Saturday, 18 August 2007

Living the swingle life

Cleckheaton- Someone once said "It's grim up north" and a visitor's cursory glance at the row upon row of identical terrace houses clinging unhappily to the steep streets might tempt them to quickly agree with this less than kind observation.
But as with all things in life, if you scratch the surface and take time to look beyond the drab uniformity, hideously clothed in bland conformity you may just see something you never knew was there.

News direct sent me to this Small northern town to delve into the recently revealed fact that Cleckheaton is now the swinging capital of Great Britain.
My entree into the Cleckheaton swinging scene was to be provided by two of its most senior and respected members, Cleckheaton news agents Ken and Doreen Tasselthwaite.

Once seated, in their small but comfortable front room, and made welcome with the obligatory cup of strong northern tea, I asked Ken and Doreen how such a "normal" couple could have developed such an unusual hobby.
The pair smiled at each other and after beginning to answer at the same time Doreen gestured for Ken to enlighten me on their first strides into what has been called Britain's secret shagging scene "Well it really started for us in 1978 at a friends rather raucous macramé and fondue party, before we knew it we were both ankle deep in strangers sex fluid and loving it."

Doreen nodded her agreement and continued the story for me "Well the morning after we didn't know what had hit us, we were tormented by huge hangovers and felt so guilty about what had happened that we avoided talking to each other for just under a year. When we finally sat down and discussed what had happened we realised that it was the first time in all our years of marriage that we had both actually enjoyed the physical act of sex at the same time.
You see I have an unusual medical condition, which has some awfully long and complicated Latin name, but the upshot of it is that it has given me an enormously proportioned vagina.
One Doctor examined me and said that the inside of my vagina could easily accommodate a family of small Yorkshire terriers and then said to Ken that if he ever wanted to enjoy sex with me he should invest in some potholing equipment, Ken always says that it is like throwing a cocktail sausage into the Royal Albert hall, don't you?"
Ken smiled lovingly at his apparently cavernous wife and nodded for her to continue.
"So what with my condition and Ken's rather smallish equipment we decided that the swinging lifestyle could give us both some measure of sexual fulfillment while allowing us to continue with our happy marriage."

After declining Doreen's polite offer of an Eccles cake, I asked them how their hobby had progressed over the years.
Ken settled back into his Shackleton high seat chair and began to slowly explain the ins and outs, so to speak, of the swingle life "Well after our heart to heart we decided to plunge right in and that has led us to where we are today really, they call us the 'pearly necklace king and queen of the swingers' and our parties have become legendary within the Cleckheaton swinging scene.
We really try to pull out all the stops at our monthly sexual soirées, we theme them, the last one was a banana's and pajamas party which actually didn't work out all that well cos the local fancy dress shop only had one banana suit. So most men turned up with just a Fyffe's sticker on their forehead and then when the guy who got the only banana suit tried to take it back he had hell of a job cos they said they were 'inappropriate stains not commonly associated with bananas' all up the front."

Doreen poured me some more industrial strength tea while Ken, through half chewed mouthfuls of Eccles cake, continued his story.
"What most people don't understand is that we are normal average people, the only exception to this being our monthly sex orgies. Most people would imagine them to be riotous roman style sexual free for alls, but in reality they are usually very sedate affairs. People will typically start arriving about seven and will be shown into this room where Doreen will have prepared a large buffet table, no one puts on a spread like Doreen, all the men say to me I have never known anyone who can spread like your wife Ken!
So while people enjoy the Vol au vents and fish paste sandwiches we will have something sexually provocative like Hollyoaks playing on the TV, just to get people in the mood.
After some polite conversation and a few dry sherrys thats when the action really heats up and all of a sudden there are pink bits and sexual fluids everywhere.
Doreen likes to go into the box room lie on her back and challenge all the men present to 'Hit the bottom' No one has ever managed! but there have been loads willing to try hasn't there love!"

Doreen pats Ken's hand and takes over storytelling duties while ken begins to polish off another one of Doreen's huge homemade Eccles cakes "I call it the 'Have a go at the Grand canyon queue' they never manage to get to the bottom but as Ken says the view from the top is worth the wait.
Things usually wind up about ten cos I have to get up at five to do the morning papers, Ken will usually get out his pinny and clean up before coming upstairs about midnight for his special treat."
My mystified look makes Doreen laugh uproariously and has Ken coughing up flaky pieces of Ecccles cake as his wife heartily slaps his back.
"Well Ken's special treat is to clean me up down there, he calls it his 'knacker milk treat' and believe you me, on a good night there is gallons of it sloshing about up there. Usually takes him over an hour to get it all out and usually I just fall asleep and let him get on with it, as long as he is gentle with the spoon its not a problem."

Ken fully recovered from his coughing fit, puts down his unfinished Eccles cake and explains to me how they are just average people with an unusual hobby "We are no different to any other couple really, we pay our taxes, complain about the government and spend our two weeks holiday in Blackpool trying to forget our day to day drudgery.
The parties we hold are just a a bit of naughty fun. Where else could you enjoy the pleasure of other mens wives and then wrap it all up with a special treat from the vagina of the woman you love?"

Being some what at a loss for words I tried to block out the mental image of Ken poised spoon in hand before Doreen's mighty vagina and hurriedly asked if they could send a message to the non swinging world what would it be.
They looked lovingly at each other, smiled and then said in unison "Come have a go at the grand canyon!"


Agnes Mildew said...

I hope you didn't put sugar into your tea...Don't think I would have fancied using their teaspoons!

I always thought the CleckHuddersFax area was a bit suspect when I lived in Yorkshire.

No doubt it has been the inspiration for Royston Vasey and the Local Shop for Local People.

I shall be eyeing up the old ducks on their electric scooters in a different light from now on...I shall have second thoughts as to why they are unable to walk, as they attempt to mow me down at 2mph

Marenda MAGNETIC said...


"We spit so that we can continue tasting without feeling the effects of the alcohol."

I grinned "Do all French girls spit?"