The Alastair Campbell dairy

London- Samuel Johnson once said 'When a man is tired of London he is tired of life.' and during the ten years of unrelenting lies and spin Blair's Lancashire Machiavelli has subjected us to, many would be forced to agree.
But not once during those grim years of the Blair/Campbell premiership did we ever suspect Campbell would tire of bullying the soft London media and decide to retire to the country.

But it seems we were all wrong about the infamous "Hand up Blair's arse" in a move which will shock many of his victims he announced yesterday that he is quiting the media and returning to Lancashire to run his father's twenty acre dairy farm.
As he told me yesterday by telephone from his new cow filled home "I've had enough of all the bullshit of Westminster and just want to get back to normal life really, are you taping this? Don't fucking lie to me you horrible little shit! I'm telling you now you fucker, if there is one thing in that fucking story that is not true I'll have your balls on a plate!"

When I had fully assured Mr Campbell that I was not taping, but just taking notes he deigned to resume the interview "Yeah as I was saying I'm tired of having to bully and cajole my way through the long days and even during the good times I was always yearning to get back to my roots and live the simple life."
Mr Campbell then went on to tell me his plans for his fathers small isolated dairy "At the moment we are just selling our milk locally, but I want to branch out and start making Mozzarella, my father wasn't to happy to abandon the old ways but I said to him 'Listen up shit head! change or die, this is how I see it and if you don't wanna play ball I'll make you rue the fucking day you slid screaming from your mothers slack hole, we are taking this shit hole global! I want Campbell's Mozzarella on every fucking pizza from here to timbukfuckingtu! Do I make myself clear!'
He of course agreed and we are in the process of ringing people already in the stringy cheese business and warning them there is a new Billy big balls in town."

I then asked Mr Campbell if he would miss the day to day cut and thrust of government life, to which he replied "Ohhh fuck off! I've had enough of this fucking interview, you're trying to make me look a cunt! I'm warning you I know some very serious people, you think If a man like Dr David Kelly can be "suicided" I'd think twice about dealing with a little piss ant like you?"
With that Lancashire's newest farmer slammed down his phone and terminated the interview.

Given Mr Campbell's reputation as a win at all costs hugely testicled alpha male, we here at News direct are betting that the next time you tuck into your favourite margherita there is a good chance it will be covered in Mr Campbell's stringy Lancashire cheese.

Britain awash with teenage virgins

Whitehall- A leaked government report obtained by News direct has shed some unwelcome light on one of New Labour's most shocking failures. The secret report states that in some deprived areas of Britain there are girls as young as thirteen that have not had full penetrative sex.

The damning report also states that Government schemes to promote early sexual adventuring and teenage pregnancy have been little more than "shambolic and costly failures"
New Labour stormed to power in 1997 promising to build on the conservatives fine record of teenage pregnancy and drug abuse and many in the party will see this latest report as a damning verdict on ten years of failed government policy.

A Whitehall insider who agreed to talk to News direct on the condition of full anonymity told me that although the government had "poured millions into breaking the hymen problem among teenage girls, more and more were choosing to wait and only to consent to sex within committed relationships, thus making a mockery of the Governments "No hymen left behind" initiative."

The total and abject failure of Government policy has been so absolute that on some council estates it has become a rarity to see a Burberry track suited teenager pushing a double buggy and swearing at her kids.
Things are so bad on one estate in the north of England that there are women who have reached thirty and are not yet grandmothers.

One expert on this troubling problem we spoke to declared that limited access to alcohol was one of the main contributing factors, but also blamed the Government for not making penetrative sex mandatory for any girl over fourteen, which after all was one of the main planks of New Labour's 1997 manifesto.

One teenage girl we spoke to even went so far as to say "I've never even seen a cock and I certainly don't want one in me, till I'm at least thirty"
It is indeed a shocking indictment on ten years of New Labour misrule and must surely be one of the first things one eyed prime minister in waiting Gordon Brown must address, before we sink to the sort of levels seen in hell holes such as Sweden and Holland.

