becoming mother to the poor confused savages that dwell there.

When the former queen of pop was asked how she intended to clothe and feed her new "children" she looked slowly heaven ward and said "He who is everything yet nothing will provide for our children, for did not the holy mooses feed the Israelites in the desert?
When it was pointed out by members of the press corp that this new scheme had all the hallmarks of another bad publicity stunt Lady Madge poked her Mockney husband in the ribs and he began to threaten reporters in rhyming slang, saying to one obviously terrified young hack that he would "Snap his Gregory peck with his indie bands, if I hear any more stinky piss Tolkien from your throbbing knob gobbler."

The majority of the assembled press adopted their usual attitude to Mr Madonna, they completely ignored him and continued to pepper his saintly wife with questions.
When asked why she thought God had chosen her to save Africa the holy one thought for a moment then said "I've always had lots of black friends and he probably knows that right? he knows everything right? So he like, probably picked me cos of that."

Whether Africa will welcome this latest PR scheme is still open to debate. After the press conference I grabbed one black man outside Camden tube station and asked him if he was happy to be adopted by the slut turned saint, he said "what are you talking about mate I'm not fucking African, I'm from Putney, get your fucking hands off me!"

So it seems that although Madonna has been given an initial green light by her god for this new venture it looks as if not all of Africa's savages will be totally compliant and judging by the reaction I got from them, she will need her God and her aristocratic gangster husband to be on top form.

Monday, 9 April 2007

US envoy arrives in Pyongyang

Pyongyang- A five man team of US negotiators arrived in the North Korean capital late last night in the hopes of persuading Kim Jong Il into trilateral talks with Washington and Beijing about North Korea's nuclear ambitions.

The American delegation were greeted at the airport by thousands of schoolchildren dressed as Iraqi insurgents, chanting in broken English "Imperialist American running dogs go home you are not welcome here in the glorious soviet socialist paradise created here on earth by our dear father and protector the majestic Kim Jong Il."

The American team were rushed through the jeering crowd by their huge security team and driven at high speed in 16 black Humvee's to their hotel in the centre of Pyongyang.

The American delegation are due to meet senior North Korean officials sometime next week and have been told by Washington to offer the Koreans "anything within reason" to try to persuade their reluctant hosts into talks.
Rumours abound within Pyongyang's diplomatic circles that the North Koreans will play hardball with the Americans and have already prepared a list of demands for the American team.

The list prepared by members of the North Korean Politburo is said to include a full apology for the Korean war with reparations, the restoral of diplomatic ties to Washington, a state visit by Prince Edward and an initial agreement to build a Disneyland Pyongyang.

The last two requests are believed to be personally sought by President Kim Jong Il as he believes having Prince Edward visit the country would add glamour and prestige to the much misunderstood nation. As for the building of Disneyland Pyongyang its thought the North Koreans are trying to boost their flagging tourism trade. Their homegrown theme park, Glorious revolution of the steadfast Korean peoples land, has so far failed to bring in the hordes of rich western tourists the government hoped it would.

The American team are said to be reluctant to acquiesce to all the Korean demands but are willing to consider the prince Edward option on condition Pyongyang agrees to immediately halt its ongoing nuclear program and consents to the trilateral talks they are demanding.

Whether the Koreans will accept this and give up the dream of Disneyland Pyongyang is still unknown as it's believed the president is a great admirer of Disney for their even handed treatment of dwarfs and their love of giant mice.

Saturday, 7 April 2007

Thatcher talks!

London- In an exclusive interview with News direct Britain's finest post war Prime minister Baroness Margaret Thatcher talked candidly about her feelings on the Iraq war and, controversially, the performance of the current occupant of number ten.

