Saturday, 1 December 2007

News direct meets Stephen Hawking

Not content with bringing our readers superb news and opinion sprinkled with revealing interviews from A list celebrities, News direct today brings you an interview with the world's smartest man, Professor Stephen hawking.

News direct- Professor, It's really an honour to meet you, but I'm sure you feel the same way so lets not get bogged down in who admires who the most, it could get syrupy.

Stephen Hawking-Ok

Nd-but if you wanted to say something it's best to say it now, to get it out of the way before we start the interview properly.

SH-No I'm fine thank you.

Nd-You sure? You could just say something simple like how much you enjoy my work and how News direct is the best website in the brief history of time, see what I did there?


Nd-I used the title of your book!!!

SH-Yes I noticed that.

Nd-So do you want to say that before we start?

SH-No thank you.

Nd-Ohh, alright.

SH-News direct elephant got umbrella best web in small history of clock.

Nd-That's very kind of you Professor.

SH-Please don't touch my buttons again.

Nd-I didn't!

SH-Yes you did.

Nd-Prove it!

SH-Can we please get on with the interview, I'm a very busy man.

Nd-What's that supposed to mean? Ohhhh your time is more valuable than mine is it?

SH-I didn't mean it like that, I just meant to say that I have other appointments after this and I would be grateful if we could get to the interview.


SH-Would that be ok?


SH-I haven't upset you have I?


SH-Because that was never my intention.


SH-So can we start the interview now?

Nd- I suppose so, Have you ever considered entering the Para Olympics?



SH-I have perfect hearing and no I have never considered it as theoretical physics takes up quiet a lot of my time.

Nd-How fast do you think that chair could go?

SH- I have no idea, its not built for speed its designed to give me better mobility and house my speech machine.

Nd-I reckon if you changed the wheels and got rid of the speech thing you might be in with a shot of a medal.

SH-I have no desire to enter the Para Olympics.

Nd-Are you not a sporty person?


Nd-You could be the teams mascot then.

SH-I have no desire to be a mascot.

Nd-Just because you are in a chair doesn't mean that you have to spend your days sitting around in the house.

SH-I don't.

Nd-Oh that's nice, do you have someone who comes and takes you out?


Nd-You should come to the day centre at the end of my street. It's mostly old people but loads of them are in chairs, so I'm sure you'd have a lot in common with them. They do painting, would you like that?


Nd-Ohhhh are you a little bit shy? Just a little teensy weensy bit shy???


Nd-Theres no need to be shy, they are all very friendly. Do you want me to come with you your first day? Just till you are settled in.

SH-I have no interest in going to the day centre.

Nd-You sure??? I'm sure they would love to have you.

SH-No thank you.

Nd-Alright, but I think you are cutting your nose off to spite your face.

SH-Do you have any questions relating to my work?

Nd-Of course.


Nd-Does talking to dead people sometimes get a bit scary?



SH-I told you I am not deaf, and I have never talked to dead people.

Nd-You haven't?


Nd-Oh, what kind of psychic work you do then?

SH-I don't do Psychic work, I'm a theoretical Physicist.

Nd-A what?

SH-A theoretical physicist.

Nd-And what's that when it's at home?

SH-Physicists explore and identify basic principles and laws governing motion and gravitation, the macroscopic and microscopic behavior of gases, and the structure and behavior of matter, the generation and transfer between energy, and the interaction of matter and energy.


SH-It's actually incredibly interesting and of great use in furthering our understanding of the universe and our place in it.

Nd-Can you play MP3'S on that voice thingy?


Nd-Shame that would be soooo cool. Do you ever rap on it? That would sound real freaky.


Nd-To tell you the truth I thought this interview was going to be great but I'm reeeeaaalllllllly bored now.

SH-I got plenty of bitches purple say not fish and whores I am the father tree.

Nd-No you can't really rap on it can you.

SH-I asked you not to touch my machine.

Nd-I was only seeing if you could rap on it, I wasn't gonna break it.

SH-I will have to leave now. You are not only the worst interviewer in the world but also the worst human being I have ever had the misfortune to meet, and I have met President George W Bush. Twice.

Nd-Yeah like I'm bothered what you think.


Nd-See ya loser.


Agnes Mildew said...

Stephen Hawkins rapping, eh? I'd love to hear him do the intro to Chaka Khan's "I feel for you"...
I choked on my dinner reading this. Too funny for my health - I am more familiar with chuckle-a-bit blogs.

Aningeniousname said...

The Professor and I are no longer on speaking terms sadly.
Which has upset me more than I thought it would, every time I see a wheelchair i think of his little face staring up at me and inside I die a little.