BP denies Baku sex and corruption

London- Officials from BP have moved quickly to deny claims by Les Abrahams, the former head of the company's eastern European division, that he was encouraged to spend over forty five million dollars of company funds on lavish sex and drugs parties in order to win lucrative contracts in the former Soviet republic of Azerbaijan.

Mr Abrahams, now no longer working for the company, claims he was given the green light by disgraced homo chief executive Lord Browne to "Do what ever was necessary to gain the contracts."
Armed with a no limits company credit card Mr Abrahams flew to the Azerbaijani capital of Baku and began his amazing mission to corrupt officials from the newly installed BP sanctioned government of President Haydar Aliyev.

Mr Abrahams began his mission by rounding up 200 of the city's best looking women and booking a local holiday resort as a venue for the Roman style orgy he planned.
Officials soon began arriving and were greeted by baby oiled hostess's sporting only a BP tattoo on the cheek of each buttock and a smile.
From these modest beginnings grew a tale of corruption hitherto only achieved by the infamous Halliburton corporation and the court of Caligula.

Mr Abrahams soon realised these "normal" orgies were okay for the underlings of the state oil company but to get to the big players he needed to pull out all the stops and began shipping in not only hundreds of kilos of pure cocaine from BP's South American operations, but also young female panda's from Shanghai's seedy sexual underworld.
Top government officials were then said to have been entertained by the young bamboo bears at all night sex and cocaine parties.

Amazing as these tales are they are nothing to the realisation that not only were Tony Blair's government aware of what was going on, but that they actively encouraged these practices and were deeply involved in supplying arms for Aliyev's BP coup through the ever patriotic MI6.
Levels of corruption were said to be so bad within the company that they even consented to supplying the president's son with a brand new anteater dressed as an ageing Elvis Presley, which he then used to entertain foreign dignitaries.

Company denials of the allegations are made some what ridiculous by the British governments immediate placement of a D notice on the story banning all UK media from reporting on their dirty little secrets.
So in the spirit and tradition of the free press we here at News direct have decided to print the story and to say to Mr Blair "Fuck you and good riddance!"

Thatcher talks!

London- In an exclusive interview with News direct Britain's finest post war Prime minister Baroness Margaret Thatcher talked candidly about her feelings on the Iraq war and, controversially, the performance of the current occupant of number ten.

The baroness received me cordially into the darkened office of her smart London townhouse and, after offering tea, began to hold forth on world affairs and their obvious mishandling by what the Baroness termed "Twats"
"I had such great hopes for Tony." she said "But he has made such a big mess of everything. I told him subdue your own peasants first, show them who is boss, then you can go bomb a few wogs! But would he listen?"
The Baroness smoothed the papery skin on her frail claw like hand and continued "I would have handled little Georgie much differently he would have been a good boy like uncle Ronnie was or he would have felt the edge of my tongue."
The baroness's eyes seemed to regain some of their old fire as she talked of disciplining the president and one could almost sense some of the old fear she regularly instilled into her vapid cabinet of yes men.

During the Baroness's term of office she was lauded the world over for her fearless crushing of the British unions and the subsequent poverty and misery her careful stewardship of the nation created.
Talking of her achievements the Baroness modestly declared her self to be one of the giants of twentieth century politics and fit only to be compared to the other giants of the century, namely Mao, Stalin and the former leader of Germany Mr Adolf Hitler.
"The trouble with those three is they were not hard enough on the plebs, of course they killed millions, but I always felt it's better to crush a persons hopes and dreams, kill their soul thats the real test of a leader, you need them ground to dust under your heel and then when they are compliant you can work them as hard and for as long as you like."

The Baroness then with a wave of her withered hand indicated the interview was over and two of her hired goons graciously escorted me to the front door and threw me onto the pavement outside the Baroness's lovely home.
Spending time with the Iron lady reminded me of her glory days, a time when Britons were proud to be steadfastly right wing free market bigots and not the bleating set of anti war, anti corporate sheep the current occupant of number ten has seen fit to mould as his legacy.