The baroness received me cordially into the darkened office of her smart London townhouse and, after offering tea, began to hold forth on world affairs and their obvious mishandling by what the Baroness termed "Twats"
"I had such great hopes for Tony." she said "But he has made such a big mess of everything. I told him subdue your own peasants first, show them who is boss, then you can go bomb a few wogs! But would he listen?"
The Baroness smoothed the papery skin on her frail claw like hand and continued "I would have handled little Georgie much differently he would have been a good boy like uncle Ronnie was or he would have felt the edge of my tongue."
The baroness's eyes seemed to regain some of their old fire as she talked of disciplining the president and one could almost sense some of the old fear she regularly instilled into her vapid cabinet of yes men.

During the Baroness's term of office she was lauded the world over for her fearless crushing of the British unions and the subsequent poverty and misery her careful stewardship of the nation created.
Talking of her achievements the Baroness modestly declared her self to be one of the giants of twentieth century politics and fit only to be compared to the other giants of the century, namely Mao, Stalin and the former leader of Germany Mr Adolf Hitler.
"The trouble with those three is they were not hard enough on the plebs, of course they killed millions, but I always felt it's better to crush a persons hopes and dreams, kill their soul thats the real test of a leader, you need them ground to dust under your heel and then when they are compliant you can work them as hard and for as long as you like."

The Baroness then with a wave of her withered hand indicated the interview was over and two of her hired goons graciously escorted me to the front door and threw me onto the pavement outside the Baroness's lovely home.
Spending time with the Iron lady reminded me of her glory days, a time when Britons were proud to be steadfastly right wing free market bigots and not the bleating set of anti war, anti corporate sheep the current occupant of number ten has seen fit to mould as his legacy.

Friday, 6 April 2007

Iran frees British sailor

Tehran- Herbert Gumthorpe has been a sailing enthusiast for most of his adult life, but his recent detention by Iran's revolutionary guard is making him rethink his innocent hobby.

Mr Gumthorpe a retired accountant from Telford fell into the hands of the Iranians late last week after being blown off course on what was supposed to be a day trip round the Isle of Wight.
Mr Gumthorpe having lost all radio contact and navigation equipment failed to realise he had strayed into Iranian waters until his twenty foot pleasure craft "The Tiddler" was stopped and boarded by over thirty swarthy men in full combat apparel.

Speaking to me yesterday afternoon from his bungalow in Telford Mr Gumthorpe said "I'm an experienced sailor and have seen the sea in all its moods from playful kitten to foul temptress of the deep, but this Iranian thing has really made me rethink my hobby."
When asked how he ended up so far off course Mr Gumthorpe said "Well any sailor will tell you the currents off the Isle of Wight are some of the strongest in the world and I only realised I was so far off course when the weather changed to a steady 104 degrees in the shade, and I thought to my self, that's not normal for the south coast in April."

The Iranians for their part are said to be extremely embarrassed by the incident but have stated that it is not the first time westerners have ventured into their territorial waters looking for a causus belli.
The Iranian foreign minister has formally apologised to Mr Gumthorpe for the full cavity search and electrical interrogation he endured and has extended an invitation for him to visit Tehran as a guest of the Iranian people.

Mr Gumthorpe told me "If they think I'm ever going back there they are sadly mistaken! One of the blighters put his finger in me, said he was looking for radio transmitters, I said, I don't know where you keep yours matey, but I certainly don't keep mine up there!"

What effect this latest clash between Iran and the west will have on the deteriorating political situation is unclear but some in Westminster and Washington are already citing the "Gumthorpe incident" as evidence of Tehran's lust for war against the peace loving English speaking peoples of the world.

Monday, 2 April 2007

J.M.W Turner pioneer of ape art

London- A small terraced house in a run down corner of the nation's grand capital is the last place one might expect to find the startling new evidence that has shaken the world's art markets and cast a cloud of doubt upon one of the most celebrated of British artists.

