News direct meets the bloke who just knocked on our door

The more perceptive of our readers will have noticed that there has been something of hiatus recently upon the esteemed pages of the world's favourite blog.
This, of course, wasn't due to laziness or a "I can't really be arsed with it, the people who read it are all a set of inbred misfits with the IQ of retarded kittens." attitude.

No! On the contrary! We have been silenced by a vast media conspiracy intent on protecting those spoiled decadent Hollywood stars from the searching penetrations of News direct's spotlight of truth, otherwise known as News direct meets.

We searched in vain for an agent, a publicist, a studio tea boy! Anyone who would give us access to the Hollywood A list but it was all in vain for we learned from various unconfirmed possibly made up sources that News direct was now on some kind of Hollywood black list.
Of course we had no idea what a black list was at first and just assumed it meant we got the first go at interviewing Spike Lee, Denzil Washington, Don Cheadle etc.

But no! No! We are banned!
Yes my dear loyal simple 12 toed reader, the entertainment elite that rules over Hollywood has banned your beloved News direct from interviewing anyone of any importance within any field of entertainment which as I'm sure you are aware includes film, TV, music, and of course our old friend the comedy network, Fox news.

As I'm sure you can imagine when we first heard the news we were devastated and contemplated committing a mass suicide in protest at the cruel and unusual punishment inflicted upon us by "The man" but by God we are British! We didn't lay down and die when Herr Hitler was sending his doodlebugs across the channel twice a night, there's no last chopper out of Saigon for us boys!

We decided to fight back!

Obviously we can't bring you the top flight celebrity interviews we have spoiled you with in the past and to tell you the truth we were at a loss as to who to shine our spotlight of truth upon this week until providence came forth and rescued this news based damsel by delivering to our door
Mr Odibeiche Sunday.

News direct- Mr Sunday, thank you for agreeing to speak to us at such short notice.

Odibeiche Sunday- That is ok Mr Direct sir. When I be out doing de work of da lord I will talk to anyone.

ND- What lord?

OS- De lord.

ND- De lord?

OS- Yes sir Mr Direct sir, de lord. De lord who be de father of dat baby Jesus sir.

ND- Oh dat lord.

OS- Yes sir Mr Direct he send me from far across da sea to bring you da good news that he is risen!

ND- Where you from?

OS- I am from Niger, Mr Direct sir.

ND- That's racist!

OS- No sir, it is my country

ND- You sure?

OS- Yes sir.

ND-I won't have racism.

OS- No sir

ND- Just as long as you know. So Sunday, when did you leave Ungo bungo land?

OS- Sir I am not from Ungo bungo land. I am from Niger.

ND-I have told you already!!! I will not have racism in this office!!!

OS- But sir.......

ND- No buts! Any more of that and I will ring the immigration office and have you sent back to Umma gumma land.

OS- Do you have a relationship wit de lord sir?

ND- Which lord?

OS- De lord.

ND- Not dat lord?

OS- No sir de lord

ND- Well I wouldn't call it a relationship, more a casual acquaintance we don't send each other Christmas cards but if we met in the street we would be cordial I'm sure.

OS-Well sir dis is why de lord sent me from nig.....

ND- Watch it!!!

OS- From across de sea to bring you de good news that his only son de baby Jesus is risen from de dead and he brings you salvati.........

ND-Nah I'm bored of you now.

OS- Pardon sir?

ND- This isn't doing it for me.

OS- But sir I am bringing you de word of da lord!

ND- I thought it was de lord!

OS- It is de lord sir!

ND- See even that "de lord, da lord" thing ain't doing it for me. I'm used to interviewing famous and interesting people........no offence.

OS- None taken sir.

ND- How about you pretend to be Snoop doggy dog????

OS- No sir dat would be dishonest.

ND-It's not dishonest.....look upon it like acting.

OS- Oh I don't know sir.

ND- Come on!! If you do I promise I will read the bible.........well I will watch Charlton Heston in the Ten commandments anyway. Is that a deal?

OS- But I am no actor sir.

ND- Just do your best for de Lord.

OS- Ok sir

ND- Ready?

OS- Yes sir

ND- So Snoop doggy dog it's good to finally see you back in the UK are you over here promoting a new album or do you have a new film coming out?

