Friday, 21 March 2008

News direct meets the Dalai lama

Regular readers of News direct will not be surprised by the awesome quality of today's special interviewee.
We have really pushed the boat out this easter and flown his holiness the Dalai lama over ten thousand miles from his luxurious
Himalayan retreat all the way to the News direct offices just so we can question him on your behalf.

News direct (sung)-Well hello Dalai! It's nice be back home where you belong, You're looking swell Dalai, I can tell Dalai....

Dalai lama-Pardon?

Nd- You know the song from the old film Hello dolly. You must have seen it, it's always on TV.

Dl-I'm sorry but I don't own a television.

Nd-You don't have a television!!!!


Nd-Ohhh man!! What do you do????

Dl-When I'm not fulfilling my religious duties I spend my time meditating upon the profound mysteries of the universe.

Nd-Have you never even seen Pop idol???

Dl-No, I just told you I don't own a television.

Nd-Ohhh man Pop idol is the best, they get like these care in the community type people and let them audition to be pop stars. You'd love it, cos I believe you had to go through something similar to become the leader of the Muslim people didn't you?

Dl-I am not the leader of the Muslim people, I'm the Tibetan peoples spiritual guide.

Nd-Oh right, I thought you was a Muslim.

Dl-No, I'm a Bhuddist.

Nd-A what?

Dl-I'm a follower of the teachings of the great lord Bhudda.

Nd-The what?

Dl-The great lord Bhudda.

Nd-Nope, you've lost me.

Dl-Well as lord Bhudda himself said 'That which is lost must inevitably be found.'

Nd-Yeah great, I think we should really get this interview started now, I still can't believe you don't have a TV that's just mad, soooooo Dalai..... I can call you by your first name can't I?

Dl-As your Shakespeare said 'A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet'.

Nd-I thought you didn't have a telly!!!!

Dl- I don't, I have read Mr Shakespeare's works.

Nd-Oh you read a lot do you?

Dl-To read is to understand man and to understand man is to have true knowledge.

Nd-Never really got into reading much, though I did read Bravo two zero by Andy Mcnab, have you read that?

Dl-I don't believe I have no.

Nd-You should get it it's brilliant, he was like this SAS guy in the Gulf war and there is at least two killings on every page!!! It's awesome!!! Like there's one bit where he 'slots' four republican guards with just one bullet then somersaults over a wall and takes out six more with just his knife and his bare hands!!! You should get a copy in the airport for the flight home.

Dl-Lord Bhudda said 'Violence is the reaction of the foolish man to circumstances he does not comprehend' The law of karma negates violence as an option for the man who truly understands the universal laws of existence.

Nd-I think you can get it for about eight quid in paperback. If you can't get it in the airport try looking on Amazon they will definitely have it, hang on what's this karma thing? Isn't that something to do with gays?

Dl-Karma states that every action has a reaction and as the lord Jesus said 'What ye sow, so shall ye reap' violence begats violence.

Nd-I think you're mistaken on the Karma thing mate.

Dl-I think not my wise friend.

Nd-I think so.

Dl- And why do you believe I'm mistaken.

Nd-Well in the Boy George song he expressly says 'karma karma chameleon you come and go, you come and go' I believe it's about quick homosexual toilet sex. You want me to edit this bit of interview out? You've made yourself look a bit of a tit.

Dl-You must do as your conscience dictates.

Nd-Suit yourself, I'll leave it in, but don't come crying to me when you realise what a fool you look.

Dl-I trust my words will be seen for what they are.

Nd-That's why I was giving you option to change them! Anyway Dalai tell me about....where is it you're from again?


Nd-That's right Tibet, for some reason I was thinking you were from Toxeth.

Dl-No I'm from Tibet.

Nd-Yeah it's mad cos I was thinking he don't sound like he is from Liverpool.

Dl-That's because I am not, I am from Tibet.

Nd-Yeah well I know that now!! I was saying before I thought you were from Toxeth, if you don't mind me saying you can be a it slow sometimes.

Dl-No I don't mind, for sometimes is not the fool the cleverest person in the room?

Dl-Well it has been lovely speaking to you but I'm afraid my schedule is such that I must conclude our enlightening chat.

Nd-Already!!! There's loads I haven't asked you yet!! You international superstars are all the same, haven't got time to give back to your fans!! Those are the people who made you, you know!!

Dl-I can spare you two more minutes.

Nd-Ohhhh...errrrr.....ohhh your rushing me now and I can't think what I was going to ask you.

Dl-Calm your mind, let it become a calm pool in the wind of thought.

Nd-Right calm pool, right............what's your favourite colour?

Dl-All colour is just the result of light bouncing from an objects surface thus disguising the objects true nature, therefore I have no favourite colour as I'm a seeker of truth.

Nd-I like red.


Nd-Yeah see ya mate! Don't forget!!! Bravo two zero it's by Andy Mcnab!!!! That's ANDY M-A-C-K-N-......M-A-C-K.....ohhhh just ask them at the counter they will know what you mean!


Matt said...

You've got some damn funny posts. Keep it up.

Speaking of keeping it up, why do you have a porn link at the bottom of the site?

Aningeniousname said...

It's not Porn it's marriage guidance.

Anonymous said...

Did the delightful Dalai-Lama do this interview before or after the riots in Tibet?

Aningeniousname said...

The interview took place during the riots but before his people agreed to the interview I was told that any mention of the riots would result in a walk out by his holiness. Apparently he is sick to death of talking about Tibet and wants to concentrate on boosting his profile in under developed markets.