Saturday, 14 April 2007

Madonna to adopt Africa

London- The world can finally emit a long craved for sigh of relief as it seems the days of Madonna's lesbian romping and bad pop are finally over.
The one time queen of the charts announced to the press on Friday that she would no longer be making mid paced bubble gum pop and dressing like a Amsterdam whore, but would instead devote her time and considerable energies to caring for the African people.

Madonna, sitting beside her pet film director, told members of the media that her Kabbalah god "Jahweh" had told her in a dream that her mission was to save the dark continent from its self by becoming mother to the poor confused savages that dwell there.

When the former queen of pop was asked how she intended to clothe and feed her new "children" she looked slowly heaven ward and said "He who is everything yet nothing will provide for our children, for did not the holy mooses feed the Israelites in the desert?
When it was pointed out by members of the press corp that this new scheme had all the hallmarks of another bad publicity stunt Lady Madge poked her Mockney husband in the ribs and he began to threaten reporters in rhyming slang, saying to one obviously terrified young hack that he would "Snap his Gregory peck with his indie bands, if I hear any more stinky piss Tolkien from your throbbing knob gobbler."

The majority of the assembled press adopted their usual attitude to Mr Madonna, they completely ignored him and continued to pepper his saintly wife with questions.
When asked why she thought God had chosen her to save Africa the holy one thought for a moment then said "I've always had lots of black friends and he probably knows that right? he knows everything right? So he like, probably picked me cos of that."

Whether Africa will welcome this latest PR scheme is still open to debate. After the press conference I grabbed one black man outside Camden tube station and asked him if he was happy to be adopted by the slut turned saint, he said "what are you talking about mate I'm not fucking African, I'm from Putney, get your fucking hands off me!"

So it seems that although Madonna has been given an initial green light by her god for this new venture it looks as if not all of Africa's savages will be totally compliant and judging by the reaction I got from them, she will need her God and her aristocratic gangster husband to be on top form.

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