Wednesday, 10 October 2007

News direct meets Sharon Stone

News direct has done it again! Not content with bringing you exclusive interviews from the Beatles, Blair and Beckham, we have gone one better and moved on the s's. Well seventeen better, no fifteen, anyway it's better!

Hollywood superstar Sharon Stone actually rang us here at News direct and practically begged for us to interview her, being big fans of Sharon's work we agreed to let her give her first press interview in almost six years.

News direct- Sharon It's an absolute pleasure to meet you. How long have you been a fan?
Sharon Stone- A fan of what?
Nd- News direct!
SS- Thats your website??
Nd- Yeah.
SS- To be honest with you I've never heard of it.
Nd- No need to be rude.
SS- I was told on the telephone you wanted to give me an award and I couldn't have it unless I came to the Hull Hilton, which by the way isn't a Hilton at all.
Nd- No it's a Hilmston, much nicer don't you think?
SS- It's certainly different, it's the first hotel I've ever stayed in that advises you to bring your own bedding.
Nd- That's because of the great crab outbreak of ninety seven, but anyway let's not dwell on the trivial, especially since you are not even paying for the hotel room. What was your favourite roll?
SS- Well I think I would have to say it was the film I made with Marty, Casino, it gave me a chance to stretch my artistic limits and really show the movie going public what I was capable of.
Nd- Pardon?
SS- I said Casino, the film I made with Martin Scorcese and Bobby De Niro, that would have to be my favourite role.
Nd- No, I think you have misunderstood me, I meant what was you favourite bread roll. They do a marvelous full English breakfast here, with a choice of four different rolls. I like the floury ones, baps I think they call them, really good to mop up the left over egg yolk when you have finished.
SS- I haven't had breakfast here.
Nd- Why not?
SS- I don't eat breakfast, I do an hour of advanced yoga before having a light lunch of fruit and water around one o' clock.
Nd- But we paid for your room with breakfast included.
SS- Sorry.
Nd- You should have said before we booked the room, that's an extra tenner we have paid for nothing.
SS- Sorry.
Nd- I would have just thought it would have been common courtesy, thats all. If you don't eat breakfast fine, just let people know.
SS- Well I would have thought it was common courtesy to not lure people to interviews on the false pretext of them receiving an award from the Prime Minister Lord Nelson for "acting abilities above and beyond the call of duty."
Nd- Well let's not get bogged down in recriminations of who said what and who didn't mention they were a fussy eater. Tell me about Basic Instinct.
SS- Well that was kind of a breakthrough part for me and I was lucky to be able to play against such a marvelous acting talent as Michael Douglas.
Nd- Did you do all your own sexual stunts or were you using stunt lesbians?
SS- Pardon?
Nd- Did you do all that dirty lezza stuff or did they pay more experienced lezzas to come in and do it for you?
SS- There is no such thing as a stunt lesbian and can you please take your hand off my knee?
Nd- Sorry
SS- And the other one.
Nd-Sorry, there is no such thing as a stunt lesbian? What would you do then if you had to do that thing where you lay opposite ends of the bed and rub your parts together in a scissor type motion?
SS- Well if the part called for that the actresses would do it. Your hand's on my leg again.
Nd- Is it?
SS- Yes.
Nd- Sorry, you'll be telling me next that wasn't your hairy vagina we all saw when you uncrossed your legs.
SS- It wasn't.
Nd- It wasn't?????
SS- Course not you cretin, we used a vagina double.
Nd- Well you or your film company, I don't know which owes me a new video player, I knackered mine trying to pause it at just the right moment and all for nothing.
SS- Do you honestly believe I would have shown my vagina in a film? I have an IQ of 157 and a doctorate in comparative religion from Yale.
Nd-Well it was your name in the credits so yes, I expected when I paid my money that any glimpsed vagina would be yours, Not some completely random vagina masquerading as yours.
SS- Your hand's on my thigh now.
Nd- Sorry.
SS- Is that it?
Nd-Errr...Hang on I'm trying to think of something else you have been in......No that's it.
SS- I'd like to say it was a pleasure....
Nd- Oh no my dear the pleasure was all mine.
SS- You didn't let me finish, I was going to say I'd like to say it's been a pleasure but I honestly can't.
Nd- Don't think we are paying for your mini bar bill.
SS- There isn't a mini bar.
Nd-Yes there is, at the end of the hallway next to the shared bathroom.
SS- That's a vending machine.
Nd- Well that's a type of bar, It sells cans of shandy.
Nd- I don't suppose there's any chance of getting your phone number is there?
SS- What do you think?
Nd- Brilliant!! Hang on I'll just go get a pen!

Shortly after this interview Miss Sharon Stone flew back to the United States and has declared through her agent that no future interviews will be granted to the gutter press.


deathsweep said...

I can't believe that "I too" thought I was admiring a famous vagina when in fact it was only a double! IQ of 157 huh? And she really thought she was getting that award after a nights stay in the fab hostel you had her booked into? I'll tell you, sometimes these pseudo intellectuals show their true colors in these interviews!

Aningeniousname said...

I totally agree with you and not only that, she had gone when I got back from the lobby with a pen and paper!
Not only that but I also had to pay for the lamp she broke and for a bar of soap she had snapped from the chain in the communal bathroom.
I didn't actually fancy her close up anyway, and only really asked for her number out of politeness.

Agnes Mildew said...

It's most definitely been worth waiting for - all those glorious stories to read whilst eating my pie and chips. I guess I would taste like a Bernard Matthews reconstituted meat product to Alfie.
First class reporting, as usual.

Aningeniousname said...

Thanks Agnes, and I'm sure you don't taste like reconstituted meat product at all. I'm sure woman with your taste and fine breeding, tastes more like a half empty can of flat Vimto with a slight aftertaste of cigarette ash.

Agnes Mildew said...

Yes, but only the very best fag ash, you know - none of these cheapo Royals brands for me...Lamberts or Bensons - something with a nice shiny exterior...

Aningeniousname said...

I knew you were lady of the highest refinement, and by the way I loved your post on the flashers, very funny.