Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Yorkshire day

"Ow much did tha' say it were? I'm not paying tha"
Unknown Yorkshire man.

As most intelligent right thinking normal people will no doubt know, The first of august is one of the most important dates chiseled into the metaphorical face of the Gregorian calendar.
It is of course Yorkshire day, a semi religious bank holiday for all of the folks lucky enough to have appeared from between their mothers legs within the Borders of god's own county.

To mark Yorkshire day News direct has put together this short but informative history of "The most magical place on earth." (What's that? That's Disney's Trademarked logo? Well Disney can kiss my hairy Yorkshire arse!)

For those who don't know or are, god forbid foreign, Yorkshire is England's largest county and was first created by the lord god almighty himself on, I think, the first Thursday after he had made the things "that creepeth upon the groundeth and the things that flyeth in the skyeth."
But the holy connections do not stop at Yorkshire being one of the first places ever created, a majority of the world's biblical scholars now believe that the garden of Eden was situated somewhere within the rolling fertile farmlands of East Yorkshire. One possible site muted as the geographical centre was the tiny village of Wetwang, mostly due to their being a large apple tree on the village green and the fact that the landlord of the local pub is called Adam and his "wife" is called Steve.

Having had such illustrious beginnings one might expect the flat vowelled demi gods lucky enough to have been born within this green and pleasant land to be boorish insular braggarts, intent upon impressing their way of thinking onto those poor unfortunates the Yorkshire people call "Them there outsiders"
You might expect this, but nothing could be further from the truth it has been scientifically proven by scientists working at NASA'S jet propulsion labs in Pasadena, that Yorkshire people are the nicest people in the whole of the world, beating out the whale breathed Inuit people by over ten science points.

Yorkshire's integral place within the scheme of god's creation has subsequently been reinforced by the discovery of a small stable deep in the Yorkshire dales that scientists have now confirmed may once have belonged to a Jewish carpenter with a beard.
This connection to the Jews may also have contributed to the widespread myth that Yorkshire people are, shall we say, careful with their money, for like the Jewish people we too have been tarred with the stigma of avarice.
That's not to say this reputation is totally unfounded in hard scientific fact because it is well known that the only way to get a Yorkshire man to buy you a drink is to buy him a pub, marry his daughter or kill a Lancashire man. Do all three and he may just make it a double.

This brings me to one of Satan's foulest creations, Lancashire. The very name drips with all that is evil and wrong in the world which is how it has been since the beginning of time immemorial, in fact up until 1782 Satan's county was called pedoshire.
It is maybe some grand cosmic joke that made the good lord place this foul den of inequity next to the glorious Jerusalem of Yorkshire or maybe he just wanted to show the peoples of the earth the contrasts between his magnificent glory and the dark light of Beelzebub, we can never know.

In wrapping up this short tribute to the world's most important place, I'd just like to say to anybody thinking of moving to Yorkshire, don't bother we are full.

8 comments:

Chester said...

HapiBlogging to you my friend! Have a nice day!

Aningeniousname said...

Hooray! my first spam comment, obviously I knew this day would come and I was as nervous as a virgin midget bride on her wedding night waiting for it.
Thank you so much Chester for making it a gentle and wonderful experience.

kdawg68 said...

Adam and Steve, eh. Interesting. I had always thougth that the original Eden was a place where Viking women ran around sans clothing swilling massed quantities of beer.

Wait a minute...that might have been yorkshire in the 1300's!!! :)

Aningeniousname said...

I think that Eden has only ever existed in the filthy twilight of your depraved day dreams.

Dougist said...

You see now, you learn something new every day...we were pretty sure that god made Manhattan on the first Wednesday after he had made the things "that creepeth upon the groundeth and the things that flyeth in the skyeth." The creep'n and fly'n is done over in Brooklyn.

How 'bout that...

Agnes Mildew said...

I got a passport to Yorkshire back in the 90s and lived in God's own country for a fair few years. I've even married two Yorkshiremen - although not at the same time, I hasten to add. Definitely one of my favourite places. Infinitely nicer than Cheshire where I am now stuck. Thank Christ for the M62...
I hope you get another famous interview up soon. I await these with eager anticipation.

Aningeniousname said...

@Dougist, where's Manhattan?

Aningeniousname said...

@Agnes
Good to see you back Mrs Mildew, hope married life is treating you well. I have a very special interview lined up for next week, so watch this space!