BP denies Baku sex and corruption

London- Officials from BP have moved quickly to deny claims by Les Abrahams, the former head of the company's eastern European division, that he was encouraged to spend over forty five million dollars of company funds on lavish sex and drugs parties in order to win lucrative contracts in the former Soviet republic of Azerbaijan.

Mr Abrahams, now no longer working for the company, claims he was given the green light by disgraced homo chief executive Lord Browne to "Do what ever was necessary to gain the contracts."
Armed with a no limits company credit card Mr Abrahams flew to the Azerbaijani capital of Baku and began his amazing mission to corrupt officials from the newly installed BP sanctioned government of President Haydar Aliyev.

Mr Abrahams began his mission by rounding up 200 of the city's best looking women and booking a local holiday resort as a venue for the Roman style orgy he planned.
Officials soon began arriving and were greeted by baby oiled hostess's sporting only a BP tattoo on the cheek of each buttock and a smile.
From these modest beginnings grew a tale of corruption hitherto only achieved by the infamous Halliburton corporation and the court of Caligula.

Mr Abrahams soon realised these "normal" orgies were okay for the underlings of the state oil company but to get to the big players he needed to pull out all the stops and began shipping in not only hundreds of kilos of pure cocaine from BP's South American operations, but also young female panda's from Shanghai's seedy sexual underworld.
Top government officials were then said to have been entertained by the young bamboo bears at all night sex and cocaine parties.

Amazing as these tales are they are nothing to the realisation that not only were Tony Blair's government aware of what was going on, but that they actively encouraged these practices and were deeply involved in supplying arms for Aliyev's BP coup through the ever patriotic MI6.
Levels of corruption were said to be so bad within the company that they even consented to supplying the president's son with a brand new anteater dressed as an ageing Elvis Presley, which he then used to entertain foreign dignitaries.

Company denials of the allegations are made some what ridiculous by the British governments immediate placement of a D notice on the story banning all UK media from reporting on their dirty little secrets.
So in the spirit and tradition of the free press we here at News direct have decided to print the story and to say to Mr Blair "Fuck you and good riddance!"

Mysterious mystery mystifies ministry

Whitehall- Nick Pope, the Ministry of Defence's top paranormal and unexplained weirdness expert, earlier today stunned reporters with the details of his latest and many might say his strangest case yet.

Mr Pope, dressed in his regulation approved for TV government issue business suit, silenced the over excited press with slowly raised arms and then quietly began to tell his mysterious tale."As you are probably aware gentlemen I have recently been working on my most mysterious mystery ever.
I'll begin by filling you in on the details and then I'll finish by sharing with you my findings on this most mysterious mystery that has mystified us here at the Ministry."

As the excited chatter of the assembled media faded into rapt attention Mr Pope cleared his throat, and quietly began "Early in 2004 strange and mysterious activity began to be reported by farmers and local people living around the USAF base Lakenheath. Witnesses have reported seeing huge white "plane" shaped objects, which were totally silent except for a strange hurricane like sound they emit constantly."

Mr Pope checked his prepared notes, gazed mysteriously around the room, and continued with his amazing tale "These objects were reported to have landed in or around the base and ghostly apparitions were said to have exited the mysterious craft."
Mr pope was at this point interrupted by a mystified newsman who asked him what these "creatures" looked like.

Mr Pope acknowledged him and stated "The mysterious beings were said to be around normal human height with strange silky hair flowing from their ghastly faces and were dressed in all in one close fitting orange "space suits" and most mysteriously of all they appeared to travel without the use of any kind of ocular assistance.
Where one would expect to see their eyes there was only what some witnesses have described as a "blindfold"."

As the buzz of excited chatter from the media died down Mr Pope went on to Reveal the results of his investigation into this most mysterious of mysteries "After months spent collating and carefully evaluating all available evidence; I have come to the only explaination possible in a case of such enigmatic dimensions. I believe these mysterious events to be so mysterious and strange that they defy attempts at rational explanation; so I believe we should just all forget about it." With this shock announcement Mr Pope gathered his papers and unobtrusively left the shocked room.

So it looks as though, for now, the mysterious mystery that mystified the Ministry will continue to mystify a curious world.