McCain steps up his momentum.

Idaho-Yesterday it was a school for the deaf in Florida, today it's an audience of farmers in rural Idaho, tomorrow Senator John McCain hopes it will be the presidency of the United states of America. After an exhausting round of Republican primaries the seventy one year old former POW looks to be on the verge of winning his party's nomination.
The campaigning process is an exhaustive non stop trip around the country so it was a tired looking Senator that took the stage in the small gymnasium of Richard M Nixon high school. The homemade signs handed out just moments before, by party workers, were duly waved as the septuagenarian Senator wearily began his eighth speech in six hours.

First on the Senator's agenda was the beauty and patriotic fervour of this particular part of Idaho, this opening gambit was duly lapped up and was followed by the obligatory chorus's of USA USA USA USA.
McCain basked in the chanting crowd before slowly raising his arms and appealing for quiet.
When McCain received his requested silence he launched into his now familiar story of how being tortured by the Vietnamese had made him the only candidate in America worthy of carrying on President Bush's long long long long long war (Which is what the war formerly known as the war on terror must now be known as)
Warming to his theme the Senator from Arizona told the fevered crowd of semi illiterate inbreds
that "All the time I was in that there Hanoi Hilton bearing the most unimaginable tortures and humiliations, I swore to myself that if I ever got out of there I was gonna become President of the United states and make sure that crimes and wars like that never happened again and that's why if elected President I would only sanction wars and torture against foreigners and of course all domestic dissenters, that's the American way and that's what I stand for!"

After the cheers and applause died down the Senator took questions from the floor, the first of which asked about the Senator's stance on universal health care to which he replied "Well as I'm sure most of you are aware, I was savagely tortured while doing my duty in Vietnam and as I lay on my piss soaked mattress in that Gook hell hole dreaming of Cindy Lou, Coca Cola and white picket fences, I swore to myself that one day I would become President and make sure that every American has the right to buy health insurance at prices set by the god given mechanism of the free market. I'm sure that's what God would want."

The next questioner asked the candidate what role faith played in his life, the Senator's face took on a humble, almost pious look as he answered "Faith has played a very important role in my life, as some of you may know I was tortured in Vietnam and all through that horrible forty two years in captivity I talked to God every single day and when the psychological torture was at its worst and they were putting very hot chili peppers in my daily rice rations, God used to say to me 'Forgive them John they know not what they do, they are foul yellow skinned devils and you will one day be President of the greatest holiest freedomest lovingest country on the face of the whole wide world!!!!!' So to answer your question Sir, I take my faith in the baby Jesus extremely seriously and I will kill any man who says I don't."

The Senator then raised his arms and led the now near rabid crowd in a loud and raucous rendition of 'Born in the USA' as images of torture and war were beamed onto the large flag covered wall behind him.
If McCain does win the republican nomination and goes forward to do battle with the chosen Democrat it will be a brave man that bets against the fighting spirit of Senator John McCain.

News direct meets Stephen Hawking

Not content with bringing our readers superb news and opinion sprinkled with revealing interviews from A list celebrities, News direct today brings you an interview with the world's smartest man, Professor Stephen hawking.

News direct- Professor, It's really an honour to meet you, but I'm sure you feel the same way so lets not get bogged down in who admires who the most, it could get syrupy.

Stephen Hawking-Ok

Nd-but if you wanted to say something it's best to say it now, to get it out of the way before we start the interview properly.

SH-No I'm fine thank you.

Nd-You sure? You could just say something simple like how much you enjoy my work and how News direct is the best website in the brief history of time, see what I did there?

SH-Yes.

Nd-I used the title of your book!!!

SH-Yes I noticed that.

Nd-So do you want to say that before we start?

SH-No thank you.

Nd-Ohh, alright.

SH-News direct elephant got umbrella best web in small history of clock.

Nd-That's very kind of you Professor.

SH-Please don't touch my buttons again.

Nd-I didn't!

SH-Yes you did.

Nd-Prove it!

SH-Can we please get on with the interview, I'm a very busy man.

Nd-What's that supposed to mean? Ohhhh your time is more valuable than mine is it?

