Wednesday, 3 September 2008

News direct meets Reese Witherspoon

As regular readers will know we here at News direct are continually striving to give our valued readership the very best in not just global news and opinion but also top notch interviews with the world's movers and shakers in the fields of politics, art, science, show business and sport.

So it is a little embarrassing to have to announce that todays interview is with Hollywood "super star" Reese "the chin" Witherspoon.
I know the majority of our readers will no doubt exclaim, like I did when I found out I had to interview her, why the bloody hell would anybody want to any spend time reading about chinny ?????
And the answer to that is, if you don't you're sacked! Which I guess isn't much of a threat to you the reader but it did make a big difference to me, anyway here it is.


ND- Reese Witherspoon. Hollywood actress, fashion icon, girl next door, blah blah blah. Alright?

RW- Gee I'm like soooooo happy to be here in London, this city just rocks. I love those beef eaters and Carnaby street and ohhhhhh my god those red buses are like faboulous!!!! I'm just soooooooooooooo excited. I was like doh!!!! Reese this is like London!!!!!Hellooooooo!!!! What would you expect to see in London!!!!!!

ND- Yeah great.

RW-And like ohhhhhhhhhh my god could that Prince William guy be any cuter???????? You know my friend Lydia, when she heard I was coming to London she was like "Oh myyyyyy god Reese what if you like met that Prince William guy and like married him!!!! You would be like the wife of the President of Europe!!!!!!!" And I was like ohhhhhhh my god that would be like sooooooo cool!!!!!!!

ND- Yeah great.

RW-What? My newest movie? Sure I don't mind talking about it! It's a romantic comedy about a girl next door type played by me called "Illegally cute!"
I decided to do a lighter film after my brilliant but dark Oscar winning performance in Walk the line, I like decided that people like wanted to see good ole Reese as good ole Reese!
Walk the line? Oh I'm like soooooooo glad you asked about that!!!!! It's a film I like really treasure and working with that guy who was in it with me was a very non bogus experience.
When they like first asked me to do it I was like no way!!! I didn't even know who Johnny Money was!!! But then they like offered me loads of money and I was like Doh!!!!!And then when they like gave me an Oscar I was like ohhhhhh my god thanks!!!

ND-Yeah great.

RW-Where do I see my career going in the future? Ohhhhhhh my god I like sooooooo don't know, but I would like definitely like to do more films, cos they like give you loads of money and other cool stuff like awards and stuff and one time right, I was like going to that Oscars thing right? And they like gave me designer clothes to wear!!!!! I didn't even have to pay for them and my friend Lydia was like" ohhhh my god Reese that is soooooo cool, they like gave you designer stuff free!!!!!" And I was like I know!!!!!!! How cool is that!!!!!!!

ND- Your chin really is massive, I knew it was big from seeing it in pictures but close up it's huge, it looks like it should have its own satellites. If not it's own moons then it definitely needs its own postcode. In fact it's not just your chin, your whole head is huge! You look like a melon stuck on a pencil.

RW- How long will I be in London? Oh just a few days, Reese unhappy boo hoo. I like wish I could live here, it's sooooo cool and if you like had movies and TV and stuff I totally swear I would!! I'm not kidding!!! I sooooo would!!!! I would!!!!! Honest!!!! I sooooooo would!!!!!

ND-I cant take my eyes off your grotesquely deformed face, when you see it up on the big screen you think to yourself, ok it is gonna look big because its up there on a big screen, but Jesus Christ in real life you look like you are on a big screen! Looking at you is like watching you on Imax.

RW-What? What did you say????? I am sooooooo not telling you about my love life!!! You're bad!!!! I'm like at a place right now where I'm not actively seeking love but if it comes along I won't like say no. It's like my friend Lydia says "Hellooooooo, guys are like great but I'm not gonna like go chasing them and then like cry if I don't like get one, helloooooo!!!"

ND-Yeah great, melon head.

RW-Music???? I'm like sooooo glad you asked me that!!!!! I like have a single out next month in the states called "Why does the world love me" It's a hip hop/country/jungle/R and B style rock song about the pressures of being Reese Witherspoon. People are like "Reese!!!! We knew you were great at doing like films and stuff, but music!!!!!! Are you like some kind of like genius!!! Like that ninja turtle, Leonardo, who did all them paintings and stuff!!!!" And I'm like Doh!!!! I have been into music like forever!!! Even before I did like acting and stuff!!!

ND- Jesus Christ, my legs have gone numb.

RW- It's been a real pleasure to meet you too!!!! Like if you ever come to LA you should sooooo look me up!!! I could show you some shops YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE!!!!!!! No I mean it!!!!
YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!.

At this point one of Ms Witherspoon's people stood her up and led her still chattering towards the door.
I'm sorry.

5 comments:

timethief said...

Eeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuwwwwwww!!!! Is that a chin or a garden trowel? You must be in need of therapy after an interview with such a deep young woman. Reese makes me dizzy and provokes headaches. The youth vibes are far to much for me.

Aningeniousname said...

I keep waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat shouting "Chin!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Agnes Mildew said...

Did it take you long to prep those questions, being such a thorough journalist?
I guess it's a longer interview than one with Meg Ryan though.
Fantastic insult, by the way - 'needs its own postcode'. I'm afraid I will be plagiarising that one with reference to my nasally well-endowed ex. Thanks!

Aningeniousname said...

I spend the same amount of time preparing each interview, first I spend six to eight months looking into their family history. After I have a thorough background only then can I start to craft my finely tuned questions.
It's an art form.

harvey said...

I've never heard her speak, but many Hollywood actors are air heads, so it's all quite credible! ;)