News direct meets Reese Witherspoon

As regular readers will know we here at News direct are continually striving to give our valued readership the very best in not just global news and opinion but also top notch interviews with the world's movers and shakers in the fields of politics, art, science, show business and sport.

So it is a little embarrassing to have to announce that todays interview is with Hollywood "super star" Reese "the chin" Witherspoon.
I know the majority of our readers will no doubt exclaim, like I did when I found out I had to interview her, why the bloody hell would anybody want to any spend time reading about chinny ?????
And the answer to that is, if you don't you're sacked! Which I guess isn't much of a threat to you the reader but it did make a big difference to me, anyway here it is.


ND- Reese Witherspoon. Hollywood actress, fashion icon, girl next door, blah blah blah. Alright?

RW- Gee I'm like soooooo happy to be here in London, this city just rocks. I love those beef eaters and Carnaby street and ohhhhhh my god those red buses are like faboulous!!!! I'm just soooooooooooooo excited. I was like doh!!!! Reese this is like London!!!!!Hellooooooo!!!! What would you expect to see in London!!!!!!

ND- Yeah great.

RW-And like ohhhhhhhhhh my god could that Prince William guy be any cuter???????? You know my friend Lydia, when she heard I was coming to London she was like "Oh myyyyyy god Reese what if you like met that Prince William guy and like married him!!!! You would be like the wife of the President of Europe!!!!!!!" And I was like ohhhhhhh my god that would be like sooooooo cool!!!!!!!

ND- Yeah great.

RW-What? My newest movie? Sure I don't mind talking about it! It's a romantic comedy about a girl next door type played by me called "Illegally cute!"
I decided to do a lighter film after my brilliant but dark Oscar winning performance in Walk the line, I like decided that people like wanted to see good ole Reese as good ole Reese!
Walk the line? Oh I'm like soooooooo glad you asked about that!!!!! It's a film I like really treasure and working with that guy who was in it with me was a very non bogus experience.
When they like first asked me to do it I was like no way!!! I didn't even know who Johnny Money was!!! But then they like offered me loads of money and I was like Doh!!!!!And then when they like gave me an Oscar I was like ohhhhhh my god thanks!!!

ND-Yeah great.

RW-Where do I see my career going in the future? Ohhhhhhh my god I like sooooooo don't know, but I would like definitely like to do more films, cos they like give you loads of money and other cool stuff like awards and stuff and one time right, I was like going to that Oscars thing right? And they like gave me designer clothes to wear!!!!! I didn't even have to pay for them and my friend Lydia was like" ohhhh my god Reese that is soooooo cool, they like gave you designer stuff free!!!!!" And I was like I know!!!!!!! How cool is that!!!!!!!

ND- Your chin really is massive, I knew it was big from seeing it in pictures but close up it's huge, it looks like it should have its own satellites. If not it's own moons then it definitely needs its own postcode. In fact it's not just your chin, your whole head is huge! You look like a melon stuck on a pencil.

RW- How long will I be in London? Oh just a few days, Reese unhappy boo hoo. I like wish I could live here, it's sooooo cool and if you like had movies and TV and stuff I totally swear I would!! I'm not kidding!!! I sooooo would!!!! I would!!!!! Honest!!!! I sooooooo would!!!!!

ND-I cant take my eyes off your grotesquely deformed face, when you see it up on the big screen you think to yourself, ok it is gonna look big because its up there on a big screen, but Jesus Christ in real life you look like you are on a big screen! Looking at you is like watching you on Imax.

RW-What? What did you say????? I am sooooooo not telling you about my love life!!! You're bad!!!! I'm like at a place right now where I'm not actively seeking love but if it comes along I won't like say no. It's like my friend Lydia says "Hellooooooo, guys are like great but I'm not gonna like go chasing them and then like cry if I don't like get one, helloooooo!!!"

ND-Yeah great, melon head.

RW-Music???? I'm like sooooo glad you asked me that!!!!! I like have a single out next month in the states called "Why does the world love me" It's a hip hop/country/jungle/R and B style rock song about the pressures of being Reese Witherspoon. People are like "Reese!!!! We knew you were great at doing like films and stuff, but music!!!!!! Are you like some kind of like genius!!! Like that ninja turtle, Leonardo, who did all them paintings and stuff!!!!" And I'm like Doh!!!! I have been into music like forever!!! Even before I did like acting and stuff!!!

ND- Jesus Christ, my legs have gone numb.