OS- Well sir I is over here with my good friend Charlie Brown looking for our little friend Woodstock so we can give him da word of de lord.

ND-No!!!!

OS- What is wrong sir?

ND-That's Snoopy!!!

OS- But sir that's who you told me to be.

ND-Jesus!

OS-Sir please do not take de name of de lord's son in vain or I will terminate dis interview forthwith.

ND- Alright I'm sorry. Look how about trying to be Fifty cent, you know the rapper Fifty cent?

OS- Oh yes sir I know de work of Mr Fifty cents very well, he is very famous in my country.

ND- Right ok you can be him.

OS- Ok sir.

ND- So Fifty great to see you! What's new in the world of gangsta rap, homie.

OS-Well Mr direct sir, I have come across from dat America to spread de word of de lord.

ND-No!!!!!

OS- What sir?

ND- You are fifty cent a gangsta rapper from the mean streets of L.A not St Paul!!

OS- But sir I am neither! I am Odibeiche Sunday! I told you I wasn't an actor sir! But you insisted sir! You made me tell lies in front of de lord sir.

ND-Look ok shhhhhhh stop crying. I am sorry. Would it stop you crying if I let you tell me about de lord? Would it? Would that make you feel better?

OS- Yes sir I think it would.

ND- Ok dry those tears mister! Cos I have a hankering to hear de word of de lord!!

OS-Well sir de lord he sent de baby jesus down to de eart............

ND- Nah, sorry I tried but I can't do it. You better leave.

OS- But sir you said.......

ND-Leave me now........I wish to be alone.

OS- But sir.......

ND- I said leave me now!! I wish to be alone with my thoughts.

News direct meets Mel Gibson

We here in the News direct offices have spent many, many, many, many, many countless weeks racking our collective brains to try to come up with a star interview that would be appropriate to this season of peace and good will and after considering and then rejecting, Vice president Cheney, the Yorkshire ripper's brother and Duncan from Blue, we decided to go with Mel Gibson.


News direct-Melvin, lovely to meet you I'm a big fan of your guitars.

Mel Gibson-I have nothing to do with Gibson Guitars.

Nd-So it's no good giving you this then?

MG-What is it?

Nd-It's the volume Knob that fell off my Gibson SG, I was hoping I could give you that and you might have one on you, a spare.

MG- I have nothing to do with the Gibson guitar company.

Nd-I had no idea you sold it, probably wise though I see the electric guitar as a fad give it a year and they will all be playing those tube things the elephant thing in the star wars canteen was playing.......what's that called?

MG- I have no idea.

Nd-I would have thought that even though you sold up, you would still keep abreast of all the latest technological innovations within the business.

MG- I have nothing what so ever to do with the Gibson guitar company, can we move on please.

Nd-Mel Gibson.

MG-Yes.

Nd-Why do you hate Jews? Is it because they crucified our lord Jeebus during the sacred Christmas feast of.............God...and the angels.

MG-I don't hate Jews I was misquoted.

Nd-I said that, I said as soon as I read it, I don't believe a man like Mel Gibson would hold an irrational hatred to any particular group of people, he probably just really likes foreskins and is quite disappointed with the Jewish ritual of circumcision......is that it Mel? You're a fan of uncut dick?

MG-I'm not a fan of foreskins, no.

Nd- Oh you like them without?

MG-I don't care! I have no interest in foreskins!

Nd-Oh so it was just that you hate Jews, It's a good job you live in Hollywood. Imagine if you lived somewhere you were surrounded by them, you would be like the least popular neighbour ever.

MG-Can we move on please.

Nd-Wow! You even hate talking about them, you must really hate them.

MG-Move on.

Nd-I bet every Halloween you are the first at the costume shop to get your SS uniform....or do you own your own?

MG-Listen buddy, one more Jewish question and I'm walking, capiche?

Nd-No, I don't capiche, not with my back but I do understand. No more Jewish questions.......we need a final solution to the Jewish question. No more Jewish quesss.....tio.....nsssssssss.

MG-Ask me about my latest film.

ND-Nah, not really a fan of your films. I like a film I don't have to read, I don't read books why should I pay a fiver to read a film? Do you make all your films in native austrailan as some sort of protest against the imposition of the English languague on your people?

