Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Attention all readers! Attention all readers!

You can now buy the world's favourite news blog on Kindle!
So if you would like to wile away a dull commute with portable mirth pop along to Amazon and buy "The very, very,very,very best of news direct" for an extremely reasonable three dollars, that's right just three measly dollars will give you portable access to all your favourite news direct articles

Because if you don't we know where you live and some very large gentlemen won't be happy! You have been warned!

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

News direct meets the bloke who just knocked on our door

The more perceptive of our readers will have noticed that there has been something of hiatus recently upon the esteemed pages of the world's favourite blog.
This, of course, wasn't due to laziness or a "I can't really be arsed with it, the people who read it are all a set of inbred misfits with the IQ of retarded kittens." attitude.

No! On the contrary! We have been silenced by a vast media conspiracy intent on protecting those spoiled decadent Hollywood stars from the searching penetrations of News direct's spotlight of truth, otherwise known as News direct meets.

We searched in vain for an agent, a publicist, a studio tea boy! Anyone who would give us access to the Hollywood A list but it was all in vain for we learned from various unconfirmed possibly made up sources that News direct was now on some kind of Hollywood black list.
Of course we had no idea what a black list was at first and just assumed it meant we got the first go at interviewing Spike Lee, Denzil Washington, Don Cheadle etc.

But no! No! We are banned!
Yes my dear loyal simple 12 toed reader, the entertainment elite that rules over Hollywood has banned your beloved News direct from interviewing anyone of any importance within any field of entertainment which as I'm sure you are aware includes film, TV, music, and of course our old friend the comedy network, Fox news.

As I'm sure you can imagine when we first heard the news we were devastated and contemplated committing a mass suicide in protest at the cruel and unusual punishment inflicted upon us by "The man" but by God we are British! We didn't lay down and die when Herr Hitler was sending his doodlebugs across the channel twice a night, there's no last chopper out of Saigon for us boys!

We decided to fight back!

Obviously we can't bring you the top flight celebrity interviews we have spoiled you with in the past and to tell you the truth we were at a loss as to who to shine our spotlight of truth upon this week until providence came forth and rescued this news based damsel by delivering to our door
Mr Odibeiche Sunday.

News direct- Mr Sunday, thank you for agreeing to speak to us at such short notice.

Odibeiche Sunday- That is ok Mr Direct sir. When I be out doing de work of da lord I will talk to anyone.

ND- What lord?

OS- De lord.

ND- De lord?

OS- Yes sir Mr Direct sir, de lord. De lord who be de father of dat baby Jesus sir.

ND- Oh dat lord.

OS- Yes sir Mr Direct he send me from far across da sea to bring you da good news that he is risen!

ND- Where you from?

OS- I am from Niger, Mr Direct sir.

ND- That's racist!

OS- No sir, it is my country

ND- You sure?

OS- Yes sir.

ND-I won't have racism.

OS- No sir

ND- Just as long as you know. So Sunday, when did you leave Ungo bungo land?

OS- Sir I am not from Ungo bungo land. I am from Niger.

ND-I have told you already!!! I will not have racism in this office!!!

OS- But sir.......

ND- No buts! Any more of that and I will ring the immigration office and have you sent back to Umma gumma land.

OS- Do you have a relationship wit de lord sir?

ND- Which lord?

OS- De lord.

ND- Not dat lord?

OS- No sir de lord

ND- Well I wouldn't call it a relationship, more a casual acquaintance we don't send each other Christmas cards but if we met in the street we would be cordial I'm sure.

OS-Well sir dis is why de lord sent me from nig.....

ND- Watch it!!!

OS- From across de sea to bring you de good news that his only son de baby Jesus is risen from de dead and he brings you salvati.........

ND-Nah I'm bored of you now.

OS- Pardon sir?

ND- This isn't doing it for me.

OS- But sir I am bringing you de word of da lord!

ND- I thought it was de lord!

OS- It is de lord sir!

ND- See even that "de lord, da lord" thing ain't doing it for me. I'm used to interviewing famous and interesting offence.

OS- None taken sir.

ND- How about you pretend to be Snoop doggy dog????

OS- No sir dat would be dishonest.

ND-It's not dishonest.....look upon it like acting.

OS- Oh I don't know sir.

ND- Come on!! If you do I promise I will read the bible.........well I will watch Charlton Heston in the Ten commandments anyway. Is that a deal?

OS- But I am no actor sir.

ND- Just do your best for de Lord.

OS- Ok sir

ND- Ready?

OS- Yes sir

ND- So Snoop doggy dog it's good to finally see you back in the UK are you over here promoting a new album or do you have a new film coming out?

OS- Well sir I is over here with my good friend Charlie Brown looking for our little friend Woodstock so we can give him da word of de lord.


OS- What is wrong sir?

ND-That's Snoopy!!!

OS- But sir that's who you told me to be.


OS-Sir please do not take de name of de lord's son in vain or I will terminate dis interview forthwith.

ND- Alright I'm sorry. Look how about trying to be Fifty cent, you know the rapper Fifty cent?

OS- Oh yes sir I know de work of Mr Fifty cents very well, he is very famous in my country.

ND- Right ok you can be him.

OS- Ok sir.

ND- So Fifty great to see you! What's new in the world of gangsta rap, homie.

OS-Well Mr direct sir, I have come across from dat America to spread de word of de lord.


OS- What sir?

ND- You are fifty cent a gangsta rapper from the mean streets of L.A not St Paul!!

OS- But sir I am neither! I am Odibeiche Sunday! I told you I wasn't an actor sir! But you insisted sir! You made me tell lies in front of de lord sir.

