Tuesday, 27 November 2007

Love is the law

Scarborough-The human mind is a fragile thing, a complex web of interwoven neural pathways designed to unconsciously regulate our bodies and store the critical information any animal needs to ensure its own survival.

But surely there is more to the brain, than it being a just a glorified gelatin based supercomputer?
The ancient Egyptians believed that all thought came from the heart and that the brain was merely used to fill up the head cavity and stop people from feeling light headed, a spongy sort of ballast if you will.

We here at News direct being of a curious, almost scientific, nature decided to travel to the once beautiful seaside resort of Scarborough to meet a man who has devoted his whole life to unlocking the eternal secrets of the human mind.
Dr Shirlington P Lovebody, was at one time the most respected neurosurgeon ever to work in the UK, his international reputation as the world's foremost expert on brain injury and rehabilitation, ensured his speaking tours and teaching seminars were a must for any self respecting surgeon to attend.
That was until five years ago when Dr Lovebody suddenly announced to a stunned world that he had been told by god to go to Scarborough and teach people that 'Love is the law'
Since his unexpected revelation the doctor has become a semi mystical guru, using his knowledge of the human brain to teach what he has called 'The new religion of love science, man'

On the train up to Scarborough I decided to ask a few fellow passengers what they thought of Dr lovebody, to see if I could get some overall angle on the perceptions now current, the answers mainly ranged from a chortled 'Is that that mad doctor bloke?' to a slightly paranoid 'If you don't leave me alone this instant, I will call the guard'
All of this ridicule and paranoia intrigued me and confirmed to me that my meeting with the mysterious Dr Shirlington P lovebody would definitely be a day to remember.

Dr Lovebody's Mystical retreat sits lonely and windswept atop the ragged and dramatic cliffs overlooking the quietly tarnished and almost deserted streets of old Scarborough town.
By time I had managed to clamber through the driving rain and up the steep non existent path to the door of the retreat, the howling North sea wind had blown me off the knee length 'path' twice, I had fallen into nettles once and I had trodden in at least two piles of what I assumed to be either fishy smelling dog shit or sea gull's vomit.
Bracing myself against the hurricane strength wind I knocked loudly on the brightly painted orange, purple and red door.
The door opened to reveal a middle aged woman flabbily dressed in absolutely nothing at all. She shouted into the raging hurricane "Can I help you?"
I dragged my eyes from the huge swollen nipples, that were no doubt irritating her hidden knees and shouted against the screaming wind "I'm here to see Dr Lovebody!!"
"You love what dear?"
"No I'm here to see Dr Lovebody!!, Dr Shirlington P Lovebody!!!"
"You love somebody called Shirley? That's nice dear, after all love is the law."
She then slammed the door shut.
The wind whisked away my obscenities, no doubt delivering the stolen words to someone sat somewhere far below the cliff top enjoying a soon to be interrupted quiet moment.
I knocked again.
"Oh hello! Back again? How's Shirley?"
