McCartney speaks to News direct

Henna haired pop legend and all round nice guy, Sir Paul McCartney, takes time out from his hectic touring and divorce schedule to speak to News direct about life, love and the meaning of Pinball wizard.

News direct- Sir Paul, before we begin can I say I'm a massive fan of yours and that I have all your records, I'm constantly playing Sympathy for the devil.
Sir Paul McCartney- Actually that wasn't one of mine.
ND- Was it not? Are you sure?
SPM- Yeah I'm quite sure.
ND- Oh right, anyway can you tell our readers what it was like being in the biggest band of all time? Just give them a flavour of what it was actually like being a Rolling stone.
SPM- Well I couldn't even begin to tell them what it was like being a Rolling stone.
ND- Because it was so crazy?
SPM- No because I wasn't in the stones, I was a Beatle.
ND- Was you?
SPM- Yeah.
ND- Oh right, which one was you?
SPM- The one they used to call Paul McCartney.
ND- Not the one that got shot?
SPM- No.
ND- Well thats thrown a bit of a spanner in the works as all my questions are about you being in the stones etc. You should tell people before you agree to these interviews that you weren't a Rolling stone. It would save a lot of confusion further on down the line.
SPM- Well I would think most people know I was a Beatle and not a Stone.
ND- That's a bit arrogant isn't it?
SPM- Look if you don't want to carry on with the interview just say and I'll leave.
ND- No, you're here now we might as well push on.
SPM- Right.
ND- Sir Paul, did you ever meet the Rolling stones?
SPM- Are you taking the piss?
ND- No, not at all I have just found my Beatles questions and this was the first one.
SPM- Alright, Yeah the London scene at that time was pretty small and everyone knew everyone. The papers used to say there was a big rivalry between the two bands but we were actually all very good mates.
ND- Did you ever sleep with Mick Jagger?
SPM- No, why?
ND- Well he is famously Bilingual and I thought you may have slept with him at some time or other. Have you really slept with him and don't want to say in case people read this and think you're a puff?
SPM-No.
ND- Sure?
SPM- Yes.
ND- Could you have been high on acid juice, or whatever it was you took back then, and accidentally blew him?
SPM- No.
ND- You seem awfully certain.
SPM-Look you have ten seconds to move on or I'm walking right out that door!
ND-God alright! Keep your hair on, by the way is that your own hair?
SPM-Yes I have been lucky, a lot of guys my age lose it, I have even managed to retain my natural colour.
ND- Your natural colour was neon purple?
SPM-No, Horse chestnut.
ND-Anyway lets concentrate on music.
SPM- Sounds good to me.
ND-When you were writing Pinball wizard, did you have a particular pinball machine in mind or was it just pinball machines generally?
SPM- I didn't write that.
ND- You bloody did!
SPM- It was the Who.
ND-Who?
SPM- Yeah.
ND- You sure you didn't write it? I have this mental image of you sat there at your grand piano dressed in your big glasses and crazy costumes belting out Pinball wizard.
SPM- You're thinking of Elton.
ND- Nah, he is a crap comedian and writer.
SPM- I meant Elton John.
ND- My names not John.
SPM- Move on.
ND- What songs did you actually write then? Anything I might know?
SPM- Well I've wrote hundreds, but I suppose you might know about yesterday.
ND- Why what happened?
SPM-When?
ND- Yesterday.
SPM- No, thats the title of the song!
ND- It's called no?
SPM- It's called yesterday!!
ND-Ohhh, no I don't know it. Anyway lets move on I sense you're disappointed with your musical career and it feels like I have hit a raw nerve. Tell me about your divorce.
SPM- Well as you can obviously imagine....
ND- That was yours!!!
SPM-No it wasn't and yes I'm sure. As I was saying it has been a hard time for all the family and heather and I are doing our best to minimize the effect the situation has on the life of our young daughter.
ND- I bet she didn't get much in the divorce settlement.
SPM- Why would you think that?
ND- Well with all your money you could afford OJ Simpson's lawyer. I bet she didn't have a leg to stand on.
SPM- Right that's it this interview is over.

At this point in the interview Sir Paul decided to terminate the interview and has requested his lawyers to issue all News direct employees with a restraining order barring them from being within two hundred and fifty metres of any member of the McCartney family.