Great figures in history- Elizabeth the first

Today News direct's historical attention has turned towards Gloriana, Queen Elizabeth the first, last of England's Tudor monarchs and of course England’s most famous slut.

Elizabeth's story must of course begin in 1533 (that's the year, not thirty three minutes past three) when she was born of humble parents in the small fishing village of Hull in East Yorkshire.
Her father, a codpiece salesman from Wolverhampton, had fervently hoped for a son he could tutor in the ways of codpiecery and was said to have indignantly declared 'Oh fuck, not another girl! Throw her into the pile with the rest of them.'

But it was from these humble and inauspicious beginnings that Elizabeth would rise to be England's first ginger Queen and the first ever woman to captain an FA cup winning team, considerable achievements for what her father had initially called 'Another bloody split arse to feed!'
What made Elizabeth's rise all the more incredible was the complete and utter absence of royal blood flowing through her common ginger veins.
But just five short years after Elizabeth's birth, revolution was to rock the hitherto stable kingdom and events were such that, incredibly, her father was voted into the kingship, primarily on the virtue of his having assembled a huge army and the fact that he publicly executed anyone who disagreed with him.

It was during her father's stewardship of the country that the young princess first started to become interested in association football, her first club being her hometown team whom she captained to three consecutive league titles.
She was described in the Football association hand book as a 'tough old fashioned centre half' and was known throughout the game as the 'Ginger butcher of the Humber'
Ironically it was this uncompromising attitude to the game that finally convinced her father that she had the right stuff to inherit his crown.
So it was to be five years after captaining Hull city to their first and only FA cup triumph that the seventeen year old became England's first and last ginger Queen.

But Elizabeth's incredible rise from unwanted daughter, to FA cup winning captain and then Queen was not without difficulties. No sooner had she mounted the throne word reached the palace that the dastardly Spanish were attempting to invade and unseat the newly crowned Queen and replace her with a nineteen year old waiter from Benidorm called Pepe.
Elizabeth, ever the footballing warrior drew on all her FA cup experience and assembled a vast army at Plymouth docks to meet the Spanish ferries shipping over King Phillip's army.
It was here outside the dirty sailor pub and bistro that Elizabeth gave her most famous speech in which she declared 'Although I am a weak and quite sluttish woman, I can assure you I have the cock of a King!'

As so often happens in matters of great importance, fate was to take a hand and by means of wind and waves deliver Elizabeth a great victory, she was later to say that the destruction of Phillip's great armada of ferries was second only to her FA cup triumph.
Now that the kingdom was safe from the foul olive oilery of those dastardly Spanish, Elizabeth was able to fully concentrate her energies towards her other great passion in life, cock.

Although it's a well known fact amongst even the uneducated among us that Gloriana was as they say "Cock happy" It's a little known fact that after 1600 she would only ever sleep with horses.
How this fascination for "Equine pursuits" came about we can only speculate, but in a private correspondence to her favoured horse dealer we can get a glimpse of the Queen's innermost thoughts on the subject

Dearest Bernard,
Thank you so much for the last stallion you sent, he really gave my ovaries a right royal bruising, I haven't squirted like that in years! What I'm looking for next time is something with a little less length and a bit more girth, I don't think my cervix could take another hammering like that!
Anyhow, hows the wife? Give her all my love won't you, I know you will you filthy old bastard!

Yours quite sorely,
Elizabeth the first,
Queen of all England and FA cup winning captain.

PS, I was just thinking imagine what future historians would say if they knew all about my filthy horse habit! Thank god movable type or any sort of electronic communication hasn't been invented yet.

We can now only speculate as to whether Bernard managed to procure Her majesty something more to her liking concerning girth, but I do think any serious student of history will agree that this hitherto unknown aspect of Elizabeth's private life sheds some welcome light onto one of history's less well known facets.

Not long after this charming letter was written Her majesty Queen Elizabeth the first of England died. The exact cause of her death isn't known and to tell you the truth I couldn't be bothered to look it up. So I'll just say it was.....oh I don't know......Typhoid.....yeah that will do. It was a severe case of typhoid that was to finally defeat the mighty dynasty of olde Tudor England.

News direct meets the Dalai lama

Regular readers of News direct will not be surprised by the awesome quality of today's special interviewee.
We have really pushed the boat out this easter and flown his holiness the Dalai lama over ten thousand miles from his luxurious
Himalayan retreat all the way to the News direct offices just so we can question him on your behalf.

News direct (sung)-Well hello Dalai! It's nice be back home where you belong, You're looking swell Dalai, I can tell Dalai....

Dalai lama-Pardon?

Nd- You know the song from the old film Hello dolly. You must have seen it, it's always on TV.