Mandelson: "I had Tony's anal love child."

EU commissioner Peter Mandelson today defended his controversial new autobiography, "I took it my way" by saying he had every right to tell the story of his meteoric rise through the corridors of Westminster power and of the love that dare not speak it's name.

The controversial new book has rocked Blair's already shaky grip on power and has had some commentators declaring this latest scandal to be the final nail in his coffin.

In the book; Mandelson describes his first meeting with a young Tony by saying "The first time we met was at some dreadfully dreary Labour party function, I was chatting to some awful working class people about pensions, and then all of a sudden there he was like a ray of innocent sunshine"
Mandelson goes onto say how the pair slowly got to know each other and how "A deep and abiding anal connection was formed."

Though these claims are damaging enough to the Prime minister; the sections of the new book most likely to have the fleet streets editors in an orgasmic state are the later chapters which describe in detail how in the early eighties Peter Mandelson had the internal sexual organs of a dead Jamaican woman surgically implanted into his previously infertile anal canal.

This led in due course to him becoming anally pregnant with Tony's child sometime just after the labour party swept to power in 1997. He says of the time: "It was one of the most beautiful periods of my life, I'll never forget Tony's face when I told him the good news. He just sort of stood there and looked at me, not knowing what to say, literally speechless. It was very special."
Mandelson goes on to detail how he had to hide his emerging pregnancy from the intrusive Westminster press pack and how when the time finally came for him to deliver the baby, the Labour party spin machine concocted corruption allegations against him to explain his absence from government.

Mandleson explained: "Of course I wanted the world to know of our joyous news but Tony was dead against that and said we should keep it as our little secret. That's why the whole Lakshmi Mittel scandal was created so I could slip quietly off the political stage and into a private clinic in Geneva."

The child is now believed to be around nine years old and living with his "mother" in Brussels. All Mandelson is willing to say about the child is that his name is Quentin and he looks just like his father.

Number ten is yet to comment on Mandelson's book and commentators are watching carefully to see which way the Prime minister will jump on this tricky issue.

One well known Westminster hack believes Tony will have to hold his hands up and admit the story is true, he said, "It's well known round Parliament that Tony is a practicing catholic and would under no circumstances use a condom, so in my book that just adds weight to Peter's story and makes any denials by the Prime minister seem disingenuous."

Is Charles Kennedy on the bottle again?

Westminster - Friends of ex Liberal democrat leader, Charles Kennedy are said to be "extremely concerned" by the flame haired politician's recent bizarre public behaviour and pronounced slur, which many commentators in and around Westminster believe cannot this time be simply explained away by party spin doctors as "ebullience" and a "charming Scottish brogue".

Concern for the amiable Scot reached new heights, after last weeks shambolic appearance on BBC One's Question time, on which Mr Kennedy appeared to be unshaven and was seen to be rambling incoherently throughout the hour long programme.

At one point during the show when asked by David Dimbleby, the semi royal host of the show, his views on the question of Scottish independence he answered by saying, "What the fuck do I care?, I live down here with you sassanach bastards now, Scotland can go fuck itself!, I love you Dave, your my best mate."

Dimbleby continued valiantly throughout the programme to minimize the Scot's input, but this only led to an unsteady Kennedy getting to his feet and declaring between sung verses of the Proclaimers hit "I would walk ten thousand miles", that he had, had enough of this "Shitty" show and was leaving.

Reginald Thrustle, head of the pressure group Alcohol concern, told me after viewing the tapes of last week's show that, "Mr Kennedy's behaviour could indeed be interpreted as showing all the classic symptoms of excessive alcohol abuse, but of course one does have to take into consideration Mr Kennedy's Scottishness, which in part could account for most, if not all of the bizarre behaviour exhibited."

Whether alcohol was to blame for Mr Kennedy's latest behaviour or not, it still leaves the one time Liberal supremo in the political wilderness and also looks set to cast even more doubt on the Liberal democrats claim to be a serious political force.