MG-I am not Aboriginal.

Nd-Well no but it is very difficult to produce original work these days......you know what with the Je......the people who control Hollywood. (I winked)

MG- I said I'm not Aboriginal, not I'm not original!

Nd-I didn't think you were, I mean why would an abogdidigal start a guitar company.

MG- Jesus christ! I have nothing at all to do with the Gibson guitar company!!!!!!!

Nd-I know you said!!!!! You sold it!!! Funny how as soon as I came to you with a complaint and an obviously faulty knob it's all "I have nothing to do with Gibson blah blah blah"

MG-You better ask me about my new film or I am walking out that door right now.

ND-Pffff! Mel Gibson, what's you new film about?

MG- Well I'm glad you asked, it's the bloody story of a pair of Welsh Siamese twins who fight against English colonial oppression in the welsh homeland.

Nd- So it' s a kind of Braveheart 2, Welsh heart: The singing valleys of old Llandudno.

MG-No it's called "The bloody English shall die"

Nd-Well at least it's fair then, being English I just hope you give us the same fair treatment you gave us in Braveheart, Gallipoli and the Patriot.

MG- My job as a film maker is to show up the injustices of the colonial system.

Nd- So is your next project about the colonial policies of your adopted country?

MG-Next question.

Nd-You are famously Australian, why have you never appeared in Neighbours?

MG-My family moved to America when I was young.

Nd-Oh I thought it was because you are an abrodigital, and the producers are racists.

MG-For the last time I am not a fucking abrodigital...aboriginal!!!!!!!!

Nd-It's nothing to be ashamed of.

MG-I didn't say it was!!

Nd (whispering) Are they between Jews and the English on your "Who I really hate" list?

MG-That's it I'm out of here, watch your back mate!

Nd-Don't threaten me Mel Gibson!!!!! I'm not scared of you and your Opus Dei!!! Albinos hold no fears for me at all, twat!!!

Happy Xmas to all our readers (Obviously that excludes anybody from any law enforcement organisation, any bankers, stockbrokers or anyone affiliated with the international money markets in anyway shape or form, anybody who is now or has ever been a member of the conservative party or indeed "New" Labour. Anyone who doesn't like salted peanuts or thought that 300 was "Brilliant!", anyone who thinks tracksuits are appropriate day wear, any one from Lancashire and lastly but in no means leastly, Gavin Bricknell of 42 keesholme drive, Hull, east Yorkshire, England.)

Man! I feel like a woman

Sometimes mother nature can be a cruel and sadistic jester. We have all seen the photos of two headed piglets, hair covered babies, bearded ladies and perhaps most disgustingly of all, the nine legged Octopus.
Although most people are familiar with these types of accidental oddities, they do still have the power to shock and repulse us for somewhere deep within our primitive being we unconsciously think, there but for the grace of god go I.

But what about the mistakes of nature that aren't as obvious or as visible as a six testicled dog, a black orange or a carrot shaped like Toulouse Lautrec?
What about the psychological typos mother nature has made on the great key board of life?
The psychopaths, sociopaths, bipolars, anorexics, schizophrenics, multiple personalities, neurotics and Manchester united fans?
What about these poor unfortunates? Are we as a society meant to ignore them, lock them up or ridicule them? Or are we as human beings meant to care for these people as we would a dog born with two dicks?

We here at News direct believe that every living creature upon this small blue planet of ours deserves respect and understanding and it was in this heady atmosphere of the nobility of life, that News direct sent me forth into the world to discover everything I could about that most misunderstood of creatures, the Transsexual.

Of all natures freaks, transsexuals are probably the least understood by the general public. In ancient times, as in modern, they were often castigated and shunned by their uncaring communities.
That is not to say there were not places within the ancient world that did not shun these poor unfortunates, Asia in particular had vast pockets of transsexual friendly territory.
Indeed in some places within ancient Asia this toleration gradually evolved into veneration, these half male, half female creatures became living symbols of the duality of nature and the perfumed examples of the ying and yang concept prevalent in many differing forms across the continent.

