Living the swingle life

Cleckheaton- Someone once said "It's grim up north" and a visitor's cursory glance at the row upon row of identical terrace houses clinging unhappily to the steep streets might tempt them to quickly agree with this less than kind observation.
But as with all things in life, if you scratch the surface and take time to look beyond the drab uniformity, hideously clothed in bland conformity you may just see something you never knew was there.

News direct sent me to this Small northern town to delve into the recently revealed fact that Cleckheaton is now the swinging capital of Great Britain.
My entree into the Cleckheaton swinging scene was to be provided by two of its most senior and respected members, Cleckheaton news agents Ken and Doreen Tasselthwaite.

Once seated, in their small but comfortable front room, and made welcome with the obligatory cup of strong northern tea, I asked Ken and Doreen how such a "normal" couple could have developed such an unusual hobby.
The pair smiled at each other and after beginning to answer at the same time Doreen gestured for Ken to enlighten me on their first strides into what has been called Britain's secret shagging scene "Well it really started for us in 1978 at a friends rather raucous macramé and fondue party, before we knew it we were both ankle deep in strangers sex fluid and loving it."

Doreen nodded her agreement and continued the story for me "Well the morning after we didn't know what had hit us, we were tormented by huge hangovers and felt so guilty about what had happened that we avoided talking to each other for just under a year. When we finally sat down and discussed what had happened we realised that it was the first time in all our years of marriage that we had both actually enjoyed the physical act of sex at the same time.
You see I have an unusual medical condition, which has some awfully long and complicated Latin name, but the upshot of it is that it has given me an enormously proportioned vagina.
One Doctor examined me and said that the inside of my vagina could easily accommodate a family of small Yorkshire terriers and then said to Ken that if he ever wanted to enjoy sex with me he should invest in some potholing equipment, Ken always says that it is like throwing a cocktail sausage into the Royal Albert hall, don't you?"
Ken smiled lovingly at his apparently cavernous wife and nodded for her to continue.
"So what with my condition and Ken's rather smallish equipment we decided that the swinging lifestyle could give us both some measure of sexual fulfillment while allowing us to continue with our happy marriage."

After declining Doreen's polite offer of an Eccles cake, I asked them how their hobby had progressed over the years.
Ken settled back into his Shackleton high seat chair and began to slowly explain the ins and outs, so to speak, of the swingle life "Well after our heart to heart we decided to plunge right in and that has led us to where we are today really, they call us the 'pearly necklace king and queen of the swingers' and our parties have become legendary within the Cleckheaton swinging scene.
We really try to pull out all the stops at our monthly sexual soirées, we theme them, the last one was a banana's and pajamas party which actually didn't work out all that well cos the local fancy dress shop only had one banana suit. So most men turned up with just a Fyffe's sticker on their forehead and then when the guy who got the only banana suit tried to take it back he had hell of a job cos they said they were 'inappropriate stains not commonly associated with bananas' all up the front."

Doreen poured me some more industrial strength tea while Ken, through half chewed mouthfuls of Eccles cake, continued his story.
"What most people don't understand is that we are normal average people, the only exception to this being our monthly sex orgies. Most people would imagine them to be riotous roman style sexual free for alls, but in reality they are usually very sedate affairs. People will typically start arriving about seven and will be shown into this room where Doreen will have prepared a large buffet table, no one puts on a spread like Doreen, all the men say to me I have never known anyone who can spread like your wife Ken!
So while people enjoy the Vol au vents and fish paste sandwiches we will have something sexually provocative like Hollyoaks playing on the TV, just to get people in the mood.
After some polite conversation and a few dry sherrys thats when the action really heats up and all of a sudden there are pink bits and sexual fluids everywhere.
Doreen likes to go into the box room lie on her back and challenge all the men present to 'Hit the bottom' No one has ever managed! but there have been loads willing to try hasn't there love!"

Doreen pats Ken's hand and takes over storytelling duties while ken begins to polish off another one of Doreen's huge homemade Eccles cakes "I call it the 'Have a go at the Grand canyon queue' they never manage to get to the bottom but as Ken says the view from the top is worth the wait.
Things usually wind up about ten cos I have to get up at five to do the morning papers, Ken will usually get out his pinny and clean up before coming upstairs about midnight for his special treat."
My mystified look makes Doreen laugh uproariously and has Ken coughing up flaky pieces of Ecccles cake as his wife heartily slaps his back.
"Well Ken's special treat is to clean me up down there, he calls it his 'knacker milk treat' and believe you me, on a good night there is gallons of it sloshing about up there. Usually takes him over an hour to get it all out and usually I just fall asleep and let him get on with it, as long as he is gentle with the spoon its not a problem."

