Friday, 25 May 2007

The obscene tree of Fort Jesus

Fort Jesus- Nestled in the quiet hillbilly magnificence of the Ozark mountains sits the quietly inbred community of Fort Jesus, Arkansas.
For generations this sleepy town has slumbered through the tumultuous revolutions of history and has been perfectly content with the quiet anonymity that isolation and a fondness for shot guns brings.

Things changed suddenly late last week when a local man named Earl P Ford was found by passing state troopers masturbating furiously before an obscene birch tree.
Sheriff Wilton Dicks, one of the arresting officers, told me of the moment he discovered Mr Ford in mid stroke "We had just finished lunch and were driving back into town when my partner screeched to a halt, grabbed the radio and screamed 'What in the name of Jesus's holy donkey are doing son!' It was then that I saw Mr Ford about to splatter the filthiest looking tree I ever saw with his silver baby juice."

After both officers recovered from the shock they rushed over quickly and arrested the still shaking Mr ford "When we got him it was a fraction of a second too late, he had emitted his procreative gravy and was in the process of pulling up his dungarees. After we had cuffed him all he could say was that he couldn't help himself and slutty trees shouldn't ought to be allowed to tempt innocent god fearing men into acts of self defilement. I must admit after seeing the lascivious tree close up, old Earl has a point."

This should have been the end of the story, but because the tree had decided to put on its lewd display close to a local school, it was decided by outraged town officials that it must be cut down before the innocence of any passing children was unduly besmirched.

Before local authorities could get to the tree and put a stop to its filthy growth, a local Pastor saw the tree and immediately declared that it was not wooden pornography, but god given representation of a dying Christ on the cross sent by the lord to redeem local sinners.

The Pastor was so taken with the tree that he immediately chained himself to the trunk and began to loudly sing "Onward Christian soldiers" and preach to the bemused tree surgeons the city council had sent to remove the tree.
With things now reaching an impasse and tempers beginning to fray, It was the local librarian Mrs Eleanor Deutsch who suggested a compromise that has led to the peaceful resolution of Fort Jesus's filthy Birch/dying Jesus problem.
She came up with the brilliant solution of knitting a kaftan for the tree thus rendering it inoffensive and still capable of religious veneration.

So now whenever Mr Ford or for that matter any innocent school children pass by the offending tree all they will see is a silver birch clad in a modest woolen kaftan.
All thanks to the simple application of a woman's reason.


paisley said...

no fair!!!! that damn tree looks better than i do!!!!!!!!

Aningeniousname said...

You might say that, but as a gentleman I couldn't possibly comment.