RW- It's been a real pleasure to meet you too!!!! Like if you ever come to LA you should sooooo look me up!!! I could show you some shops YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE!!!!!!! No I mean it!!!!
YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!.

At this point one of Ms Witherspoon's people stood her up and led her still chattering towards the door.
I'm sorry.

Yorkshire day

"Ow much did tha' say it were? I'm not paying tha"
Unknown Yorkshire man.

As most intelligent right thinking normal people will no doubt know, The first of august is one of the most important dates chiseled into the metaphorical face of the Gregorian calendar.
It is of course Yorkshire day, a semi religious bank holiday for all of the folks lucky enough to have appeared from between their mothers legs within the Borders of god's own county.

To mark Yorkshire day News direct has put together this short but informative history of "The most magical place on earth." (What's that? That's Disney's Trademarked logo? Well Disney can kiss my hairy Yorkshire arse!)

For those who don't know or are, god forbid foreign, Yorkshire is England's largest county and was first created by the lord god almighty himself on, I think, the first Thursday after he had made the things "that creepeth upon the groundeth and the things that flyeth in the skyeth."
But the holy connections do not stop at Yorkshire being one of the first places ever created, a majority of the world's biblical scholars now believe that the garden of Eden was situated somewhere within the rolling fertile farmlands of East Yorkshire. One possible site muted as the geographical centre was the tiny village of Wetwang, mostly due to their being a large apple tree on the village green and the fact that the landlord of the local pub is called Adam and his "wife" is called Steve.

Having had such illustrious beginnings one might expect the flat vowelled demi gods lucky enough to have been born within this green and pleasant land to be boorish insular braggarts, intent upon impressing their way of thinking onto those poor unfortunates the Yorkshire people call "Them there outsiders"
You might expect this, but nothing could be further from the truth it has been scientifically proven by scientists working at NASA'S jet propulsion labs in Pasadena, that Yorkshire people are the nicest people in the whole of the world, beating out the whale breathed Inuit people by over ten science points.

Yorkshire's integral place within the scheme of god's creation has subsequently been reinforced by the discovery of a small stable deep in the Yorkshire dales that scientists have now confirmed may once have belonged to a Jewish carpenter with a beard.
This connection to the Jews may also have contributed to the widespread myth that Yorkshire people are, shall we say, careful with their money, for like the Jewish people we too have been tarred with the stigma of avarice.
That's not to say this reputation is totally unfounded in hard scientific fact because it is well known that the only way to get a Yorkshire man to buy you a drink is to buy him a pub, marry his daughter or kill a Lancashire man. Do all three and he may just make it a double.

This brings me to one of Satan's foulest creations, Lancashire. The very name drips with all that is evil and wrong in the world which is how it has been since the beginning of time immemorial, in fact up until 1782 Satan's county was called pedoshire.
It is maybe some grand cosmic joke that made the good lord place this foul den of inequity next to the glorious Jerusalem of Yorkshire or maybe he just wanted to show the peoples of the earth the contrasts between his magnificent glory and the dark light of Beelzebub, we can never know.

In wrapping up this short tribute to the world's most important place, I'd just like to say to anybody thinking of moving to Yorkshire, don't bother we are full.

The obscene tree of Fort Jesus

Fort Jesus- Nestled in the quiet hillbilly magnificence of the Ozark mountains sits the quietly inbred community of Fort Jesus, Arkansas.
For generations this sleepy town has slumbered through the tumultuous revolutions of history and has been perfectly content with the quiet anonymity that isolation and a fondness for shot guns brings.

Things changed suddenly late last week when a local man named Earl P Ford was found by passing state troopers masturbating furiously before an obscene birch tree.
Sheriff Wilton Dicks, one of the arresting officers, told me of the moment he discovered Mr Ford in mid stroke "We had just finished lunch and were driving back into town when my partner screeched to a halt, grabbed the radio and screamed 'What in the name of Jesus's holy donkey are doing son!' It was then that I saw Mr Ford about to splatter the filthiest looking tree I ever saw with his silver baby juice."

After both officers recovered from the shock they rushed over quickly and arrested the still shaking Mr ford "When we got him it was a fraction of a second too late, he had emitted his procreative gravy and was in the process of pulling up his dungarees. After we had cuffed him all he could say was that he couldn't help himself and slutty trees shouldn't ought to be allowed to tempt innocent god fearing men into acts of self defilement. I must admit after seeing the lascivious tree close up, old Earl has a point."

This should have been the end of the story, but because the tree had decided to put on its lewd display close to a local school, it was decided by outraged town officials that it must be cut down before the innocence of any passing children was unduly besmirched.