When early European sailors first made contact with these exotic lands they were amazed and then mystified by these strange temple denizens, so much so that early accounts of them are said to have been the basis of the mermaid myths, for the humble sailors not having adequate words to describe what they had seen could only whisper in shocked fascination about a creature they had seen with the top half of a woman and on the bottom just a huge powerful tail!

So it was with this same sense of awe and a little trepidation that I began my research into the curious phenomena of the modern day transsexual.
Untold hours of internet research had thrown me from Chix wit dix.com to bedicked bitches! and then perhaps most bizarrely of all to a site devoted to lovers of narcoleptic ladyboys called Tranquil transsexuals.com.
Although these vast repositories of free girly boy filth gave me some idea as to what I was getting myself into it was not really the angle I was searching for, for as regular readers will know, we here at News direct are nothing if we are not sensitive.

This is why I was delighted to come across (No pun intended! No really! I hadn't even realised it was a pun! I hate puns, they are so easy to throw out there. I would never pun during a serious investigative story like this one. To fill this article with filthy puns and sniggering knob gags is way below my dignity and anyone who suggests I would deserves nothing but my contempt and never ending enmity.
That's the trouble with people nowadays, all they want is cheap degrading puns and childish knob gags, well I for one don't believe that's what the internet is for, I believe it is here to nurture us and lead us with digital dignity into a dazzling future of byte based knowledge. It wasn't like this in the beginning you know, the internet nowadays is just full of sick perverts and Star wars geeks not the noble seekers of truth, justice and knowledge like you and me, no most people are only online for the German pissing porn and pictures of cats dressed as Hitler.)
the website of an organisation called Time for a change! Which as their website said was "A charitable organisation set up with donations from the United nations, The European union and various Transsexual porn companies all with the intended aim of making transsexualism more acceptable within the mainstream of society."

The international headquarters of Time for a change! was located in the picturesque olde worlde charm of a Doncaster industrial estate, just off the A630 near the new carpet warehouse show room.
The headquarters was not what I was expecting at all, instead of a modern steel and glass office building with smiling receptionists and bland corporate art, all I saw before me was a small factory unit on a wind swept industrial estate.
But closer examination of the plaque confirmed to me that this was indeed the world headquarters of Time for a change!
There was no door as such so the conundrum of where to knock was solved by me banging my cold hand on the large roll down metal door before me.
Until my banging was rewarded with the sound of gears followed by the slow upward scroll of the aluminum wall.

As the wide door inched slowly upwards I bent myself double and tried to steal a glimpse of what I would soon be granted for free, but disappointedly all I could steal was the sight of a cold concrete floor and a shiny pair of red six inch stiletto heels crushing the lipsticked filter of a now smoked cigarette.
Two long minutes later and the door had crawled high enough for me to bend underneath its corrugated facade and meet the stilettoed chair woman of the charity, Miss Fontana St Clairveux, a statuesque six foot five blonde wearing a tiger print mini dress and a warm red smile.
"Mr Astley?" she asked in a pleasant dark brown voice.
Standing straight, I thrust my hand straight into her large paw and said "Yes, please call me Rick."
Miss St Clairveux smiled a slightly amused max factor smile and waved her huge hand in the direction of a old sofa crammed into a small corner of the large lock up "Would you like to take a seat Rick?"
I looked across the frozen concrete floor to the surreal homely corner and then managed to nod before making my way across to the sagging leather settee lit only by a single standard lamp.

I sat down at the closest end and then grabbed the arm tightly and bounced up as Miss St Clairveux placed her self heavily next to me.
"Oh sitting right there are you?" I smiled, nervously.
"Well I feel it's more intimate don't you?" She said as she twirled the hair above my ear with a red painted nail.
I leaned my head away from the toying nail and after clearing my throat said "Well yeah It's certainly....errr intimate, is it hot in here or is it just me?"
Her red taloned hand stroked heavily upon my thigh as she sighed a marilynesque "Well Mr Astley, some like it hot."
I looked round the room, hoping for a glance of some unknown rescuer I knew would never race across the pitted concrete and whisk me away to a land were uncomfortable situations are known only in fairy tales and myths.
"I don't" I squeaked, while trying to remove the hand now tightly gripping my inner thigh.
"You don't what Mr Astley?"
"I don't like it hot."
"I'm sure there were a lot of things you didn't like until you tried them."
"Nope everything I didn't like before I tried it, I didn't like after I tried it either, with the exception of spam and peanut butter fritters strangely enough."
"Come come Mr Astley, I'm sure a man like you could get to like most things if you just had the courage to try them."
"No I'm quite set in my ways, I still refuse to call marathons, snickers, thank you anyway."
Miss St Clairveaux leaned in even closer and for a moment I felt the moistness of a warm lip on my ear before she breathed into it "I'm only teasing you Mr Astley, you're not my type at all."

