Beckham to head new F.A shirt sales drive

London- There were scenes of total panic in the football associations Soho square headquarters this week as monthly shirt sales reports showed a massive down turn since every ones favourite show pony was dropped from the F.A's regular ninety minute televised adverts.

Soho square mandarins were said to be so alarmed by the drop in profits that a courier was immediately dispatched to Madrid to try to persuade David Beckham to participate in England's next scheduled shirt sales drive, against the best selling yellow shirts of Brazil.

Terry Finch of the Football association's maximise profits committee told me earlier today "Yes it's true that since the World cup sales have been down and our change of advertising direction does not seemed to have worked the way we hoped it would. Beckham was a brand people liked and I think we changed our strategy too soon by focusing our sales drive on younger unproved sales talent such as Aaron Lennon, Wright Phillips etc.
But we here at the F.A are not the type of people who can't admit to mistakes, that's why we have decided to feature Beckham in our next ninety minute special against Nike's best seller. It should be interesting to see who will come out on top of this eagerly awaited titanic struggle for global shirt supremacy."

Beckham was said to have been delighted to be asked to participate in the much anticipated sales extravaganza as he believes the world should have a chance to see his latest hair cut before he departs Europe for the unsophisticated North American sales division.
The Football association are taking a massive gamble by going back to the old "look it's Becks!" advertising strategy as qualification to next year's European sales championships is looking increasingly like a far fetched dream.
Indeed this new advertisement feature against Brazil may be the F.A's last attempt to see the type of sales one would expect from a blue chip brand in today's increasingly competitive global market.

Beckham shows the world his latest tattoo

New York- At a lively press conference in New York's trendy Soho district earlier today, a proud David Beckham showed the world his latest piece of skin art.
David, 48, has been secretly visiting Manny Palladino's New York tattoo parlour for the past three months after meeting the avant garde tattooist at a Manhattan party.

Mr Palladino proudly unveiled his latest master piece to an adoring press pack and declared it as his finest work to date.
Beckham looked slightly shocked at seeing the work for the first time and was heard to whisper to Palladino "Is them fish puffs Manny?"

When asked to explain the work Mr Palladino explained that he never explains his art and any explanation must come directly from the "canvas" as a tattoo is a very personal thing and can only be fully explained by whoever wears it.
An obviously confused Beckham straining to see all Palladino's work in the full length shop mirror said "Well I think its about that little mermaid film innit? I think the kids should like it, they love that film. I don't know why there are two German soldiers spitting at each other though, must be symbolic or something."

Mr Beckham went on to say he wanted to get the new tattoo in celebration of his move to L.A galaxy and also to show the sceptical American public that soccer was not a game for teenage girls and effeminate young boys, but a hard and brutal man's game .
He went on to say that he thought when his new team mates saw his new tattoo they would know he meant business and was not just there to pick up his massive wage packet.

Both Beckham and Palladino refused to comment when asked what the art work had cost and when pushed by curious journalists Palladino would only say "You cant put a price on something like that, just the look on Davids face was enough for me."

Beckham exclusive interview!!

Madrid- The La vómito del perro restaurant in the centre of Madrid is the kind of place that requires you to book six months in advance and be prepared to pay gracious homage to whatever the Chef deigns to put in front of you.

The exquisite glamour of the surroundings only added to my nervousness as I made my way carefully through the maze of empty tables towards the table of possibly the most famous man in the world.

The man known the world over as "Golden balls" stood as I took my seat and after thanking me for coming asked "You want summat to eat mate? They got some kinda pie on today some fink called piella. I fink its like a dago version of steak and kidney."

After declining the gracious offer of pie Beckham showed his obvious mastery of the the spanish language by shouting at the waiter "HE NO WANTEE ANY PIEIO UNDERSTANDIO PEDRO!!"
I complimented him on his linguistic skills and asked the former england failure how hard it had been for him to adapt to a new language and culture.