Before local authorities could get to the tree and put a stop to its filthy growth, a local Pastor saw the tree and immediately declared that it was not wooden pornography, but god given representation of a dying Christ on the cross sent by the lord to redeem local sinners.

The Pastor was so taken with the tree that he immediately chained himself to the trunk and began to loudly sing "Onward Christian soldiers" and preach to the bemused tree surgeons the city council had sent to remove the tree.
With things now reaching an impasse and tempers beginning to fray, It was the local librarian Mrs Eleanor Deutsch who suggested a compromise that has led to the peaceful resolution of Fort Jesus's filthy Birch/dying Jesus problem.
She came up with the brilliant solution of knitting a kaftan for the tree thus rendering it inoffensive and still capable of religious veneration.

So now whenever Mr Ford or for that matter any innocent school children pass by the offending tree all they will see is a silver birch clad in a modest woolen kaftan.
All thanks to the simple application of a woman's reason.

The Pope arrives in Brazil

Sao Paulo- His holiness Pope Benedict XVI today arrived in Brazil to begin his Five day tour of the worlds most populous Catholic nation and declared "I wish to be left alone, this is a holiday trip for me and not a business trip."

The pope looking tanned and relaxed was whisked through airport security by team of burly minders and in to a waiting pope mobile.
His Holiness is believed to have told Government officials that he doesn't want any fuss made and they should treat him like any other tourist.

The huge crowds that turned out to greet the Nazi pope were to be left disappointed as he was whisked away from the airport immediately and did not engage in his usual meet the believers walkabout.
One woman who had walked all the way from Rio holding a box containing a three month old fetus was in tears at his rapid departure and brusque attitude.
When asked why she had brought the fetus to see the pope she said "I wanted to show him I fully support his brave stance on abortion and have had one recently in accordance with his wishes."
When it was pointed out that the pope is believed to be against abortion she shrugged and replied "Well I'm not Catholic anyway."

Pope Benedict is believed to be staying in Brazil for five days before flying on to Florida to do some cheap shopping and visit the areas many theme parks. After this he will then fly home to his small bachelor apartment in central Rome and resume his role as spiritual father to the world's one billion catholics.

Mysterious last page of the bible found

Cairo - Among the winding alleyways of Cairo's medieval old town, nestled between the coffee shops and spice stalls, sits the small souvenier shop of Mr Ali Mahmoud.

It is from within in this forgotten dusty corner of the Arab world, that a strange and fascinating tale is beginning to emerge.

The story began late last summer in the sweltering back room of Mr Mahmoud's shop. He had recently received a fresh consignment of Tutankhamun figurines and needed to move some of his older stock out into the back to make room for his new arrivals.
It was while clearing a space for these new arrivals that Mr Mahmoud discovered an old cedar chest bearing strange inscriptions, which archeologists have now confirmed to be third century coptic.

Upon opening the dusty chest, Mr Mahmoud was disappointed to find, not priceless treasures, but an apparently worthless piece of parchment.
Disappointed with his find Mr Mahmoud took the parchment and placed it on the counter of his shop with the intention of using it as a coaster for the countless cups of strong coffee he consumes during his working day.

It was there some months later that visiting American Professor of theology, Dr Nathan Bendemeyer chanced upon what some are calling "The most important piece of paper ever found."
For it was Professor Bendemeyer who immediately recognised the "coaster" for what it actually was, a missing page from the best selling New testament.

After procuring the priceless artifact from Mr Mahmoud for the price of a cup of strong Arabic coffee, Dr Bendemeyer flew straight back to the United states and rushed the ancient document from the airport to the Harvard University's department of quite old things.
After subjecting the document to batteries of extremely complicated scientific tests and eventually proving beyond doubt the antiquity of the find, Harvard's experts in ancient Coptic things began to slowly translate the Professor's amazing find.

As the text of the page was painstakingly translated by the ten strong team of Coptic scholars, it soon became clear that the page was indeed a missing page from the New testament and appeared to be the very last page of that most holy of tomes.

So far only the first paragraph has been translated into english and reads as follows, "All events and people depicted in this book are (missing word) and any similarity to events or people are purely (missing word). The author of this book claims that he is the sole author and reserves the right..."

Biblical scholars are still arguing as to the meaning of this cryptic passage,with most airing on the side of caution and declaring it a lost parable of Jesus Christ.

There will be much debate within the theological community and beyond, as more of the page's ancient secrets are slowly translated and begin shed a little more light upon the words of the globe's most famous Jewish mystic.