The deep rumble of her laughter echoed heavily through the lock up as she shuffled her self up to the other end of the sofa "I'm sorry for teasing you, but I just wanted to dispel the notion that all transsexuals are voracious man eaters out to corrupt innocent straight men."
I wiped my sweat laden brow with my jacket sleeve "Oh yeah I knew what you were doing, as soon as you started I thought to myself, I bet she is trying to dispel the notion that all transsexuals are voracious man eaters out to corrupt innocent straight men."
"Well Mr Astley, you are obviously a man of the world."
"Oh yeah, I've been around, I was in the boy scouts for ten years. You don't spend ten years in the forces without learning a thing or two about the world!"
Miss St Clairveaux leaned forward and I quickly leaned back "I do like a man in uniform."
Still leaning back I managed "I'm not in the scouts now!"
"Shame."
"I had to leave after the incident with the scoutmaster's poodle, a Polaroid camera and a loose woggle."

After ten more minutes of me putting Miss St Clairveaux at her ease I began to delve into the intricacies, secrets and mores of the transsexual world.
"So when did you discover you were a woman? Did you realise suddenly that you like to talk a lot and buy shoes?"
"No I didn't just discover I was a woman, I have always been a woman."
I gave her a puzzled look before the clarity of understanding drifted across my features "Ohhhhh I feel such an idiot!! I thought you were a tranny!!!" I moved closer up the sofa towards her "I thought because you were running this tranny thing that you were one! And you must admit you are quite a big girl! Jesus I feel such an idiot! I do like it hot!!!!!"
"You misunderstand me Mr Astley What I meant to convey to you was that even when I was very young I always felt like I was a girl trapped inside a boy's body."
"Oh right, so you are a tranny?"
"Yes Mr Astley I am a transsexual."
"Oh in that case I don't then"
"You don't what?"
"I don't like it hot."
"You see Mr Astley, this is what my organisation is all about. We want to dispel the common myths associated with transsexuals and present ourselves to the world as we actually are, just normal everyday people."
"Oh ok, so what did you do before you......errr you know......you becam....decocked."
"Well before I began living full time as a woman I was in a very high powered testosterone fueled business making high powered life and death decisions everyday, oh and by the way I haven't decocked."
"What did you do?"
"I was a junior colourist at Toni and Guys in Rotherham."
"Why haven't you decocked yet"
"Not all transsexuals.....decock, as you so delicately put it. I enjoy having a cock and would be lost without it.
"But what about doing...sex, you know if you wanted to do it with a ....you know ...a man."
"Well that is why I had my balls removed and my scrotum made into a vagina."
"You had your sac made into a vagina?????"
"No you idiot! You see this is the kind of ignorance we are constantly fighting against."
"Yeah I knew that I was just giving you the chance to demonstrate what it can be like, you know when you have to talk to idiots and people who aren't very smart and stuff."

Miss St Clairveaux smiled and then with a hand swept casually through her long blonde hair she asked "Is that it Mr Astley? Do you need anymore?"
"Errrrr no not really, If I do need anything else I'll just do what I usually do."
"Get back in touch with me to arrange another interview?"
"No I'll make it up."
"Oh right."
"Fancy a quick pint?"
"I'm a lady I don't drink pints, but I will join you for a banana daiquiri and Taboo splashed with Cointreau and Malibu in a tall glass over ice."
"You're on! But you're buying and if there are any hot chicks in the pub, your my sister right."

Meeting Miss St Clairveaux taught me that when all is said and done people are just people, some are tall, some are short, some are ginger, and some even have one leg. But overall the biggest lesson I learned from my meeting with Miss St Clairveaux was never try to out drink a transsexual, they drink like squaddies.

