Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Fat Boris drinks himself to death

Moscow-In glitzy bars all over Moscow members of Russia's noveau riche are raising their glasses in tribute to the man they owe their stolen wealth to, the ex President and sometime karaoke star Boris Yeltsin.

Drunken Boris started his meteoric rise to the presidency after joining the communist party in 1961 and steadily drinking his way up the hierarchy until eventually reaching the office of mayor of Moscow in 1985.

It was during his period as Mayor that his gargantuan appetite for vodka was first noticed and residents of Moscow became used to seeing their "Hard working" Mayor passed out in Red square clutching an empty vodka bottle and reeking of stale urine.

Yeltsin's Performance as Mayor didn't go unnoticed within the walls of the Kremlin and he was soon demoted from the post and this demotion many say was the making of Yeltsin the statesman. After a particularly hard nights drinking in red square Yeltsin decided to attack the slow pace of Gorbechev's Glasnost reforms and the fact that the state had assigned 12 pink elephants to shadow his every move.

In 1990 a resurgent Yeltsin won a seat on the supreme soviet and between drinking bouts planned his next step to ultimate power, this came in the 1991 presidential elections where he somehow managed to beat Gorbachev's preferred candidate.
A month after Yeltsin took office aides had to trawl the Moscow gutters to find the president and inform him there had been a hard line Stalinist coup, Yeltsin was said to have replied"Like a virgin kissed for the very first time...I love you..hey lets go clubbing...get off!!!!"
Presidential aides quickly dressed him and rushed him to the Russian Parliament propped him up on a tank and delivered the piss stained peasant his place in history.

After Gorbachev's eventual resignation a delighted Boris moved him self into the Kremlin and
after quickly selling the Russian people to the vultures of international capital he embarked on his most ambitious drinking bout ever.
Yeltsin was no fool and quickly realised that the time he took raising a bottle to his bloated face was time wasted so he commisioned Russia's top scientific minds develop a "Vodka bag" modeled on the popular colostomy bag system, which enabled him to have vodka constantly circulating through his system.

Yeltsin's economic reforms soon became unpopular when the starving people realised "privatisation" actually meant giving every thing you own to gangsters and bankers.
This wave of privatisation saw the emergence of the "Oligarchs" Russia's answer to the Murdochs, Trumps and Lettermans of the west.
It was round this time that Yeltsin began to weary of the strains of office and decided to take his drinking international. This of course led to Yeltsin becoming one of the worlds most popular comedians and everywhere he went masses of people would turn up just to hear him slur.

Sadly Yeltsin's time on the international comedy circuit was drawing to a close and after naming a young 17 year old Vladimir Putin as his successor the great man slipped quietly off into retirement. In retirement he found more time to pursue his hobbies and eventually had a "whisky bag" fitted to complement the lonely "vodka bag" strapped to his side.
Mr Yeltsin could often been seen staggering through Moscow's parks shouting at pigeons and declaring to passers by that he had once fucked Hilary Clinton.

President Putin has declared that Yeltsin will be placed in Lenin's old tomb in Red square so that future generations may gaze in wonder upon the bloated corpse the world once knew as President Boris Yeltsin.

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