SH-I didn't mean it like that, I just meant to say that I have other appointments after this and I would be grateful if we could get to the interview.

Nd-Fine.

SH-Would that be ok?

Nd-Whatever.

SH-I haven't upset you have I?

Nd-No.

SH-Because that was never my intention.

Nd-Whatever.

SH-So can we start the interview now?

Nd- I suppose so, Have you ever considered entering the Para Olympics?

SH-Pardon???

Nd-Are you deaf as well? I SAID HAVE U EVER CONSIDERED ENTERING THE PAAAARRRRAAA OLYMPICSSSSS???????

SH-I have perfect hearing and no I have never considered it as theoretical physics takes up quiet a lot of my time.

Nd-How fast do you think that chair could go?

SH- I have no idea, its not built for speed its designed to give me better mobility and house my speech machine.

Nd-I reckon if you changed the wheels and got rid of the speech thing you might be in with a shot of a medal.

SH-I have no desire to enter the Para Olympics.

Nd-Are you not a sporty person?

SH-No.

Nd-You could be the teams mascot then.

SH-I have no desire to be a mascot.

Nd-Just because you are in a chair doesn't mean that you have to spend your days sitting around in the house.

SH-I don't.

Nd-Oh that's nice, do you have someone who comes and takes you out?

SH-No.

Nd-You should come to the day centre at the end of my street. It's mostly old people but loads of them are in chairs, so I'm sure you'd have a lot in common with them. They do painting, would you like that?

SH-No.

Nd-Ohhhh are you a little bit shy? Just a little teensy weensy bit shy???

SH-No.

Nd-Theres no need to be shy, they are all very friendly. Do you want me to come with you your first day? Just till you are settled in.

SH-I have no interest in going to the day centre.

Nd-You sure??? I'm sure they would love to have you.

SH-No thank you.

Nd-Alright, but I think you are cutting your nose off to spite your face.

SH-Do you have any questions relating to my work?

Nd-Of course.

SH-Well??

Nd-Does talking to dead people sometimes get a bit scary?

SH-Pardon?

Nd-Tut, DOES TALKING TO DEAD PEOPLE!!!! SOMETIMES GET A BIT FRIGHTENING???

SH-I told you I am not deaf, and I have never talked to dead people.

Nd-You haven't?

SH-No.

Nd-Oh, what kind of psychic work you do then?

SH-I don't do Psychic work, I'm a theoretical Physicist.

Nd-A what?

SH-A theoretical physicist.

Nd-And what's that when it's at home?

SH-Physicists explore and identify basic principles and laws governing motion and gravitation, the macroscopic and microscopic behavior of gases, and the structure and behavior of matter, the generation and transfer between energy, and the interaction of matter and energy.

Nd-Boooooooooorrrrrrrriiiinnnggggggg.

SH-It's actually incredibly interesting and of great use in furthering our understanding of the universe and our place in it.

Nd-Can you play MP3'S on that voice thingy?

SH-No.

Nd-Shame that would be soooo cool. Do you ever rap on it? That would sound real freaky.

SH-No.

Nd-To tell you the truth I thought this interview was going to be great but I'm reeeeaaalllllllly bored now.

SH-I got plenty of bitches purple say not fish and whores I am the father tree.

Nd-No you can't really rap on it can you.

SH-I asked you not to touch my machine.

Nd-I was only seeing if you could rap on it, I wasn't gonna break it.

SH-I will have to leave now. You are not only the worst interviewer in the world but also the worst human being I have ever had the misfortune to meet, and I have met President George W Bush. Twice.

Nd-Yeah like I'm bothered what you think.

SH-Goodbye.

Nd-See ya loser.

A glimmer of hope?

Baghdad- Ever since good old uncle Sam decided to liberate Iraq's vast oil reserves and test his latest billion dollar weapons, we have become accustomed to dreading the dark news that manages to seep out of the carefully controlled green zone and into our shocked living rooms on a nightly basis.
Roadside bombings, suicide bombings, missing money, massacres, rape, torture and out of control mercenaries, we have seen it all in recent times and still day after day the Vietnamesque images continue to come.