McCartney speaks to News direct

Henna haired pop legend and all round nice guy, Sir Paul McCartney, takes time out from his hectic touring and divorce schedule to speak to News direct about life, love and the meaning of Pinball wizard.

News direct- Sir Paul, before we begin can I say I'm a massive fan of yours and that I have all your records, I'm constantly playing Sympathy for the devil.
Sir Paul McCartney- Actually that wasn't one of mine.
ND- Was it not? Are you sure?
SPM- Yeah I'm quite sure.
ND- Oh right, anyway can you tell our readers what it was like being in the biggest band of all time? Just give them a flavour of what it was actually like being a Rolling stone.
SPM- Well I couldn't even begin to tell them what it was like being a Rolling stone.
ND- Because it was so crazy?
SPM- No because I wasn't in the stones, I was a Beatle.
ND- Was you?
SPM- Yeah.
ND- Oh right, which one was you?
SPM- The one they used to call Paul McCartney.
ND- Not the one that got shot?
SPM- No.
ND- Well thats thrown a bit of a spanner in the works as all my questions are about you being in the stones etc. You should tell people before you agree to these interviews that you weren't a Rolling stone. It would save a lot of confusion further on down the line.
SPM- Well I would think most people know I was a Beatle and not a Stone.
ND- That's a bit arrogant isn't it?
SPM- Look if you don't want to carry on with the interview just say and I'll leave.
ND- No, you're here now we might as well push on.
SPM- Right.
ND- Sir Paul, did you ever meet the Rolling stones?
SPM- Are you taking the piss?
ND- No, not at all I have just found my Beatles questions and this was the first one.
SPM- Alright, Yeah the London scene at that time was pretty small and everyone knew everyone. The papers used to say there was a big rivalry between the two bands but we were actually all very good mates.
ND- Did you ever sleep with Mick Jagger?
SPM- No, why?
ND- Well he is famously Bilingual and I thought you may have slept with him at some time or other. Have you really slept with him and don't want to say in case people read this and think you're a puff?
SPM-No.
ND- Sure?
SPM- Yes.
ND- Could you have been high on acid juice, or whatever it was you took back then, and accidentally blew him?
SPM- No.
ND- You seem awfully certain.
SPM-Look you have ten seconds to move on or I'm walking right out that door!
ND-God alright! Keep your hair on, by the way is that your own hair?
SPM-Yes I have been lucky, a lot of guys my age lose it, I have even managed to retain my natural colour.
ND- Your natural colour was neon purple?
SPM-No, Horse chestnut.
ND-Anyway lets concentrate on music.
SPM- Sounds good to me.
ND-When you were writing Pinball wizard, did you have a particular pinball machine in mind or was it just pinball machines generally?
SPM- I didn't write that.
ND- You bloody did!
SPM- It was the Who.
ND-Who?
SPM- Yeah.
ND- You sure you didn't write it? I have this mental image of you sat there at your grand piano dressed in your big glasses and crazy costumes belting out Pinball wizard.
SPM- You're thinking of Elton.
ND- Nah, he is a crap comedian and writer.
SPM- I meant Elton John.
ND- My names not John.
SPM- Move on.
ND- What songs did you actually write then? Anything I might know?
SPM- Well I've wrote hundreds, but I suppose you might know about yesterday.
ND- Why what happened?
SPM-When?
ND- Yesterday.
SPM- No, thats the title of the song!
ND- It's called no?
SPM- It's called yesterday!!
ND-Ohhh, no I don't know it. Anyway lets move on I sense you're disappointed with your musical career and it feels like I have hit a raw nerve. Tell me about your divorce.
SPM- Well as you can obviously imagine....
ND- That was yours!!!
SPM-No it wasn't and yes I'm sure. As I was saying it has been a hard time for all the family and heather and I are doing our best to minimize the effect the situation has on the life of our young daughter.
ND- I bet she didn't get much in the divorce settlement.
SPM- Why would you think that?
ND- Well with all your money you could afford OJ Simpson's lawyer. I bet she didn't have a leg to stand on.
SPM- Right that's it this interview is over.

