Tuesday, 15 May 2007

God to disband Christianity

New york- At a hastily arranged press conference this morning in the Plaza hotel's grand ballroom a "tired and emotional" Jehovah declared to waiting reporters that as from next week, the world's Christians were no longer welcome within his houses of worship and that hence forth all Christian worship of him or mention of his name would be treated as copyright infringement and trade mark violation.

An obviously emotional supreme being confessed that he had spent many sleepless eternities debating his decision to ban the still growing messiah cult and said he hoped "people would understand"
When asked what had led him to take such drastic steps he declared "After many, many, many hours of soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I cannot continue to allow such odious intolerant hypocritical mortals to continue to use my name to justify countless acts of intolerance, hatred and in some extreme cases genocide."

When it was pointed out that he himself had at one time encouraged his "chosen people" to commit acts such as genocide in his best selling account of the Jews, known as the Bible.
He looked exasperated and quietly confessed that he "had changed a lot since then, and everyone does things they think are right in their younger days, only to look back with regrets and a determination not to repeat the same mistakes."

When asked whether his basic language of symbolism had been grossly misrepresented by corrupt officials and uneducated blind believers, he could only nod quietly and declare that he would take no more questions.
What effect this will have on the world's estimated two billion Christians is still unclear and with no word yet from the Vatican, believers worldwide are waiting anxiously to see which way this story will swing.

Most Christians this reporter has spoken to about the shock announcement have declared God's decision unconstitutional and have vowed to fight any ban in the highest court in the land.
Hubert P Lovebody, a born again evangelical from Sodom, Georgia, told me "I don't care if he does ban me! I will still worship him, it's gone beyond simple deity worship now, and too many people have a lot of money and votes invested in this thing just to let him ban us."

So it seems the Almighty one will have quite a fight on his hands if he is to carry out his threat to ban the people he has often referred to in the past as "cross junkies" from entering his churches and worshipping him against his divine will.

1 comment:

timethief said...

Ha1 ha! ha! I loved it. :P