Tuesday, 19 May 2009

News direct meets the bloke who just knocked on our door

The more perceptive of our readers will have noticed that there has been something of hiatus recently upon the esteemed pages of the world's favourite blog.
This, of course, wasn't due to laziness or a "I can't really be arsed with it, the people who read it are all a set of inbred misfits with the IQ of retarded kittens." attitude.

No! On the contrary! We have been silenced by a vast media conspiracy intent on protecting those spoiled decadent Hollywood stars from the searching penetrations of News direct's spotlight of truth, otherwise known as News direct meets.

We searched in vain for an agent, a publicist, a studio tea boy! Anyone who would give us access to the Hollywood A list but it was all in vain for we learned from various unconfirmed possibly made up sources that News direct was now on some kind of Hollywood black list.
Of course we had no idea what a black list was at first and just assumed it meant we got the first go at interviewing Spike Lee, Denzil Washington, Don Cheadle etc.

But no! No! We are banned!
Yes my dear loyal simple 12 toed reader, the entertainment elite that rules over Hollywood has banned your beloved News direct from interviewing anyone of any importance within any field of entertainment which as I'm sure you are aware includes film, TV, music, and of course our old friend the comedy network, Fox news.

As I'm sure you can imagine when we first heard the news we were devastated and contemplated committing a mass suicide in protest at the cruel and unusual punishment inflicted upon us by "The man" but by God we are British! We didn't lay down and die when Herr Hitler was sending his doodlebugs across the channel twice a night, there's no last chopper out of Saigon for us boys!

We decided to fight back!

Obviously we can't bring you the top flight celebrity interviews we have spoiled you with in the past and to tell you the truth we were at a loss as to who to shine our spotlight of truth upon this week until providence came forth and rescued this news based damsel by delivering to our door
Mr Odibeiche Sunday.

News direct- Mr Sunday, thank you for agreeing to speak to us at such short notice.

Odibeiche Sunday- That is ok Mr Direct sir. When I be out doing de work of da lord I will talk to anyone.

ND- What lord?

OS- De lord.

ND- De lord?

OS- Yes sir Mr Direct sir, de lord. De lord who be de father of dat baby Jesus sir.

ND- Oh dat lord.

OS- Yes sir Mr Direct he send me from far across da sea to bring you da good news that he is risen!

ND- Where you from?

OS- I am from Niger, Mr Direct sir.

ND- That's racist!

OS- No sir, it is my country

ND- You sure?

OS- Yes sir.

ND-I won't have racism.

OS- No sir

ND- Just as long as you know. So Sunday, when did you leave Ungo bungo land?

OS- Sir I am not from Ungo bungo land. I am from Niger.

ND-I have told you already!!! I will not have racism in this office!!!

OS- But sir.......

ND- No buts! Any more of that and I will ring the immigration office and have you sent back to Umma gumma land.

OS- Do you have a relationship wit de lord sir?

ND- Which lord?

OS- De lord.

ND- Not dat lord?

OS- No sir de lord

ND- Well I wouldn't call it a relationship, more a casual acquaintance we don't send each other Christmas cards but if we met in the street we would be cordial I'm sure.

OS-Well sir dis is why de lord sent me from nig.....

ND- Watch it!!!

OS- From across de sea to bring you de good news that his only son de baby Jesus is risen from de dead and he brings you salvati.........

ND-Nah I'm bored of you now.

OS- Pardon sir?

ND- This isn't doing it for me.

OS- But sir I am bringing you de word of da lord!

ND- I thought it was de lord!

OS- It is de lord sir!

ND- See even that "de lord, da lord" thing ain't doing it for me. I'm used to interviewing famous and interesting people........no offence.

OS- None taken sir.

ND- How about you pretend to be Snoop doggy dog????

OS- No sir dat would be dishonest.

ND-It's not dishonest.....look upon it like acting.

OS- Oh I don't know sir.

ND- Come on!! If you do I promise I will read the bible.........well I will watch Charlton Heston in the Ten commandments anyway. Is that a deal?

OS- But I am no actor sir.

ND- Just do your best for de Lord.

OS- Ok sir

ND- Ready?

OS- Yes sir

ND- So Snoop doggy dog it's good to finally see you back in the UK are you over here promoting a new album or do you have a new film coming out?

OS- Well sir I is over here with my good friend Charlie Brown looking for our little friend Woodstock so we can give him da word of de lord.

ND-No!!!!

OS- What is wrong sir?

ND-That's Snoopy!!!

OS- But sir that's who you told me to be.

ND-Jesus!

OS-Sir please do not take de name of de lord's son in vain or I will terminate dis interview forthwith.

ND- Alright I'm sorry. Look how about trying to be Fifty cent, you know the rapper Fifty cent?

OS- Oh yes sir I know de work of Mr Fifty cents very well, he is very famous in my country.

ND- Right ok you can be him.

OS- Ok sir.

ND- So Fifty great to see you! What's new in the world of gangsta rap, homie.

OS-Well Mr direct sir, I have come across from dat America to spread de word of de lord.

ND-No!!!!!

OS- What sir?

ND- You are fifty cent a gangsta rapper from the mean streets of L.A not St Paul!!

OS- But sir I am neither! I am Odibeiche Sunday! I told you I wasn't an actor sir! But you insisted sir! You made me tell lies in front of de lord sir.

ND-Look ok shhhhhhh stop crying. I am sorry. Would it stop you crying if I let you tell me about de lord? Would it? Would that make you feel better?

OS- Yes sir I think it would.

ND- Ok dry those tears mister! Cos I have a hankering to hear de word of de lord!!

OS-Well sir de lord he sent de baby jesus down to de eart............

ND- Nah, sorry I tried but I can't do it. You better leave.

OS- But sir you said.......

ND-Leave me now........I wish to be alone.

OS- But sir.......

ND- I said leave me now!! I wish to be alone with my thoughts.

5 comments:

Mamma Omodabaou said...

It's nice to see some blogs make a point of fighting obvious racism!! I wondered if it was possible to interview Obediliminsche at his Hollywood office?

Aningeniousname said...

We are banned from Hollywood, can't you read????? Jesus this is why I can't be bothered with you people!!!...........I mean yes madam we will certainly try.

Annie T said...

Are we ever going to get any more ground-breaking interviews from the fearsome News Direct News Hounds?

I feel sure that the Hollywood gagging order will now be forgotten...

Or are you just as bored as I am with blogging?!

Aningeniousname said...

Well there are rumours afoot that new interviews are in the pipe line but it's all a bit hush hush at the moment because we don't want Al Quada finding out and under pant bombing the News direct offices (Or whatever it is the CIA tell them to do nowadays)
So keep your eyes peeled!

corfubob said...

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