I gestured for her to let me in, she shrugged and heaved her huge frame to one side to allow me entrance. I stepped into the warmth of the retreat, and tried in vain to remove my haystack hair from my stinging eyes, as she slammed the door shut behind me.
She swung her voluminous frame back before me and with a nose wrinkled in disgust she said "Well dear?"
Realising I had offended her olfactory senses with my sudden shit/vomit encrusted appearance
I stammered through blue lips "Fe...fe...fell off......path...maybe vomit...shit...I...sorry...I don't know."
She gave me a kind look that all at once said 'You poor unfortunate creature' and 'Jesus!! that's definitely shit'
She put a wary but comforting hand onto my cold wet shoulder "Are you the chappy from that Story news directly to you thingy?"
I nodded, unable but desperately wanting to correct her.
"You come through here love and sit by the fire and I'll tell the doctor you are here."
She guided me slowly into a huge armchair before the roaring fire in what I guessed was the doctor's study.
"You sit yourself down and warm up and I'll get you something dry to wear."
She disappeared.
The fire had started to inject some feeling back into my body now, and as I gazed around the tidy but haphazard room the woman reappeared holding some type of purple kaftan arrangement.
"Get out of those wet clothes, this should fit you."
I stared in horror at the offered garment "No honestly, I'll be fine now, I just needed to warm up."
"Nonsense, Come on Mr!! clothes off."
"No honestly, I'll be alright."
"Don't be a naughty little soldier, clothes off."
Before I could protest further she had stood me up and was busy removing my jacket, by the time my next protestations had left my mouth I was semi naked and holding tightly onto the top of my trousers.
"Well you are a shy one aren't you! I've never seen so much fuss about changing clothes!"
I fought her for control of my trouser zip "I'm okay honestly!!"
"Don't be a silly boy, you don't have to be shy with me I can assure you I have seen plenty of what you are hiding down there!"
"I don't want to take my trousers off!!"
"Nonsense!" And with that I was stood naked before her self satisfied smile.
She ran her homely eyes over my shivering pale white body "I can see why you were a little shy, he's a tiny little fellow isn't he!"
I looked behind me, figuring she was referring to some newly arrived dwarf, seeing none I followed her pitying glance down to my shriveled manhood "It's not always like that!! I'm cold!!"
She removed her eyes from its cowering ineptitude and gave me a reassuring smile "Course you are dear."
"I am!! It's bloody freezing out there!!"
"Yes it is quite cold dear."
"Well yeah, so that's why it looks like that."
"Like an emaciated Eskimo?"
"Well I wouldn't have put it quite like that, but yeah."
"I believe you."
"It's normally much bigger."
"I'm sure it is dear."
"It is!!"
She handed me the kaftan and I became the first person in the history of clothing to be grateful for a purple kaftan.
"I'll put your clothes through the washer and drier, sit yourself down the doctor will be with you shortly."
"Why you calling me shortly??"
"I'm not, I'm just saying the doctor will be with you in a short while."
"Oh, okay."
She left me to luxuriate in my new found kaftan happiness before the crackling bliss of the open fire.

