Vatican to open luxury brothels

Rome - Astonishing news from Vatican city today, as Monsignor Alphonse Di Vachi, head of a papal commission, looking into ways for the Vatican to maximise falling profits, startled believers and atheists alike when he announced that his new report would urge the holy father pope Benedict, to consider opening a sting of worldwide luxury brothels.

The Monsignor justified the findings of his thirty strong commission of cardinals by saying, "The initial remit the holy father gave us was to think outside the box, and really tackle the crippling financial problems the church has been having of late and after looking into the various ways we could achieve this, we eventually came to the conclusion that brothels was the best solution available to us at this present time."

Monsignor Di Vachi went on to say that the new "Temples of relaxation." wouldn't be the sleazy knocking shops familiar to most punters but would instead be "paragons of good taste and genteel refinement".

When questioned on the obvious expense of the commision's new plan, the Monsignor stated, "Well that's the beauty of the whole plan really, we already have convents full of virgins sitting around doing nothing, it will be these sisters of Christ, who will be encouraged to open up the convent doors to gentlemen believers."

Monsignor Di Vachi also stated that the new "Temples of relaxation" would of course only be open to card carrying members of the catholic church.
He went on to clarify this point by saying, "of course, if a catholic member wanted to bring a non catholic friend, say a Jew or a Hindu, he would be able to sign him in just the once and then if the friend would like further visits he would obviously have to join the church."

It has been a well attested fact that the catholic church has lost a lot of money recently due to a combination of bad investments and falling numbers of believers and it looks as though the catholic church has finally decided to modernize its archaic institutions and perhaps, just perhaps, add a bit little glamour to a fading super power.