But it is from this small house in quiet Mafeking gardens that Mr Frank Titchmarsh first revealed the existence of what are rapidly becoming known as the "Turner diaries".
Mr Titchmarsh, an avid collector of all things Turner, told me of how he first discovered the bundles of handwritten pages in a Charing cross Oxfam " I was just casually looking through the fifty pence or less box when I saw them and immediately recognised the spidery hand writing as the Maestro's. I very calmly paid the old lady behind the counter her fifty pence and then ran all the way home; I was so excited."
Now this discovery in of its self would be a startling find and guaranteed to hit the front pages of every major news paper in the world, but what makes this discovery so earth shattering is the detailed description of Turner's hitherto unknown working methods.
The documents reveal that Turner, lacking inspiration after his first major exhibition, began to secretly recruit a team of young chimpanzees with the idea of training them in the correct use of light and shade and then exhibiting the simian creations as his own work.

Turner installed the six apes, he had gathered together, in the vast attic space of his london home and began the exhausting task of training the primates.
Their early attempts were by all accounts crude daubs and an exasperated Turner considered giving up the whole plan as a bad idea until one day in early june 1796 one of his art apes finally produced something Turner was glad to sign and claim as his own, a study in oils he titled "Fishermen at sea"
The painting went on to be exhibited to great success at the Royal Academy and put the seal on Turners reputation as the hot young turk of the British art scene.
Turner continued to use the chimps to produce most of his work from that point onwards and declared to friends that working in this way gave him the freedom he craved and left him more time to indulge in his hobby of rampant pedophilia.
The apes though worked hard, were greatly loved by Turner and one chimp named "Dr Snuggles" became such a great friend and companion that it was not unusual to see the two riding through the London streets in an open carriage laughing manically and waving at passers by.

What effect these latest discoveries will have on the price of Turner's work is still unclear but one expert from Sothebys told me "It shouldn't affect prices too much at all, if anything it will boost them because it shows Turner as the true pioneer he was."
As for Mr Titchmarsh's documents museums around the world are said to be engaging in a fierce bidding war to become the new owners of a small piece of art history.

Sunday, 1 April 2007

Notorious Nazi war criminal spotted in Brazil?

Sao paulo- From the beaches of Rio De Janeiro to the depths of the impenetrable Amazon basin the whole of Brazil, and indeed South America, seems to be talking about the latest unconfirmed sightings of the infamous Nazi war criminal Dr Ernst Shitclitz.

Dr Shitclitz, now believed to be in his nineties, was apparently spotted by an undercover team of Mossad agents in the small provincial town of Vasco De Gama, in north eastern Brazil, late thursday night.
Dr Shitclitz, Father of Hitler's war time ladyboy plan and founder of Argentina's post war network of secret bitch camps, was reportedly looking in good health and was said to be chatting amiably to regulars in a small German bar frequented by ex pats known as "Die Berchtesgaden bier kellar"

The secret Israeli team tracking Shitclitz believed they had found their man and were about to make an arrest, when a friend of the "fugitive" spotted the ornate Yarmulke sported by one of the undercover team and alerted Nazi Germany's most fiendish genius to their presence.

In the confusion and turmoil that followed the man believed to be Dr Ernst Shitclitz grabbed his nearby zimmer frame and slipped quickly out the back door of the bar.
Locals in the small close knit community are reluctant to talk about the man they have come to know as "Dr Joao Puta" and all requests for interviews by the press have been refused.

One local man who only would talk under the condition of anonymity told me "Dr Puta has lived here for a long time probably since the late sixties. He is a well respected doctor and was well known for giving free treatment to the poor. There are many shemales here in town who could never have afforded the price of breasts, but he treated all who came to him, thats why I cant believe such a good man is this war criminal you speak of."
The Israeli's certainly believe they have the right man and have already applied to the Brazilian government for an extradition order in the name of Dr Joao Puta.

Many in Vasco De Gama still refuse to believe that the saintly Dr Joao Puta is the infamous Nazi doctor and claim his Teutonic sounding accent is simply a terrible speech impediment he acquired as a younger man while saving kittens from a local river for a group of handicapped children.
So until the saintly Dr Puta is found and possibly tried the world will still have to wait to learn just what did become of the mysterious Dr Ernst Shitclitz.