SAS move in to clear way for Harry

London- The ministry of defence declared earlier today that Britain's favourite Nazi prince will definitely be serving with his regiment, the Blues and royals, in the British section of the quagmire known as Iraq.

Prince Harry Von Windsor, son of the late princess Diana and her ginger riding instructor Major James "big one for the ladies" Hewitt, has recently declared he would immediately quit the army if not allowed to participate in the wholesale massacre of brown people currently taking place within Iraq.

Whitehall officials have been feverishly working on the problem since Prince Harry declared to the press "One can't wait to get over there and shoot a few sand niggers."
The preferred option would have been to place Harry in a heavily fortified camp and use available British forces to surround and protect the "Rourke's drift" type compound from the inevitable 24/7 attacks this would engender.

Prince Harry was said to have been furious when he heard of the "Rourke's drift" plan and allegedly stormed into the Prime ministers office and threatened to reveal details of his families notorious war time Nazi connections unless he was allowed to "Torture some wogs with the rest of the chaps"
Having forced the Prime ministers hand operation "Royal visit" was quickly formulated, the early stages of which are now under way in the British Basra section of the ongoing turmoil.

Operation "Royal visit" calls for six four man SAS teams to clear an area of Basra a mile square and, after mining the perimeter, set up round the clock surveillance of the area while teams of Royal engineers construct a small palace in preparation for the princes arrival.
After the "Hero" Prince arrives it will be the SAS's job to ensure that Harry fulfills his ambition of "Killing at least three darkies" and making sure the prince is not captured or shot by terrified Americans.

Three Hercules Transport planes have already arrived in Basra filled with some of the Prince's essential kit including such necessities as, 1000 crates of Bollinger, 2 cases of Beluga, 3 cases of Foie gras, an Xbox 360, 2 polo ponies, and a vast DVD collection.
The ministry of defence have declared themselves to be "delighted" that His royal highness has decided to join the oilacaust and have promised that Field marshal Harry Von Windsor will be treated like any normal soldier.

Troops already serving out in Iraq have been clamouring to serve alongside the Prince as its seen as the best way to get home intact and without the aid of a body bag.
One soldier just back from the carnage told me "We are right proud that the prince would even consider coming out there and giving us a hand, I'm sure with a bit of Royal input we will be able to sort the situation out within a few weeks. God bless him!"

Hugh Grant: Baked bean terror!

London-The gullible herds of fat American tourists that clog Londons ancient arteries found themselves gawping in wonder yesterday, not at the capitals stunning architecture or indeed the ragged armies of the homeless, but instead at the sight of quintessential English gentleman and Cary Grant impersonator Mr Hugh grant beating a hapless photographer to within an inch of his life with a cheap tin of baked beans.

Grant,62, is said to have stumbled out of a nearby all night supermarket/bar in London's fashionable West end and immediately began to harangue an innocent pack of paparazzi.

Ralph Mcfilthy, one of the innocent photographers, witnessed the unprovoked attack and said "I was shocked, I have been a big fan of Hugh's and used to marvel at his seemingly innate ability to play slightly bemused upper class Englishmen, but what I witnessed here has made me think twice about enjoying his bumbling stuttering performances in the future."

Mr Grant is said to have lunged at the nearest photographer with the unopened tin of beans and proceeded to beat him upon the temple while screaming "Whats the frequency Kenneth!!!"

Shocked bystanders then tried to pull the glassy eyed star off his sobbing victim which then led to Mr Grant biting and scratching up to four more people in the incident some are now calling "Bean gate"

Mr Grant was eventually hustled by a team of passing minders into a blacked out Lexus and driven to an unknown location, believed to be somewhere in the home counties.

Whether the hugely popular actor can bounce back from this latest shocking episode still remains to be seen.

Misty Fortuna, one of London's top PR people told me by telephone this morning that "It's going to be very difficult to spin this one, I mean it's all very well picking up a syphilitic black whore on Hollywood boulevard, but this is England for Christs sake."

The early word emanating from Tinseltown is that the producers of Grant's latest film, the delightfully titled romantic comedy "Oh excuse me, I'm English!" are very nervous of releasing the film while Grants reputation still lies bleeding in a London gutter.

So it seems film fans may have to wait just a while longer to see the consummate professionals latest in depth characterisation.

"Pervy" Howard's reign of terror ends

Reading-For over thirty years the small and insignificant hamlet of Reading has endured what one resident has called "a sustained sexual terror campaign" from one of its most upstanding citizens.

Local Pharmacist and ex Mayor Howard De la zouche has run the local chemist on Reading high street for as long as anyone can remember and during his tenure there he has subjected staff and customers to daily barrages of crude sexual innuendo and countless "accidental" touches.
Police finally swooped early this morning in a dawn raid on Mr De la zouche's small semi in nearby Slough.

Officers from the force's newly formed anti perv squad were said to shocked at the conditions they found upon entering Mr De la zouche's depraved lair.
One officer told me "It was horrendous, I've been a pig for over twenty years and I have never seen anything like it. The house had an over powering smell of ammonia and when we entered his bedroom we found it to be filled with countless bottles of stale urine and pictures of a young Mr De la zouche covering every wall."
Police are also said to have found countless rubber penis's and sticky copies of illegal Chinese panda porn magazines littering the floors of not only his bedroom, but also every room in the house.

Staff at Mr De la zouche's chemist shop have so far refused to comment on his arrest, but one female shopper on Reading's high street told this reporter "It's about time really, I had to use his shop as I have an untreatable form of thrush. Every time I went in he would rush from behind the counter and stand uncomfortably close to me and say things like 'I've got some cream for you' while leering suggestively at me."

Police are said to be considering charging "Pervy" Howard under the governments new anti perv laws which have only just come into force. The new laws make any unwarranted sexual innuendo or double entendre liable to a minimum prison sentence of four years and for the offender to be placed on the new perv offenders register.

Reading's long suffering residents are now breathing a sigh of relief that "Pervy" Howard is safely locked in police custody and they are again able to buy medicines without a familar hand on the buttock and the sly voice whispering "I know What you've got, you slag"