Ken fully recovered from his coughing fit, puts down his unfinished Eccles cake and explains to me how they are just average people with an unusual hobby "We are no different to any other couple really, we pay our taxes, complain about the government and spend our two weeks holiday in Blackpool trying to forget our day to day drudgery.
The parties we hold are just a a bit of naughty fun. Where else could you enjoy the pleasure of other mens wives and then wrap it all up with a special treat from the vagina of the woman you love?"

Being some what at a loss for words I tried to block out the mental image of Ken poised spoon in hand before Doreen's mighty vagina and hurriedly asked if they could send a message to the non swinging world what would it be.
They looked lovingly at each other, smiled and then said in unison "Come have a go at the grand canyon!"

The sad plight of Bogota's street cats

Bogota- Amid the car horns, smog and back streets of Columbia's largest city, a silent and tragic tale is quietly unfolding.
It has been estimated by independent charities that there are almost two hundred thousand homeless cats on the capital's streets and with the vast majority of them turning to crime and prostitution in a desperate attempt to survive, it has become a major problem for the city's under funded social programs.
The problem has become so bad that certain areas of the capital have become virtual no go areas, places into which even Columbia's heavily armed cocaine fueled police fear to tread.

Father Jose en el Gato, a local Jesuit priest who runs a mission offering support to the strays told me of their problems and of his selfless work with South America's forgotten felines.
"It's very tragic, I first came here as a young priest in the sixties and as I stepped off the bus from the airport I was immediately approached by a young cat, no more than a kitten really, she offered me dirty evil things I had never even heard of and all for the price of a pot noodle."

Father en el Gato was so shocked by his first encounter with the sexually available street cats that he decided there and then to devote his life to helping save "Los gatos perdidas"
"I would go out every night and just talk to some of these cats. I felt if I was to really help them I had to gain their trust and show them I was not there to use and abuse them like most people were. Some of the stories I heard were very shocking to a young priest fresh out of the seminary school, I remember one young cat, she had been on the streets since she fled from terrible abuse at home and had turned to offering "water sports" to drunken punters in an effort to feed her massive catnip habit. She is dead now of course, her bladder just gave in, they don't last long on the streets."

The Colombian Government has virtually ignored the problem and as a consequence Father en el Gato says the problem has become chronic "We need outside help, if we can turn just one of these poor wretches into a decent law abiding house cat then it is a good thing in the eyes of our lord, tell your readers we need help senor!"

Following Father en el Gato's desperate plea we here at News direct have decided to launch our "Save some street pussy" campaign to try to raise funds, so Father en el Gato can continue his much needed work among Columbia's forgotten cats.
If you feel you'd like to help please send any available money you have to us here at News direct and we will happily add it to our appeal total.

Because as Father en el Gato said to me "Imagine if that was your pussy trying to survive out there, wouldn't you want someone to help?"

"Pervy" Howard's reign of terror ends

Reading-For over thirty years the small and insignificant hamlet of Reading has endured what one resident has called "a sustained sexual terror campaign" from one of its most upstanding citizens.

Local Pharmacist and ex Mayor Howard De la zouche has run the local chemist on Reading high street for as long as anyone can remember and during his tenure there he has subjected staff and customers to daily barrages of crude sexual innuendo and countless "accidental" touches.
Police finally swooped early this morning in a dawn raid on Mr De la zouche's small semi in nearby Slough.

Officers from the force's newly formed anti perv squad were said to shocked at the conditions they found upon entering Mr De la zouche's depraved lair.
One officer told me "It was horrendous, I've been a pig for over twenty years and I have never seen anything like it. The house had an over powering smell of ammonia and when we entered his bedroom we found it to be filled with countless bottles of stale urine and pictures of a young Mr De la zouche covering every wall."
Police are also said to have found countless rubber penis's and sticky copies of illegal Chinese panda porn magazines littering the floors of not only his bedroom, but also every room in the house.

Staff at Mr De la zouche's chemist shop have so far refused to comment on his arrest, but one female shopper on Reading's high street told this reporter "It's about time really, I had to use his shop as I have an untreatable form of thrush. Every time I went in he would rush from behind the counter and stand uncomfortably close to me and say things like 'I've got some cream for you' while leering suggestively at me."

Police are said to be considering charging "Pervy" Howard under the governments new anti perv laws which have only just come into force. The new laws make any unwarranted sexual innuendo or double entendre liable to a minimum prison sentence of four years and for the offender to be placed on the new perv offenders register.

Reading's long suffering residents are now breathing a sigh of relief that "Pervy" Howard is safely locked in police custody and they are again able to buy medicines without a familar hand on the buttock and the sly voice whispering "I know What you've got, you slag"