At this point in the interview Sir Paul decided to terminate the interview and has requested his lawyers to issue all News direct employees with a restraining order barring them from being within two hundred and fifty metres of any member of the McCartney family.

Madonna to adopt Africa

London- The world can finally emit a long craved for sigh of relief as it seems the days of Madonna's lesbian romping and bad pop are finally over.
The one time queen of the charts announced to the press on Friday that she would no longer be making mid paced bubble gum pop and dressing like a Amsterdam whore, but would instead devote her time and considerable energies to caring for the African people.

Madonna, sitting beside her pet film director, told members of the media that her Kabbalah god "Jahweh" had told her in a dream that her mission was to save the dark continent from its self by becoming mother to the poor confused savages that dwell there.

When the former queen of pop was asked how she intended to clothe and feed her new "children" she looked slowly heaven ward and said "He who is everything yet nothing will provide for our children, for did not the holy mooses feed the Israelites in the desert?
When it was pointed out by members of the press corp that this new scheme had all the hallmarks of another bad publicity stunt Lady Madge poked her Mockney husband in the ribs and he began to threaten reporters in rhyming slang, saying to one obviously terrified young hack that he would "Snap his Gregory peck with his indie bands, if I hear any more stinky piss Tolkien from your throbbing knob gobbler."

The majority of the assembled press adopted their usual attitude to Mr Madonna, they completely ignored him and continued to pepper his saintly wife with questions.
When asked why she thought God had chosen her to save Africa the holy one thought for a moment then said "I've always had lots of black friends and he probably knows that right? he knows everything right? So he like, probably picked me cos of that."

Whether Africa will welcome this latest PR scheme is still open to debate. After the press conference I grabbed one black man outside Camden tube station and asked him if he was happy to be adopted by the slut turned saint, he said "what are you talking about mate I'm not fucking African, I'm from Putney, get your fucking hands off me!"

So it seems that although Madonna has been given an initial green light by her god for this new venture it looks as if not all of Africa's savages will be totally compliant and judging by the reaction I got from them, she will need her God and her aristocratic gangster husband to be on top form.

Shock as Britney's vagina announces it's going solo

The world of popular music was today thrown into an unprecedented state of turmoil, as the vagina of the "Teen" singing sensation Britney Spears announced plans for a solo career.

The news has stunned the music business, even though for years it has been an open secret in the business that much of Britney's huge success was actually due to her vagina.

A clearly shocked spokeswoman for Ms spears, announced earlier today that the rumours of a split between Britney and her vagina are indeed true and went on to say "Although Ms spears clearly regrets she can no longer have a working relationship with her vagina, she whole heartedly thanks her vagina for its many years of service and wishes it well in all it does in the future."

Sources close to Ms Spears record company claim that all has not been well between Ms spears and her vagina in recent years, one of the major reasons for this parting of the ways is believed to be Ms spears ill fated marriage to Kevin Federline.

It has been reported in several newspapers that when Ms Spears vagina heard of her impending nuptials it remarked bitterly to friends "what's she need another cunt for?"

As for the chances of success for the vagina's solo career that remains to be seen, but industry sources who have heard the vagina's solo efforts claim that the vagina has achieved something that has eluded Britney for a long time now, namely credibility.

This could give Ms spears vagina the vital edge in breaking into the mainstream adult contemporary market.

So keep your eyes peeled next time you are out shopping folks, you may just see Britney's vagina sitting proudly on the shelves of your local Wal-Mart.

Fat Robbie's drugs heatache

Hollywood. Little known English "popstar" Robbie Williams was today sensationally admitted to the Henry Ford clinic, a Los Angeles based treatment center for bloated has beens and tattooed freaks.

The sentimental pop balladeer known as the fat druggy one from Take That, was admitted to the center in the early hours of this morning suffering from what his management called "detrimental stonage".

Fans of the portly exhibitionist will be hoping this latest setback in the mildly interesting star's career is not permanent and that he is soon back up to full speed churning out bland disco anthems and dirges for kids funerals.

Fans of the embattled "singer" were today beginning to assemble outside the gates of the clinic, and early police reports suggest as many as two or three people have converged on the scene bearing handmade cards and party packs of well known prescription drugs, which they are throwing over the clinic's wall's in the hope of currying favour with their troubled troubadour hero.