He switched effortlessly from the spanish he was using only moments before and said "When I first came here I couldnt speak a word mate; but the thing I most had trouble with was the bleeding grub, it's all that foreign muck, you cant get any of the Bernard Matthews range!! But I guess it's like cancer really, you get used to living with it."

When asked about the prospect of an England recall a mask of diplomacy clouds his face and he says "Obviously it's still my dream to pull on the two lions and do my best for the team; but thats up to that new ginger bloke now. If Mr Mcoist finks I'm playing well over here then I'm sure he will beg me to come back. He has rang me a few times over the last couple of weeks mostly just asking my advice on trousers and stuff; but also on his lovely attempt at hair."

Beckham seems a man at peace with the world and his lofty position within it. when asked about his forthcoming American adventure his face lights up as he declares "I can't wait obviously its gonna be another big challenge learning the lingo and that; but I've always wanted to play baseball and when the Harlem Globetrotters came in for me I knew it was the right choice for me."

When asked about his celebrity friendship with the hetrosexual religiously suspect movie star Tom Cruise; Beckham said "Tom is a very wise man probably the cleverest person I know. when I asked his advice on moving to that there America he said 'Change is like a new start and a new start is like a change'
At first I couldnt get my head around that cos I never carry change but then I got what he meant sometimes you need change for the phone and stuff or maybe for a parking meter."

With that pearl of Cruise wisdom David concluded the interview stood up and shook my hand before saying "I gotta go to that Bernie bows now and do some football for a bit.. take care."
As I watched cat skinned ponchoed megastar leave I could only gaze at his rapidly departing back and wonder what exciting new adventures lay ahead in the land of the used to be free for the man they call Golden balls.

Alex ferguson "I've been living a lie."

Manchester United's ruddy faced supremo, Sir Alex Ferguson today stunned journalists at United's famous Carrington training ground, by declaring to waiting reporters that he had a major announcement to make regarding his well documented Scottishness.

In a voice reminiscent of one you may hear in any Surrey village, the purple faced legend began by saying, "Now, listen here chaps, there's something I've been wanting to get off my chest for a devil of a long time now, as you may well be aware from the countless media interviews and endless angry tirades I've subjected you to over the years, that a prounounced Glaswegian brougue has been detectable, which may have led many in the media and indeed the country to the false assumption that I was, well, how can one put it, of the Scottish persuasion. So I eventually decided early last week after consulting with my family and closest friends, to come clean about this whole terrible misunderstanding and state categorically before you all here today that I am actually a proud Englishman."

These astounding revelations by the United manager drew audible gasps from the assembled hacks, who immediately began to pepper the "Scots" legend with questions.

Sir Alex refused to answer questions at that time and continued with his prepared statement. "Now chaps, I know this has come as quite surprise, and I do realise I've bowled you somewhat of a googly with this one, but you have to realise that as a young manager making one's way in the game, it was deemed necessary to have, what one may call an advantageous background and at that time, when one was taking his first footsteps upon the Whisky laden path to immortality and football greatness, one was heavily influenced by the Scottish masters, Shankly, Stein et al.

It was never my intention to keep up this appalling charade but things kind of snowballed and left me on quite a sticky wicket, I'm so terribly, terribly sorry."
With this Sir Alex was whisked away by United's PR and security people into a waiting vintage Rolls Royce and taken to unknown and undisclosed location, believed to be somewhere in the home counties.

After the shock news announcement the board of Manchester United PLC issued the following statement:

The board of Manchester United PLC is both shocked and saddened by the announcement made earlier today by it's manager, Sir Alex Ferguson. we would like to reiterate and reassure the fans of Manchester United PLC, that we knew nothing of the managers deception or indeed of his decision to come out of the closet, so to speak.
We would also like to assure fans that the board will investigate this matter and come to a quick and just resolution, not only for the club but also for Sir Alex and his family.
We are also keen to remind fans that the Manchester United super mega store's opening times will not affected by this current crisis and that the new Manchester United PLC home kit can still be bought for a fantastic introductory one off price of £65.oo.