At a time when even the most rabid spittle flecked Neocons are slowly starting to desert the sinking President's ill conceived attempts at corporate empire, I decided to scour the Iraqi capital in search of an uplifting news story that gives the Iraqis and indeed the world a small glimmer of light to head towards.

My interpreter and I drove at high speeds through the pock marked and deserted streets of the capital towards the "quiet" Baghdad suburb of Alyamnhya, which before the sudden and deadly arrival of peace and democracy was a well to do suburb containing some of Baghdad's finest houses and none of the rubble which mysteriously abounds today.
After more than an hours drive from the relative safety of the green zone, we arrived at the gates of a large colonial era villa set back from the quiet road. We waited patiently as two AK47 wielding guards cautiously opened the gates and allowed us to cruise into the large compound.

The villa is the impressive home of prewar Baghdad's most famous film maker Yusuf Ali Khan, famous throughout the middle east for his poetic homages to colour, form and the timeless images of nomadic desert life.
Mr Khan greeted me warmly and as we sat and drank tea among the date trees and bougainvillea of his sedate garden, he began to tell me of his latest venture into the world of film.

Between sips of sweet tea Mr Khan excitedly told me of his latest project "I am very happy with the latest film, its in post production at the moment and I think 'Baghdad buggery' may be even better than 'Sadr city sluts', fingers crossed!"
When I asked him why he had suddenly switched his artistic direction he declared that "This is what people want in a western style democracy, they no longer need the quiet reflections on desert life to spiritually sustain them through the depths of dictatorship.
What people need now is double penetration and close up money shots of the hairiest Muslim sluts in the Islamic world. A film maker must change and grow with his audience or become irrelevant."
Mr Khan's latest projects have made him considerably richer and he says that since the gun point implementation of American values upon the liberated Iraqi population, he has come to see that "Money is the real god of the world and art has no real value except the price someone is willing to pay to own it."

After saying my farewells and beginning my high speed journey back to the green zone, I reflected on how not everything in Baghdad is as bleak as the cynics like to paint it and that there do indeed seem to be some green shoots of recovery showing through the barren desert sands.
The Iraqi peoples struggle to freedom and democracy will be long and hard, but I believe men like Yusuf Ali Khan have the will and the vision to lead Baghdad from its current nightmare into the loving arms of Coca cola freedom and corporate peace.

Pentagon calls up the Giraffes

Washington D.C- In another sign that Washington's war on terror isn't going quite as planned, the pentagon has been forced to call up 250 reserve giraffes normally based in sleepy Savannah, Georgia.

The giraffes will be sent to Iraq within the month and are expected to be used for reconnaissance and intelligence gathering within the Iraqi capital.
General Leigh Van Camp of the pentagon's specialist warfare division announced the planned deployment to reporters earlier today by saying "I would like to announce to you good folks here today that Savannah Georgia's world Famous fighting G squad will be deploying within the next few weeks to the fine city of Baghdad to assist our freedom loving troops in the fierce urban combat they are currently engaged in around the liberated city."

The call up of the 250 giraffes is seen in some quarters a desperate measure but this idea was strongly rejected by General Van Camp who insisted that it had always in the Pentagons plans to send the army's tallest warriors to Iraq at some point during the current turmoil.

The army are believed to use the giraffes as forward observers and as an integral part of the Pentagons "shock and awe" tactics.
As General Van Camp later stated the giraffes have the ability to see over high fences and most large buildings into the nearby streets giving US troops a crucial advantage against the freedom hating insurgents plaguing the liberated streets of Baghdad.

Giraffes have a long and glorious history in the United states army and were first used in the second world war during the famous Normandy landings.
The giraffes were used to attack the built up German positions by using their extraordinarily long tongues to place explosive charges into the narrow gun slots of the Nazi bunkers.
This tactic proved spectacularly effective and was said to have saved many lives in the bitter quest for European freedom.

