Saturday, 28 July 2007

Is your Butch really a bitch?

Los Angeles-High in the Hollywood hills way above the smog, celebrity and gang shootings that plague most residents of the sprawling chaos of Los Angeles, Joyce Faffendecker has a problem.
From all outward appearances Mrs Faffendecker seems to be the embodiment of the American dream, but as she told me over iced tea on the terrace by her pool, appearances can be deceptive "You're right a casual observer would agree with you, I have a perfect husband and a lovely home, I raised two great kids and can honestly say that for the last twenty years I have been blissfully happy."

So what is the cloud threatening to engulf Joyce's rockwellian idyll of prosperous Americana?

Joyce placed her manicured nails to her taut impeccably botoxed forehead and on the verge of tears she began to tell me the tragic story of her dog Butch.
"When the children left for college, Marty, my husband suggested we get a dog to give me something to focus my love and attention on. I was delighted because I always thought a dog would really be the ultimate accessory especially if we got a beige one, because a beige one would go with any outfit.
So anyway, eventually Marty finds this guy in the city who breeds San Fransisco setters and he buys one for me and let me tell you it was love at first sight!
I was wearing an off the shoulder purple and green Versace catsuit from the new fall collection and that cute little puppy dog immediately made it look not just ten but probably twenty thousand dollars more expensive, not only that as soon as I placed him on my sofa you could have easily mistaken him for a cushion, he was that perfect!"

Mrs Faffendecker's unconfined joy was to be short lived though, as she soon discovered Butch had some worrying habits.
"It's not something I could put my finger on straight away but he was definitely 'different' he wouldn't play ball and actually seemed averse to all sporting activity, he wouldn't even hump my leg even after I let my neighbour's in season bitch Doberman pee up it!
Something was definitely wrong with Butch.
We kind of struggled along with him hoping he would change and to tell the truth as an accessory he was fine but deep down I knew he was not happy inside, but I just didn't know why."

Joyce's moment of epiphany was to come six months later in the unlikely setting of a neighbour's
glitzy charity event in aid of badly dressed African orphans.
"So there I was in the most gorgeous silver Gucci caftan nibbling the caviar canapes and chatting
to one of the organizers about how dreadful it is that these kids have to wear mostly non designer, unbranded apparel, when this woman walks straight over to me and says 'Your dog is not happy.'
Well let me tell you, you could have knocked me over with a feather! I hadn't told anyone about Butch's problems and here was this total stranger telling me about it!
It turns out that she was Ida Lupino, the world famous pet psychic, she looked me straight in the eyes and said your dog isn't happy because he wants to be a female, he feels he was born in the wrong body and will never be happy until he is a bitch.
Well as you can imagine I was devastated and shocked by the news but deep down I knew she was right and all the pieces began to fall into place, his insistence on a silk doggy basket, his love of cashmere and of course his very effeminate walk. It was as though God himself had come down from his God cloud and said Joyce your dog wants to be a bitch and it's your mission in life to help him achieve his dream."

After the initial shock of Ida Lupino's trans-gender diagnosis Mrs Faffendecker knew that the only possible course of action she could take was help butch fulfill his dream to become a bitch.
"Well at first Marty and me were at a loss on how we could help him. I mean it's not the kind of problem that suggests an immediate solution.
It was a few weeks after his psychic diagnosis that Marty run into a guy who knew of a cosmetic veterinary surgeon named Dr Remy Martinez, who had a reputation around town as a master of the scalpel, he did Speilberg's chihuahua's face lift.
Anyway we took Butch to see Dr Martinez and after twenty minutes of squeezing his testicles and calling him Bitch dog, I guess to gauge his reactions, I don't know I'm not medically trained, he said 'Su pero es una puta!'
Well that was all the confirmation I needed and after wiping the tears from my face, I said Dr Remy, I don't care what it costs or how excruciatingly painful it is! I want you to give Butchie his dream and make him a bitch."

Joyce and Dr Martinez eventually gave Butch his life long dream and six months on from his surgery Joyce feels that she made the right decision and claims to have seen a massive difference in the dog they now call Marcy.
"She is like a different animal since Dr Remy gave her a vagina, before Butch would just sit in the corner all day forlornly licking his testicles but now when Marcy goes to lick that area and realises her dream has finally come true she just sits there and howls and cries in gratitude.
I just thank God that I have an interest in badly dressed African orphans or else Marcy would never have been able to live her dream and become the dog she always should have been."


DeathSweep said...

Where have you been hiding! Today is the first I've read this blog and it is kind of humor! I'll be back, that's for sure


timethief said...

OMG! Here I am laughing my ass off. You sir, are a very bad influence. So bad I may never return again ... tee hee :P

Aningeniousname said...

I only report the news! I can't be a bad influence, It's not like I'm just making it up!