News direct meets Reese Witherspoon

As regular readers will know we here at News direct are continually striving to give our valued readership the very best in not just global news and opinion but also top notch interviews with the world's movers and shakers in the fields of politics, art, science, show business and sport.

So it is a little embarrassing to have to announce that todays interview is with Hollywood "super star" Reese "the chin" Witherspoon.
I know the majority of our readers will no doubt exclaim, like I did when I found out I had to interview her, why the bloody hell would anybody want to any spend time reading about chinny ?????
And the answer to that is, if you don't you're sacked! Which I guess isn't much of a threat to you the reader but it did make a big difference to me, anyway here it is.


ND- Reese Witherspoon. Hollywood actress, fashion icon, girl next door, blah blah blah. Alright?

RW- Gee I'm like soooooo happy to be here in London, this city just rocks. I love those beef eaters and Carnaby street and ohhhhhh my god those red buses are like faboulous!!!! I'm just soooooooooooooo excited. I was like doh!!!! Reese this is like London!!!!!Hellooooooo!!!! What would you expect to see in London!!!!!!

ND- Yeah great.

RW-And like ohhhhhhhhhh my god could that Prince William guy be any cuter???????? You know my friend Lydia, when she heard I was coming to London she was like "Oh myyyyyy god Reese what if you like met that Prince William guy and like married him!!!! You would be like the wife of the President of Europe!!!!!!!" And I was like ohhhhhhh my god that would be like sooooooo cool!!!!!!!

ND- Yeah great.

RW-What? My newest movie? Sure I don't mind talking about it! It's a romantic comedy about a girl next door type played by me called "Illegally cute!"
I decided to do a lighter film after my brilliant but dark Oscar winning performance in Walk the line, I like decided that people like wanted to see good ole Reese as good ole Reese!
Walk the line? Oh I'm like soooooooo glad you asked about that!!!!! It's a film I like really treasure and working with that guy who was in it with me was a very non bogus experience.
When they like first asked me to do it I was like no way!!! I didn't even know who Johnny Money was!!! But then they like offered me loads of money and I was like Doh!!!!!And then when they like gave me an Oscar I was like ohhhhhh my god thanks!!!

ND-Yeah great.

RW-Where do I see my career going in the future? Ohhhhhhh my god I like sooooooo don't know, but I would like definitely like to do more films, cos they like give you loads of money and other cool stuff like awards and stuff and one time right, I was like going to that Oscars thing right? And they like gave me designer clothes to wear!!!!! I didn't even have to pay for them and my friend Lydia was like" ohhhh my god Reese that is soooooo cool, they like gave you designer stuff free!!!!!" And I was like I know!!!!!!! How cool is that!!!!!!!

ND- Your chin really is massive, I knew it was big from seeing it in pictures but close up it's huge, it looks like it should have its own satellites. If not it's own moons then it definitely needs its own postcode. In fact it's not just your chin, your whole head is huge! You look like a melon stuck on a pencil.

RW- How long will I be in London? Oh just a few days, Reese unhappy boo hoo. I like wish I could live here, it's sooooo cool and if you like had movies and TV and stuff I totally swear I would!! I'm not kidding!!! I sooooo would!!!! I would!!!!! Honest!!!! I sooooooo would!!!!!

ND-I cant take my eyes off your grotesquely deformed face, when you see it up on the big screen you think to yourself, ok it is gonna look big because its up there on a big screen, but Jesus Christ in real life you look like you are on a big screen! Looking at you is like watching you on Imax.

RW-What? What did you say????? I am sooooooo not telling you about my love life!!! You're bad!!!! I'm like at a place right now where I'm not actively seeking love but if it comes along I won't like say no. It's like my friend Lydia says "Hellooooooo, guys are like great but I'm not gonna like go chasing them and then like cry if I don't like get one, helloooooo!!!"

ND-Yeah great, melon head.

RW-Music???? I'm like sooooo glad you asked me that!!!!! I like have a single out next month in the states called "Why does the world love me" It's a hip hop/country/jungle/R and B style rock song about the pressures of being Reese Witherspoon. People are like "Reese!!!! We knew you were great at doing like films and stuff, but music!!!!!! Are you like some kind of like genius!!! Like that ninja turtle, Leonardo, who did all them paintings and stuff!!!!" And I'm like Doh!!!! I have been into music like forever!!! Even before I did like acting and stuff!!!

ND- Jesus Christ, my legs have gone numb.

RW- It's been a real pleasure to meet you too!!!! Like if you ever come to LA you should sooooo look me up!!! I could show you some shops YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE!!!!!!! No I mean it!!!!
YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!.

At this point one of Ms Witherspoon's people stood her up and led her still chattering towards the door.
I'm sorry.

Acme brides: An expose!

Man is a simple creature, he works, he eats, he drinks, he sleeps and he has done this with a monotonous clockwork rhythm ever since the mist shrouded beginnings of recorded time.
Is it an inbuilt metronome that swings him into these daily actions? Some innate instinct passed surreptitiously down through his genes?
No.
The reason for man's seemingly natural actions is of course woman and more specifically wife.