Dl-I'm sorry but I don't own a television.

Nd-You don't have a television!!!!

Dl-No.

Nd-Ohhh man!! What do you do????

Dl-When I'm not fulfilling my religious duties I spend my time meditating upon the profound mysteries of the universe.

Nd-Have you never even seen Pop idol???

Dl-No, I just told you I don't own a television.

Nd-Ohhh man Pop idol is the best, they get like these care in the community type people and let them audition to be pop stars. You'd love it, cos I believe you had to go through something similar to become the leader of the Muslim people didn't you?

Dl-I am not the leader of the Muslim people, I'm the Tibetan peoples spiritual guide.

Nd-Oh right, I thought you was a Muslim.

Dl-No, I'm a Bhuddist.

Nd-A what?

Dl-I'm a follower of the teachings of the great lord Bhudda.

Nd-The what?

Dl-The great lord Bhudda.

Nd-Nope, you've lost me.

Dl-Well as lord Bhudda himself said 'That which is lost must inevitably be found.'

Nd-Yeah great, I think we should really get this interview started now, I still can't believe you don't have a TV that's just mad, soooooo Dalai..... I can call you by your first name can't I?

Dl-As your Shakespeare said 'A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet'.

Nd-I thought you didn't have a telly!!!!

Dl- I don't, I have read Mr Shakespeare's works.

Nd-Oh you read a lot do you?

Dl-To read is to understand man and to understand man is to have true knowledge.

Nd-Never really got into reading much, though I did read Bravo two zero by Andy Mcnab, have you read that?

Dl-I don't believe I have no.

Nd-You should get it it's brilliant, he was like this SAS guy in the Gulf war and there is at least two killings on every page!!! It's awesome!!! Like there's one bit where he 'slots' four republican guards with just one bullet then somersaults over a wall and takes out six more with just his knife and his bare hands!!! You should get a copy in the airport for the flight home.

Dl-Lord Bhudda said 'Violence is the reaction of the foolish man to circumstances he does not comprehend' The law of karma negates violence as an option for the man who truly understands the universal laws of existence.

Nd-I think you can get it for about eight quid in paperback. If you can't get it in the airport try looking on Amazon they will definitely have it, hang on what's this karma thing? Isn't that something to do with gays?

Dl-Karma states that every action has a reaction and as the lord Jesus said 'What ye sow, so shall ye reap' violence begats violence.

Nd-I think you're mistaken on the Karma thing mate.

Dl-I think not my wise friend.

Nd-I think so.

Dl- And why do you believe I'm mistaken.

Nd-Well in the Boy George song he expressly says 'karma karma chameleon you come and go, you come and go' I believe it's about quick homosexual toilet sex. You want me to edit this bit of interview out? You've made yourself look a bit of a tit.

Dl-You must do as your conscience dictates.

Nd-Suit yourself, I'll leave it in, but don't come crying to me when you realise what a fool you look.

Dl-I trust my words will be seen for what they are.

Nd-That's why I was giving you option to change them! Anyway Dalai tell me about....where is it you're from again?

Dl-Tibet.

Nd-That's right Tibet, for some reason I was thinking you were from Toxeth.

Dl-No I'm from Tibet.

Nd-Yeah it's mad cos I was thinking he don't sound like he is from Liverpool.

Dl-That's because I am not, I am from Tibet.

Nd-Yeah well I know that now!! I was saying before I thought you were from Toxeth, if you don't mind me saying you can be a it slow sometimes.

Dl-No I don't mind, for sometimes is not the fool the cleverest person in the room?

Nd-Errrrrrrr.....no.

Dl-Well it has been lovely speaking to you but I'm afraid my schedule is such that I must conclude our enlightening chat.

Nd-Already!!! There's loads I haven't asked you yet!! You international superstars are all the same, haven't got time to give back to your fans!! Those are the people who made you, you know!!

Dl-I can spare you two more minutes.

Nd-Ohhhh...errrrr.....ohhh your rushing me now and I can't think what I was going to ask you.

Dl-Calm your mind, let it become a calm pool in the wind of thought.

Nd-Right calm pool, right............what's your favourite colour?

Dl-All colour is just the result of light bouncing from an objects surface thus disguising the objects true nature, therefore I have no favourite colour as I'm a seeker of truth.

Nd-I like red.

Dl-Goodbye.

Nd-Yeah see ya mate! Don't forget!!! Bravo two zero it's by Andy Mcnab!!!! That's ANDY M-A-C-K-N-......M-A-C-K.....ohhhh just ask them at the counter they will know what you mean!