ND-Look ok shhhhhhh stop crying. I am sorry. Would it stop you crying if I let you tell me about de lord? Would it? Would that make you feel better?

OS- Yes sir I think it would.

ND- Ok dry those tears mister! Cos I have a hankering to hear de word of de lord!!

OS-Well sir de lord he sent de baby jesus down to de eart............

ND- Nah, sorry I tried but I can't do it. You better leave.

OS- But sir you said.......

ND-Leave me now........I wish to be alone.

OS- But sir.......

ND- I said leave me now!! I wish to be alone with my thoughts.

Sunday, 21 December 2008

News direct meets Mel Gibson

We here in the News direct offices have spent many, many, many, many, many countless weeks racking our collective brains to try to come up with a star interview that would be appropriate to this season of peace and good will and after considering and then rejecting, Vice president Cheney, the Yorkshire ripper's brother and Duncan from Blue, we decided to go with Mel Gibson.

News direct-Melvin, lovely to meet you I'm a big fan of your guitars.

Mel Gibson-I have nothing to do with Gibson Guitars.

Nd-So it's no good giving you this then?

MG-What is it?

Nd-It's the volume Knob that fell off my Gibson SG, I was hoping I could give you that and you might have one on you, a spare.

MG- I have nothing to do with the Gibson guitar company.

Nd-I had no idea you sold it, probably wise though I see the electric guitar as a fad give it a year and they will all be playing those tube things the elephant thing in the star wars canteen was playing.......what's that called?

MG- I have no idea.

Nd-I would have thought that even though you sold up, you would still keep abreast of all the latest technological innovations within the business.

MG- I have nothing what so ever to do with the Gibson guitar company, can we move on please.

Nd-Mel Gibson.


Nd-Why do you hate Jews? Is it because they crucified our lord Jeebus during the sacred Christmas feast of.............God...and the angels.

MG-I don't hate Jews I was misquoted.

Nd-I said that, I said as soon as I read it, I don't believe a man like Mel Gibson would hold an irrational hatred to any particular group of people, he probably just really likes foreskins and is quite disappointed with the Jewish ritual of that it Mel? You're a fan of uncut dick?

MG-I'm not a fan of foreskins, no.

Nd- Oh you like them without?

MG-I don't care! I have no interest in foreskins!

Nd-Oh so it was just that you hate Jews, It's a good job you live in Hollywood. Imagine if you lived somewhere you were surrounded by them, you would be like the least popular neighbour ever.

MG-Can we move on please.

Nd-Wow! You even hate talking about them, you must really hate them.

MG-Move on.

Nd-I bet every Halloween you are the first at the costume shop to get your SS uniform....or do you own your own?

MG-Listen buddy, one more Jewish question and I'm walking, capiche?

Nd-No, I don't capiche, not with my back but I do understand. No more Jewish questions.......we need a final solution to the Jewish question. No more Jewish quesss.....tio.....nsssssssss.

MG-Ask me about my latest film.

ND-Nah, not really a fan of your films. I like a film I don't have to read, I don't read books why should I pay a fiver to read a film? Do you make all your films in native austrailan as some sort of protest against the imposition of the English languague on your people?

MG-I am not Aboriginal.

Nd-Well no but it is very difficult to produce original work these know what with the Je......the people who control Hollywood. (I winked)

MG- I said I'm not Aboriginal, not I'm not original!

Nd-I didn't think you were, I mean why would an abogdidigal start a guitar company.

MG- Jesus christ! I have nothing at all to do with the Gibson guitar company!!!!!!!

Nd-I know you said!!!!! You sold it!!! Funny how as soon as I came to you with a complaint and an obviously faulty knob it's all "I have nothing to do with Gibson blah blah blah"

MG-You better ask me about my new film or I am walking out that door right now.

ND-Pffff! Mel Gibson, what's you new film about?

MG- Well I'm glad you asked, it's the bloody story of a pair of Welsh Siamese twins who fight against English colonial oppression in the welsh homeland.

Nd- So it' s a kind of Braveheart 2, Welsh heart: The singing valleys of old Llandudno.

MG-No it's called "The bloody English shall die"

Nd-Well at least it's fair then, being English I just hope you give us the same fair treatment you gave us in Braveheart, Gallipoli and the Patriot.

MG- My job as a film maker is to show up the injustices of the colonial system.

Nd- So is your next project about the colonial policies of your adopted country?

MG-Next question.

Nd-You are famously Australian, why have you never appeared in Neighbours?

MG-My family moved to America when I was young.

Nd-Oh I thought it was because you are an abrodigital, and the producers are racists.

MG-For the last time I am not a fucking abrodigital...aboriginal!!!!!!!!

Nd-It's nothing to be ashamed of.

MG-I didn't say it was!!

Nd (whispering) Are they between Jews and the English on your "Who I really hate" list?

MG-That's it I'm out of here, watch your back mate!

Nd-Don't threaten me Mel Gibson!!!!! I'm not scared of you and your Opus Dei!!! Albinos hold no fears for me at all, twat!!!

Happy Xmas to all our readers (Obviously that excludes anybody from any law enforcement organisation, any bankers, stockbrokers or anyone affiliated with the international money markets in anyway shape or form, anybody who is now or has ever been a member of the conservative party or indeed "New" Labour. Anyone who doesn't like salted peanuts or thought that 300 was "Brilliant!", anyone who thinks tracksuits are appropriate day wear, any one from Lancashire and lastly but in no means leastly, Gavin Bricknell of 42 keesholme drive, Hull, east Yorkshire, England.)