Sunday, 15 July 2007

The Alastair Campbell dairy

London- Samuel Johnson once said 'When a man is tired of London he is tired of life.' and during the ten years of unrelenting lies and spin Blair's Lancashire Machiavelli has subjected us to, many would be forced to agree.
But not once during those grim years of the Blair/Campbell premiership did we ever suspect Campbell would tire of bullying the soft London media and decide to retire to the country.

But it seems we were all wrong about the infamous "Hand up Blair's arse" in a move which will shock many of his victims he announced yesterday that he is quiting the media and returning to Lancashire to run his father's twenty acre dairy farm.
As he told me yesterday by telephone from his new cow filled home "I've had enough of all the bullshit of Westminster and just want to get back to normal life really, are you taping this? Don't fucking lie to me you horrible little shit! I'm telling you now you fucker, if there is one thing in that fucking story that is not true I'll have your balls on a plate!"

When I had fully assured Mr Campbell that I was not taping, but just taking notes he deigned to resume the interview "Yeah as I was saying I'm tired of having to bully and cajole my way through the long days and even during the good times I was always yearning to get back to my roots and live the simple life."
Mr Campbell then went on to tell me his plans for his fathers small isolated dairy "At the moment we are just selling our milk locally, but I want to branch out and start making Mozzarella, my father wasn't to happy to abandon the old ways but I said to him 'Listen up shit head! change or die, this is how I see it and if you don't wanna play ball I'll make you rue the fucking day you slid screaming from your mothers slack hole, we are taking this shit hole global! I want Campbell's Mozzarella on every fucking pizza from here to timbukfuckingtu! Do I make myself clear!'
He of course agreed and we are in the process of ringing people already in the stringy cheese business and warning them there is a new Billy big balls in town."

I then asked Mr Campbell if he would miss the day to day cut and thrust of government life, to which he replied "Ohhh fuck off! I've had enough of this fucking interview, you're trying to make me look a cunt! I'm warning you I know some very serious people, you think If a man like Dr David Kelly can be "suicided" I'd think twice about dealing with a little piss ant like you?"
With that Lancashire's newest farmer slammed down his phone and terminated the interview.

Given Mr Campbell's reputation as a win at all costs hugely testicled alpha male, we here at News direct are betting that the next time you tuck into your favourite margherita there is a good chance it will be covered in Mr Campbell's stringy Lancashire cheese.

3 comments:

Thereyoucome said...

I dont udnerstand the comments about London. maybe need more background. but it's interesting.
I prefer fine day.

Grimly Fiendish said...

Utter genius. I laughed untill the beer came out my nose....................which wasnt really funny. Not to me anyway.


it was expensive beer. ;)

Aningeniousname said...

News direct can not be held responsible for nasal loss of beer whatever the quality of the aforesaid beverage.