Tuesday, 14 August 2007

Amy Wineshop lighter fuel shame

London-Heavily tattooed alcoholic and Billy Holiday impersonator Amy Wineshop has today found herself at the centre of a new media storm after being caught sipping from a can of cheap own brand lighter fluid.
Miss Wineshop,58, was spotted by shocked onlookers as she left Patel's mini mart in Camden high street swigging from a bright yellow tin of her favourite new tipple and telling passers by to "Fuck right off"

Ever since the semi talented karaoke singer burst onto the international music scene she has seemed to positively court controversy.
From her homemade tattoos, bad hair and drug abuse right through to her shocking rendition of "I left my cunt in San Fransisco" on the BBC's flagship Children in need telethon, Miss Wineshop has gone out of her way to make her self into the "Anti Yentl"

But the lighter fluid episode really does seem to be the low point in a career littered with embarrassing low points.
Friends of the star are now said to be so worried by her unusual drinking habits that they routinely lock up all household cleaning products in case she decides visit them in the early hours.

One worried friend told News direct that "Of course we are very worried by Amy's constant substance abuse and troubling penchant for the kind of tattoos a drunken sailor would refuse to have.
If these lighter fuel rumours are true it really does seem that she has hit rock bottom.
It was only a few months ago I found her laid in my front garden out cold with her legs akimbo, at first I was delighted as I thought she had brought George Micheal round for a night cap then I realised she wasn't wearing any knickers, it was awful, just awful."

The irony of the dreadful situation is that as Miss Wineshop's personal life has spiraled out of control her fame and celebrity have risen to the dizzying heights of tabloid super fame.
Bernie Clifton, celebrity PR guru and arch media manipulator, told News direct how he would handle the lighter fuel scandal the scarecrow chanteuse has suddenly found her self embroiled in "This is solid gold publicity, it really is!
If she were my client I would follow this story up with something sexual, something the public could really get their teeth into, maybe "Wineshop panda sex fury!!" you know the sort of thing, something that will really make middle england spit up it's cornflakes.
All this talk of rehab is career suicide and if she was my client I would be doing my utmost to push her away from that career option. Rehab is for has beens who need to get their name back in the papers, Amy's doing just fine and I would advise her to only consider the rehab option once her record sales begin to drop."

All eyes will now be trained on Buckingham palace where Miss Wineshop is due to receive a Dame hood from Her majesty the Queen, in recognition of her tireless work to promote a positive image of Britain abroad.
Miss Wineshop will receive the coveted honour before being whisked away by unlicensed mini cab to appear before Bow magistrates court on three charges of drunk and disorderly behaviour and two charges of indecent exposure in a built up area.


garynewtown said...

Possibly the most rediculous, pathetic and proposterous attempt at a news blog ever.

fishwithoutbicycle said...

Funny!! I love it!!

Agnes Mildew said...

I guess the fact that Ms Wineshop is about to settle down with such a savoury character as Mr B Fielder-Uncivil must force us to consider whether now is the right time to purchase shares in Newcastle Breweries and Ronson Lighter Fuel.

My bet, having checked the stock exchange on an annual basis for the last two years is to invest in White's Turps.

Possibly, it might be an idea to approach the CEO of the Priory and ask him to float the company. I'd be first in the queue to buy some shares.

I'd be a bloody billionaire in a few weeks. Then I'd probably drink it all in lighter fuel and end up in rehab myself...

Ah, such is life...

I wonder if Kenny Everett realised just how inspirational his character Cupid Stunt was to the many 'ladies' who grace our TV sets these days?

Aningeniousname said...

Are you a clairvoyant Agnes? It has just been revealed Ms Wineshop is to become the new one million pound face of turps.
Sources tell me that Mario testino will photograph Ms Wineshop, sat on a bottle of turps, for American vogue.
The photographs are set to be accompanied by an article revealing Ms Wineshop's love of cleaning fluids and her top ten turps cocktail recipes.

Agnes Mildew said...

I have carried out further extensive research on behalf of your blog posting and found your figures for Ms Wineshop's new contract as the face of Turps have been grossly inflated (such as will be her kisser once she drinks the stuff).

My sources reveal that they are giving her £5.76 plus a packet of fags and a 24-pack of litre bottle turps. Her manager had to hold out for the fags. But White's turps crumbled in the face of such celebrity.

Perhaps I can recommend some more celebrities to endorse household products, such as Britney Spears being the new face for crunchy peanut butter, since she accuses that of jumping out all over her companions whenever she pukes everywhere (allegedly), and what about dear old Sienna Miller becoming Woman at Oxfam. I am sure this charity would be so grateful for her endorsement, that they will give her any old rag they choose not to sell as long as she tarts it up with a plastic headscarf and some holey tights.

Our style icons are just there for the asking. And don't forget, you heard it here first!

Aningeniousname said...

I bow before your superior inside knowledge! But will mention one you have missed, my show biz sources have just this minute confirmed to me that John Leslie is about sign up as the new face of Tampax, following his triumphant return to Saturday night tv with the all new John Leslie's Blind date.
The format is the same as the old Cilla version but John will be standing uncomfortably close to the female contestants and filming the dates himself.