Twenty minutes later, a soft poke in the side of my head returned me from the slack embrace of Morpheus and instantly into the cluttered, but comfortable study. I looked sideways at the finger that was poking me into the world and before it could poke again, I flinched and glared at its owner.
The man prodding me back into the world of solids was none other than Dr Shirlington P Lovebody, purple kafataned mystic and heavily qualified visionary.
The doctor stroked his long Grey beard "I'm sorry son, did I startle you?"
I rubbed the stray sleep from my eyes "No, not at all, I was just preparing my interview notes."
The doctor fell for my cunning ruse and seated himself cross legged on the floor by my chair.
I looked down onto his bald pate "You want this chair?"
He beamed a subtle almost transcendental smile "No I'm fine here, chairs are part of my old life now. I prefer to be connected to mother earth and let her send her vibrant love energy up through my anal portal and into my cerebral cortex."
"Oh, errr...right, sorry that has thrown me a bit...errrr.....so tell me about your Saint Paul moment."
The doctor fluidly spun his fingers into some kind of ancient mediative position "Well it all began five years ago, I was doing brilliant, almost revolutionary work in the field of Neuro science and had, as I'm sure you can imagine, achieved a very comfortable lifestyle. I had all a man could wish for..."
"You had champagne fountains, sexual pandas and a monkey butler??? Wow!!!"
He cocked his head to one side "Errr..No."
"Well with all due respect doctor, you might have been doing well but you certainly didn't have it all."
He gave me a look I had seen many times before and continued on "Well as I was saying, I had....nearly everything a man could wish for, but deep inside I still felt a great unhappiness it would sometimes surge up and engulf me with the realisation that life was a just pointless series of futile moments punctuated by tiny diamonds of happiness. One day after one of these nihilistic episodes I heard a voice calling out to me...Shirlingtonnnnn.....Shirlingtonnnnnn......Shirlingtonnnnnnnn."
I interrupted his echoing flow "You'd left the phone off the hook?"
"No, It was God."
"On the phone?"
"No you idiot, this was inside my head."
"So you're the one hearing voices and you have the cheek to call me an idiot."
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you an idiot."
"Just for your information, I'm not an idiot actually."
"No I didn't mean it honestly."
"I got three, count them THREE!!" I held up four fingers to further illustrate my point "Three GCSE'S"
"Well yes, you're obviously a cultured and educated man and I honestly meant no offence to you."
"Well that's alright then."
He straightened his back, brushed back his long Grey beard and continued "Where was I?"
"You were on the phone to someone claiming to be god."
"You really have three GCSE'S?"
"What are they in?"
"Woodwork, P.E and interpretive dance."
"Oh right...... anyway I was on the phone to God and told me in no uncertain terms that I was to immediately leave London, travel up here, build my commune and await further instructions, regarding the true nature of the universe. Of course I immediately obeyed and have been here for the last five years awaiting his next revelation."
"Why Scarborough?"
"I don't know, that puzzled me too."
"You would think this God character would choose somewhere more spiritually uplifting."
"Yeah, you would think so wouldn't you."
"Are you sure you didn't mishear him? Maybe he said go to Skegness."
"God doesn't stutter."
"No I suppose not, so what's all this love is the law business about?"
"Well that was his initial revelation to me."
"This was in the first phone call?"
"So what's he say?"
"He said 'Let this truth be known, there is only one law and the law of the universe is love'"
"Quite vague then."
"Well not really, if you think about it its a very profound statement that reaches into the very heart of mans quest for the ultimate knowledge of himself and the universe surrounding him."
I thought about it for a moment "Nah."
"What you mean nah?"
"Well if someone told me to give up my sex pandas, champagne fountains and monkey butler and go all the way to Scarborough, I'd want a better reason than that."
"You don't question the divine essence of the universe."
"I would."
"Well I'm obviously not as smart as you, am I."
"Obviously not."
"Do you have everything you need now? It's time for my mid day meditation session now."
I stood up and smoothed down my regal kaftan "Can I keep this? I'm getting quite into it now."
He stood and placed his hand into mine "Course you can, do you want me to get Audrey to put your other clothes into a carrier bag for you?"
"Nah, just burn them I'm gonna start wearing these all the time now. You get a lot of refreshing air round your bits don't you."
"You do indeed, can cool the little fellow right down."
"What you mean by that???"
"She said something didn't she?"
"Bloody Audrey!! I was cold and wet, you know about shrinkage don't you?"
"Of course, but I can promise you she didn't say anything I was just making small talk."
"Whats that supposed to mean???"
"Nothing! your being a little paranoid now, which leads me to believe that you do actually have a small penis and there was very little, if any, shrinkage at all."
"Thats a god damn lie take it back!!!!"
"I'm sorry, I was only kidding around with you, Audrey actually said she could tell that it would be a monster given the right conditions and a favourable wind."
"Did she?"
"Yeah, she made it abundantly clear how impressed she thought she might be if she were ever to see it under more advantageous conditions."
The doctor graciously opened the front door for me and gently prodded me out into the howling North sea gale.
"That's right!!! It is more than average in the right conditions!!"
The doctor nodded, waved and shouted "Watch that stone behind you!!!" before slamming shut the door to his deity appointed commune.
"What stone?"


deathsweep said...

Very interesting, after I read your articles I often wonder where you get such tantalizing material. So a kaftan keeps your bits cool huh? Might give that a try myself.

Aningeniousname said...

I'd advise against the kaftan they are very addictive I haven't taken mine off yet, as for the material its all true, every word, I swear!!

Agnes Mildew said...

I never cease to be stunned by the lengths you go to for your research, Sir. I am so utterly impressed by your reporting skills and the sacrifices you will make. Did you fancy Audrey, then?

Aningeniousname said...

I make it my policy never to date women with breasts bigger than a Rottweiler's head, I feel it's a terrible waste.