BP denies Baku sex and corruption

London- Officials from BP have moved quickly to deny claims by Les Abrahams, the former head of the company's eastern European division, that he was encouraged to spend over forty five million dollars of company funds on lavish sex and drugs parties in order to win lucrative contracts in the former Soviet republic of Azerbaijan.

Mr Abrahams, now no longer working for the company, claims he was given the green light by disgraced homo chief executive Lord Browne to "Do what ever was necessary to gain the contracts."
Armed with a no limits company credit card Mr Abrahams flew to the Azerbaijani capital of Baku and began his amazing mission to corrupt officials from the newly installed BP sanctioned government of President Haydar Aliyev.

Mr Abrahams began his mission by rounding up 200 of the city's best looking women and booking a local holiday resort as a venue for the Roman style orgy he planned.
Officials soon began arriving and were greeted by baby oiled hostess's sporting only a BP tattoo on the cheek of each buttock and a smile.
From these modest beginnings grew a tale of corruption hitherto only achieved by the infamous Halliburton corporation and the court of Caligula.

Mr Abrahams soon realised these "normal" orgies were okay for the underlings of the state oil company but to get to the big players he needed to pull out all the stops and began shipping in not only hundreds of kilos of pure cocaine from BP's South American operations, but also young female panda's from Shanghai's seedy sexual underworld.
Top government officials were then said to have been entertained by the young bamboo bears at all night sex and cocaine parties.

Amazing as these tales are they are nothing to the realisation that not only were Tony Blair's government aware of what was going on, but that they actively encouraged these practices and were deeply involved in supplying arms for Aliyev's BP coup through the ever patriotic MI6.
Levels of corruption were said to be so bad within the company that they even consented to supplying the president's son with a brand new anteater dressed as an ageing Elvis Presley, which he then used to entertain foreign dignitaries.

Company denials of the allegations are made some what ridiculous by the British governments immediate placement of a D notice on the story banning all UK media from reporting on their dirty little secrets.
So in the spirit and tradition of the free press we here at News direct have decided to print the story and to say to Mr Blair "Fuck you and good riddance!"

Blair's first steps on the road to Baghdad and infamy

Sedgefield- Before the emergence of the CIA/MI5 project known to the world by the soap powder epithet of "New Labour" the tiny ex mining community of Sedgefield was just another small town in the north of England struggling to come to terms with the devastating effects of the free market lunacy we now call Thatcherism.
But Sedgefield's quiet northern dignity was soon to be shattered with the sudden appearance, in 1983, of a young rock and roll rebel named Anthony Charles Linton Blair.

The young socialist guitar playing stranger was said to have walked into the local Trimbdon Labour club, took out his battered old Stratocaster and then played an Hendrix style version of "The Internationale" before declaring to stunned pensioners "Yeah, It would be kinda groovy, if I could like represent you cats in that Westminster head space."

This is just one of the many early Blair stories, so News direct decided to go back to Sedgefield and talk to some of the people who knew the tearaway rebel MP in his earliest days and to find out how a wannabe pop star became the infamous "Bambi of Baghdad"

In the quiet settings of the Trimbdon Labour club's Kon tiki room over pints of warm ale and pork scratchings Eric Shipthorpe 61, told me of the first time he set eyes on the future lap dog of American imperialism "I was at the bar one day reading the socialist worker and having a pint like, and in walks this barefoot flare wearing freak and says to me he is our new MP. I was about to hoy him though the door, but then he said 'I know your pain brother' and I looked slowly up into his mad right eye and have followed him blindly ever since."

Stories of this kind are common in Sedgefield and will be familiar to thousands of bemused voters throughout the country who have looked into that famous mad right eye and suddenly had the urge to speak in an American accent, sell off all their national assets and murder their brown neighbours.
Mrs Hilda Grim, a cleaner at the local shoelace factory, told me "Before he came here I got on quite well with my neighbours, the Khans, but he told me they were trying to change my way of life and make me give up bacon. He said I should paint "Pakis out!" on their windows, So I did!
They then put me in jail for six months for what the judge called "A sustained campaign of hatred and violence utilising dog shit and threats"

Listening to the bewildered folk of Sedgefield trying to rationalise their manic behaviour and blind obedience to a man well known for his Pol Pot smiles and psychopathic rages reminds one of the shell shocked post war German who said "We just looked at his moustache and hoped for the best"

Pentagon calls up the Giraffes

Washington D.C- In another sign that Washington's war on terror isn't going quite as planned, the pentagon has been forced to call up 250 reserve giraffes normally based in sleepy Savannah, Georgia.

The giraffes will be sent to Iraq within the month and are expected to be used for reconnaissance and intelligence gathering within the Iraqi capital.
General Leigh Van Camp of the pentagon's specialist warfare division announced the planned deployment to reporters earlier today by saying "I would like to announce to you good folks here today that Savannah Georgia's world Famous fighting G squad will be deploying within the next few weeks to the fine city of Baghdad to assist our freedom loving troops in the fierce urban combat they are currently engaged in around the liberated city."

The call up of the 250 giraffes is seen in some quarters a desperate measure but this idea was strongly rejected by General Van Camp who insisted that it had always in the Pentagons plans to send the army's tallest warriors to Iraq at some point during the current turmoil.

The army are believed to use the giraffes as forward observers and as an integral part of the Pentagons "shock and awe" tactics.
As General Van Camp later stated the giraffes have the ability to see over high fences and most large buildings into the nearby streets giving US troops a crucial advantage against the freedom hating insurgents plaguing the liberated streets of Baghdad.

Giraffes have a long and glorious history in the United states army and were first used in the second world war during the famous Normandy landings.
The giraffes were used to attack the built up German positions by using their extraordinarily long tongues to place explosive charges into the narrow gun slots of the Nazi bunkers.
This tactic proved spectacularly effective and was said to have saved many lives in the bitter quest for European freedom.

It remains to be seen if this latest pentagon gamble will pay off or be yet another tragic mistake to add to the list of things entitled "How not to win friends and influence people"