No one knows when the institution of marriage first appeared but the earliest known references to this peculiar ritual appear in Sumerian cuneiform tablets dating from around 5000 BC, a rough translation of which gives us this tantalising glimpse of ancient marriage:

"And so the great king did say unto (Missing word)....thou have placed your arrow shaft into yon virgin's gourd, now thou must promise to doest as she tells thou and buyest all her foot wear (Missing passage)..... if thou does not do these things we will cut off your arrow and boilest thou in the oil of ten camels!"

So it seems that man has needed this mutually advantageous contract since the very beginnings of civilisation, indeed it is maybe even the very bedrock of our modern day civilisation.
Nowadays our fast paced lifestyles and isolated urban existences seem to have separated some men from the necessary contract of marriage, leaving them stranded in a sea of filth, instant noodles and internet porn.
Luckily for these poor unfortunates the marriage agency has sprung into much needed existence as an essential aid in the elimination of unwanted bachelorhood.

News direct decided the world needed to know more about these essential tools of modern love and asked me to delve into my box of undercover disguises and pretend to be a sad unlovable wretch so desperate for love that he would resort to the seedy world of the marriage agency.
I started my investigation by trawling the phone book. After F for fanny didn't turn up any promising leads, I then tried M for marriage and stumbled upon a veritable treasure trove of possible leads.
I decided to start where you're supposed to and made an appointment at a place called Acme brides, which had the intriguing motto of "If you don't get laid (for life) we don't get paid!"

Acme brides was conveniently placed atop a mini cab firm in deepest darkest south Leeds, only a discreet hand written crayon sign gave any clue that the steep unlit and uncarpeted stairs before me had been the stairway to heaven for so many of life's saddest losers and desperate geeks.
I climbed the stairs, after checking no one I knew had seen me, and came to a thin paint peeled door with another elegant crayon written sign bearing the legend:

Not the toilet!!!!
Acme brides
Stopping suicides since 1984
(Not affiliated with Acme medical supplies)

I pushed softly on the door, afraid of taking it off its rusting hinges, then pushed again harder because the frayed carpet under the door had gathered up into a foot worn conspiracy to deny me access to this temple of marital bliss.
A voice called out from behind the door "Oi!! what are you trying to do!!"
I continued to push against the flimsy door "It's stuck! I'm behind the door and want to come in and get married"
"Well don't keep bloody pushing on it! You'll have the door off!!"
I felt some give in the door and gave it one last big push and then felt myself swoon into a sort of free fall weightlessness with nothing but the door guiding my passage to the inevitable floor.
I landed hard, star fished awkwardly across the floored door.
Before me behind an untidy desk sat the astonished face of a portly,slightly purple, balding middle aged man, whom I assumed was the owner of Acme brides.
He stared down at me.
I stared apologetically up at him from the traitorous carpet "It was stuck." I nodded at the carpet "On the carpet."
He stared down at me.
"Pushed it too hard I think.......I can't feel my testicles."
He stared down at me.
"I think I may be genitally paralysed, I'm not joking, I really can't feel my testicles."
He stared down at me, his violent purple face now mellowed into a slightly less memorable shade of puce.
I gingerly lifted myself from my spread eagled position into a more comfortable on all fours doggy style, to try to lift the mood I ventured "Bet this doesn't happen often! Does it?"
He stared at me.
I now maneuvered myself onto my knees and began to vigorously rub some sort of life back into my numb testicles "I've come for a wife."
"Get off my door!"
I looked behind me, then back at him "What?"
"Get off my door!!!!!" He was now turning, cuttlefish style, back to his previous violent purple, it was strangely beautiful.
I pulled my hand from the front of my pants and slowly stood up.
"Get off my door!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"What?" I looked down "Oh yeah, sorry."
I stepped off his door, and out of politeness, I picked it up for him and took it over to where it used to be attached and leaned it against its one time neighbour, the wall.
"I'll just put it there shall I?"
He stared.
I made a face that I hoped said "Oops!, I'm such a klutz! But aren't we all sometimes!" And which I knew as soon as it had appeared on my face was more like "Ha! I have just knocked your door off it's hinges and I'm not bothered, in fact I find it hugely amusing, because I believe you to be a twat!"
He stared.

