Thursday, 26 April 2007

"Pervy" Howard's reign of terror ends

Reading-For over thirty years the small and insignificant hamlet of Reading has endured what one resident has called "a sustained sexual terror campaign" from one of its most upstanding citizens.

Local Pharmacist and ex Mayor Howard De la zouche has run the local chemist on Reading high street for as long as anyone can remember and during his tenure there he has subjected staff and customers to daily barrages of crude sexual innuendo and countless "accidental" touches.
Police finally swooped early this morning in a dawn raid on Mr De la zouche's small semi in nearby Slough.

Officers from the force's newly formed anti perv squad were said to shocked at the conditions they found upon entering Mr De la zouche's depraved lair.
One officer told me "It was horrendous, I've been a pig for over twenty years and I have never seen anything like it. The house had an over powering smell of ammonia and when we entered his bedroom we found it to be filled with countless bottles of stale urine and pictures of a young Mr De la zouche covering every wall."
Police are also said to have found countless rubber penis's and sticky copies of illegal Chinese panda porn magazines littering the floors of not only his bedroom, but also every room in the house.

Staff at Mr De la zouche's chemist shop have so far refused to comment on his arrest, but one female shopper on Reading's high street told this reporter "It's about time really, I had to use his shop as I have an untreatable form of thrush. Every time I went in he would rush from behind the counter and stand uncomfortably close to me and say things like 'I've got some cream for you' while leering suggestively at me."

Police are said to be considering charging "Pervy" Howard under the governments new anti perv laws which have only just come into force. The new laws make any unwarranted sexual innuendo or double entendre liable to a minimum prison sentence of four years and for the offender to be placed on the new perv offenders register.

Reading's long suffering residents are now breathing a sigh of relief that "Pervy" Howard is safely locked in police custody and they are again able to buy medicines without a familar hand on the buttock and the sly voice whispering "I know What you've got, you slag"

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