Some like it not

Hull- Standing quietly on the muddy banks of the vast Humber estuary, The city of Kingston upon Hull has a reputation forged through centuries of under achievement and downright weirdness as a strange wind torn, almost forgotten corner of England. It's the kind of place you wouldn't really want to go to unless you had to, kind of like the urban equivalent of the clinic for sexually transmitted diseases.

But the city's bad reputation and lack of visitors allied to an ever shrinking gene pool have made the people of this much maligned town decidedly different from even the people that occupy the rest of the glorious county of Yorkshire.
So in the name of exploration News direct decided to travel to this forgotten kingdom of the clinically unwell, to try to document this huge lump of concrete that proudly calls its self 'Yorkshire's fifth best city'.

My contact in Hull was local historian Mike Fotheringill, who I was to meet in Hull's most famous hostelry, The Nervous ferret.
Mike was a short bald man with a beard but that didn't put me off talking to him and minutes after meeting we were deep in conversation.
"Hull was founded here on the shores of the Humber around about the 8th century, Hull wasn't it's original name though."
"Was it not?
"Nah it was originally known by the Viking name of 'friesboogard stahl'"
"And what does that translate as?"
"Windy shit hole."
"So the city has had a bad reputation from the very beginning?"
"Oh yeah, the Vikings originally used it as a kind of mental health sanatorium."
"They built a hospital here?"
"Well not so much as a hospital, they mostly sailed up the Humber and dumped the mentally ill off here."
Mike finished the pint I had bought him only moments before and sat looking me in the eye while tapping the rim of his empty glass.
"Would you like another pint Mike?"
"Bloody hell I thought you'd never ask!"
After returning from the bar with Mike's vocal lubrication I asked "what are the people of Hull like?"
Mike drained half of the pint I'd just bought him, burped and said "Well we have a reputation as hard working, slightly quirky xenophobes with a distaste for spending."
"And is that reputation deserved?"
"On the whole I would say, yes but obviously you can't generalise about a whole city, my glass is empty by the way."
"Oh right, and do you think the people of Hull see themselves as very different from other people?"
Mike sat closed mouthed and feigned disinterest in me till I realised he was tapping the rim of is empty glass again.
"Can I get you another beer Mike?"
He immediately regained his animation "Oh that would be lovely your a real gent you are."

I returned a few minutes later with Mike's pint and placed it on the scratched table next to my untouched white wine and soda.
Mike eyed my drink suspiciously, before picking up his real man's drink and again draining most of it in one gulp.
"So mike, the people of Hull they see themselves as very different from the rest of Yorkshire?"
"Didn't they have any crisps?"
"What?"
"Behind the bar, is their some kind of national crisp shortage I haven't heard about?"
"You want a bag of crisps?"
"Oh that would be lovely thanks, salt and vinegar please."
I shook my head and stood up, Mike quickly drained the rest of his pint."
"Might as well get me another beer while you're there."

I made my way carefully back to our corner table and placed mike's new pint and a bag of crisps before him.
"Just the one bag?"
"You wanted two?"
"Well, no I didn't particularly want two bags, but it might have been nice."
"You want me to go back and get you another bag??"
"No, no I wouldn't dream of asking you to go back just for another bag of crisps."
I bent to resume my seat.
"But if you are going back you could get me some pork scratchings as well."
"So you want another bag of crisps and a packet of pork scratchings?"
"Only if you're going."
I stood again.
Mike drained what was left of his drink "You might as well get me another pint while your there."

I placed Mike's refreshments before him and before he could request anything else I pressed him of the question of the characteristics of Hull people.
"Well I believe it comes from our isolation and our spiritual connection to the sea, you see this was a seagoing town, until Thatcher decided to give our fishing rights to the mighty island nation of Iceland, this city was one of the world's top fishing ports.
A community forged by the hardships of the North sea is bound to set its self apart from others because it takes a special sort of person to make a living from such a dangerous trade."
"But isn't Hull more famous for car theft and drugs offences?"
"Well now it is yeah, but even those occupations are quite dangerous, so it is a really a continuation of our proud tradition of undertaking dirty and dangerous work."
"And it's this that makes you look down upon outsiders?"
"We don't so much look down on them as pity them."
"Why would you pity outsiders?"
"Well it's like my old dad used to say 'Son, you're not clever, you're not good looking, you're not even mildly interesting, but you are from Hull so you'll do for me kid.' That sort of sums up the Hull peoples attitudes I think."
"So what your saying is that you're stupid,ugly, dull people but you live in a geographically isolated corner of nowhere and that makes you all very special?"
"Yep!"

After managing to squeeze two more pints from me I said a fond farewell to Mike and his strange corner of nowhere.
Now wherever I go and whoever I meet in this strange world of ours, I will be eternally grateful that I will never again have any reason to visit 'Yorkshire's fifth best city'