Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Lost among the saved

Colorado springs-The American people are a deeply religious people in a way that is alien and unsettling to most Europeans.
Ever since the founding fathers included the right to religious freedom into the constitution, America has been rightly known as a haven from religious persecution.
From the early English Puritans to the electricity phobic Dutch Amish, the unjustly persecuted have fled across the cold, storm tossed seas and into the welcoming arms of a tolerant American society.

Recent developments within the religious fabric of the United States are giving some commentators reason to reassess America's supposed religious tolerance, with many now claiming that they are beginning to see the early signs of a Christian theocracy developing within this once tolerant bastion of democracy.

News direct decided to travel to the heart of this new religious phenomena and talk to some of the people involved in the powerful evangelical movement.
Colorado springs, sixty three miles from the Colorado state capital of Denver, is fast becoming known as "Jesus town, USA" due to the vast numbers of churches and Evangelicals that have relocated to the city in recent years.
I had arranged to meet one of the city's most talked about and charismatic preachers and have him explain the concepts and maybe some of the theology behind this huge new movement, that by some recent estimates is said to comprise over eighty million adherents.

Pastor Williams is a handsome man and as he glided easily through his church's plush multi million dollar office to greet me, I had a sense that this was a man not to be taken lightly.
After damaging three of my fingers in the manliest handshake I had ever received, I asked the grey haired pastor to tell me a little bit about his faith and his huge congregation
"You a Christian son? Thought not the Lord always shines a light on the non believer so as we the saved can bring you his message of peace and forgiveness. You want to know what my ministry is about? Well thats it, it's about saving wretched sinners like yourself from the eternal damnation and fiery wrath of of Satan's kingdom and delivering them into the loving arms of our lord and saviour Jesus christ!"
As the pastor said this the ten previously oblivious people working behind him on the office computers all raised their heads and shouted "Hallelujah in Jesus name let it be so!"

Somewhat taken aback by the the impromptu revivalist meeting, I was momentarily at a loss for words and sensing my weakness the stiletto eyed pastor took the opportunity to pepper me with moral questions "You a gayasexual boy? Do you commit the foul sin of man on man brown love?"
After managing to shake my head and deny any previous hot man action, I asked pastor Williams if bum action was the worst sin one could commit.
He looked at me slowly eying me up and down as if still making his mind up about my questionable sexuality and said "Brown love is a mortal sin yes, but sin can not be ranked a sin is a sin is a sin, you understand that boy?"

The pastor relaxed a little, smiled and said quietly but firmly while locking me with a solid gaze "Muslims."
"Pardon?"
"Muslims son! That damn idolatrous belief that some foul Bedouin carpetbagger could claim to speak for our lord is a filthy dirty outrageous lie and the diseased propagators of this filthy slur deserve the full weight of the American military machine to be brought down righteously upon their filthy heathen heads! In Jesus name let it be so!"
The pastor's statement was greeted with another loud chorus of fervent hallelujahs from his devoted and attentive staff.

After the last statement the pastor stood and, after mangling my fingers once more, announced that the interview was now over but as he strode purposefully away he turned back to me and said "We are having a 'let's bomb Iran' rally tomorrow, I'd love to see you there, maybe we can send to those mad mullahs a firm message that we wont accept anything in this world except total love, peace and understanding!"
And with those parting words the pastor disappeared amid another joyous chorus of heartfelt hallelujahs.

Meeting the pastor gave me a new found respect for the ideals of the evangelical movement and has since prompted me to seriously consider joining this burgeoning movement, because after all every one hates Gays and Muslims don't they?

2 comments:

Grimly Fiendish said...

:)
Its funny because its true.
:)

DeathSweep said...

Must have been a Southern Baptist before moving west...so funny!

DS