It remains to be seen if this latest pentagon gamble will pay off or be yet another tragic mistake to add to the list of things entitled "How not to win friends and influence people"

SAS move in to clear way for Harry

London- The ministry of defence declared earlier today that Britain's favourite Nazi prince will definitely be serving with his regiment, the Blues and royals, in the British section of the quagmire known as Iraq.

Prince Harry Von Windsor, son of the late princess Diana and her ginger riding instructor Major James "big one for the ladies" Hewitt, has recently declared he would immediately quit the army if not allowed to participate in the wholesale massacre of brown people currently taking place within Iraq.

Whitehall officials have been feverishly working on the problem since Prince Harry declared to the press "One can't wait to get over there and shoot a few sand niggers."
The preferred option would have been to place Harry in a heavily fortified camp and use available British forces to surround and protect the "Rourke's drift" type compound from the inevitable 24/7 attacks this would engender.

Prince Harry was said to have been furious when he heard of the "Rourke's drift" plan and allegedly stormed into the Prime ministers office and threatened to reveal details of his families notorious war time Nazi connections unless he was allowed to "Torture some wogs with the rest of the chaps"
Having forced the Prime ministers hand operation "Royal visit" was quickly formulated, the early stages of which are now under way in the British Basra section of the ongoing turmoil.

Operation "Royal visit" calls for six four man SAS teams to clear an area of Basra a mile square and, after mining the perimeter, set up round the clock surveillance of the area while teams of Royal engineers construct a small palace in preparation for the princes arrival.
After the "Hero" Prince arrives it will be the SAS's job to ensure that Harry fulfills his ambition of "Killing at least three darkies" and making sure the prince is not captured or shot by terrified Americans.

Three Hercules Transport planes have already arrived in Basra filled with some of the Prince's essential kit including such necessities as, 1000 crates of Bollinger, 2 cases of Beluga, 3 cases of Foie gras, an Xbox 360, 2 polo ponies, and a vast DVD collection.
The ministry of defence have declared themselves to be "delighted" that His royal highness has decided to join the oilacaust and have promised that Field marshal Harry Von Windsor will be treated like any normal soldier.

Troops already serving out in Iraq have been clamouring to serve alongside the Prince as its seen as the best way to get home intact and without the aid of a body bag.
One soldier just back from the carnage told me "We are right proud that the prince would even consider coming out there and giving us a hand, I'm sure with a bit of Royal input we will be able to sort the situation out within a few weeks. God bless him!"

Bush camp backtracks on Inuit "snow pigs" gaffe

Alaska - A red faced White House was today trying to extricate its self from the latest in a long line of verbal gaffes and scandals, the president's Tourette's has thrust them into.

Early yesterday morning the president was touring the site of a new oil refinery scheduled to be built sometime in 2008 upon tribal burial grounds sacred to the local Inuit people, the President was overheard telling a close aide to, "Get me the fuck outta here, I'm freezing my balls off and these rat faced snow pigs make me feel sick."

These remarks where overheard by members of the press corps and sections of the three strong Inuit crowd that had gathered to protest the building of the oil refinery.

A visibly shocked Inuit chief named Yellow Snow said, "I think it's not right what the big white chief said, Yellow Snow will not vote for great chief Bush again, can you give Yellow Snow money for booze now?"

White House attempts to downplay the episode have only seen the scandal snowball and dominate the international headlines. In a desperate move designed to kill the story White House spokesman, Fuzzy Klebermann faced reporters questions early this morning in a hastily arranged press conference.

When asked by reporters if these remarks by the president revealed a contempt for the native people's of the Arctic region, Mr Klebermann countered with, "Nothing could be further from the truth, the President has nothing but the utmost respect for his coldest citizens, indeed only last week the President had refused to go to bed until he seen the end of a National Geographic film about penguins."

This explanation did nothing to soothe the usually timid and subservient Washington press pack and Mr Klebermann was asked by one unusually pretty lady reporter to explain the "snow pig" comment.

Mr Klebermann answered that, "It has all been a huge misunderstanding, the president thought snow pigs was the local term for the mosquitoes that were bothering him at the time."
This seemed to satisfy the baying press pack and they quickly resumed their normal lap dog like demeanours and moved onto less pressing issues like Iraq.