We hadn't got off to the best of starts but in a strange way I think the door accident had helped me to establish my undercover persona as a sad and bumbling bachelor desperate for love.
I pointed towards the plastic chair in front of his desk "There?"
At the sound of my voice he took his eyes from his now leaning door, skipped them off me, onto the chair and sort of grunted as he slid down into his own much more comfortable chair.
"Sorry about the door."
He shook his head, slowly wiped a hand over his face and sighed "What can I do for you Mr...?"
I smiled my best smile "Mr Hart, Johnathan Hart."
A look of puzzlement drifted quickly across his face at the sound of my name but by the grace of god and my brilliant forward planning my disguise held.
"So what can we here at Acme brides do for you...Mr Hart?"
I smiled inwardly with the intense satisfaction that another cunning persona had entered the world fully formed and ready to investigate "Well Mr..?"
"Mr Steele, Remington Steele."
I narrowed my now suspicious eyes "Well .......Mr Steele, I won't lie to you or beat around the bush, the fact is that I'm a multi millionaire businessman and I have decided that after a lifetime of cigars and scotch stained board room deals that it is finally time that I settled down and got myself some legally bound pussy." I smiled.
"Mr Hart, we are not a knocking shop, we don't do "legally bound pussy" we are a reputable bureau du amour, a resource for the time poor bachelor, a service to the community."
"Oh yes, of course I fully understand Mr Steele." I winked.

This wasn't really going how I'd hoped it would so I cleverly changed tack "How About I tell you what I'm looking for and we can go from there?"
Mr Steele sighed and nodded his agreement.
"Right what I'm looking for is something with very large breasts." I clawed my hands in front of my chest to give him some indication of an acceptable size."
He shook his head slowly as I carried on "an even temper and an O level in cookery if possible......but obviously the last two requirements aren't compulsory, but I will not negotiate on breast size!"
"Mr Hart."
"Yes?"
"Get out of my office."
"Pardon?"
"You heard me, get out of my office."
"But I want legal love!!!!"
He stood up and pointed at the open space where his door used to be "Out!"
"Just gimme one of your fat ones then!! I'm not fussy!!!"
He then unexpectedly lunged at me across his paper strewn desk and I quickly decided my impenetrable cover as Johnathan Hart multi millionaire industrialist had been blown and he now suspected I was Britain's top investigative reporter.

I made quickly for the stairs and took all thirty two of them in four giant strides, and before Mr Steele could even reach the bottom stair I was off and away down the crowded high street like a investigative cheetah on amphetamines.
Sometimes undercover work is a dirty and dangerous business, but if it helps bring the stories that matter to the people that matter (That's you) I'm willing to do it.

Yorkshire day

"Ow much did tha' say it were? I'm not paying tha"
Unknown Yorkshire man.

As most intelligent right thinking normal people will no doubt know, The first of august is one of the most important dates chiseled into the metaphorical face of the Gregorian calendar.
It is of course Yorkshire day, a semi religious bank holiday for all of the folks lucky enough to have appeared from between their mothers legs within the Borders of god's own county.

To mark Yorkshire day News direct has put together this short but informative history of "The most magical place on earth." (What's that? That's Disney's Trademarked logo? Well Disney can kiss my hairy Yorkshire arse!)

For those who don't know or are, god forbid foreign, Yorkshire is England's largest county and was first created by the lord god almighty himself on, I think, the first Thursday after he had made the things "that creepeth upon the groundeth and the things that flyeth in the skyeth."
But the holy connections do not stop at Yorkshire being one of the first places ever created, a majority of the world's biblical scholars now believe that the garden of Eden was situated somewhere within the rolling fertile farmlands of East Yorkshire. One possible site muted as the geographical centre was the tiny village of Wetwang, mostly due to their being a large apple tree on the village green and the fact that the landlord of the local pub is called Adam and his "wife" is called Steve.

Having had such illustrious beginnings one might expect the flat vowelled demi gods lucky enough to have been born within this green and pleasant land to be boorish insular braggarts, intent upon impressing their way of thinking onto those poor unfortunates the Yorkshire people call "Them there outsiders"
You might expect this, but nothing could be further from the truth it has been scientifically proven by scientists working at NASA'S jet propulsion labs in Pasadena, that Yorkshire people are the nicest people in the whole of the world, beating out the whale breathed Inuit people by over ten science points.

Yorkshire's integral place within the scheme of god's creation has subsequently been reinforced by the discovery of a small stable deep in the Yorkshire dales that scientists have now confirmed may once have belonged to a Jewish carpenter with a beard.
This connection to the Jews may also have contributed to the widespread myth that Yorkshire people are, shall we say, careful with their money, for like the Jewish people we too have been tarred with the stigma of avarice.
That's not to say this reputation is totally unfounded in hard scientific fact because it is well known that the only way to get a Yorkshire man to buy you a drink is to buy him a pub, marry his daughter or kill a Lancashire man. Do all three and he may just make it a double.

This brings me to one of Satan's foulest creations, Lancashire. The very name drips with all that is evil and wrong in the world which is how it has been since the beginning of time immemorial, in fact up until 1782 Satan's county was called pedoshire.
It is maybe some grand cosmic joke that made the good lord place this foul den of inequity next to the glorious Jerusalem of Yorkshire or maybe he just wanted to show the peoples of the earth the contrasts between his magnificent glory and the dark light of Beelzebub, we can never know.

In wrapping up this short tribute to the world's most important place, I'd just like to say to anybody thinking of moving to Yorkshire, don't bother we are full.