News direct meets the Dalai lama

Regular readers of News direct will not be surprised by the awesome quality of today's special interviewee.
We have really pushed the boat out this easter and flown his holiness the Dalai lama over ten thousand miles from his luxurious
Himalayan retreat all the way to the News direct offices just so we can question him on your behalf.

News direct (sung)-Well hello Dalai! It's nice be back home where you belong, You're looking swell Dalai, I can tell Dalai....

Dalai lama-Pardon?

Nd- You know the song from the old film Hello dolly. You must have seen it, it's always on TV.

Dl-I'm sorry but I don't own a television.

Nd-You don't have a television!!!!

Dl-No.

Nd-Ohhh man!! What do you do????

Dl-When I'm not fulfilling my religious duties I spend my time meditating upon the profound mysteries of the universe.

Nd-Have you never even seen Pop idol???

Dl-No, I just told you I don't own a television.

Nd-Ohhh man Pop idol is the best, they get like these care in the community type people and let them audition to be pop stars. You'd love it, cos I believe you had to go through something similar to become the leader of the Muslim people didn't you?

Dl-I am not the leader of the Muslim people, I'm the Tibetan peoples spiritual guide.

Nd-Oh right, I thought you was a Muslim.

Dl-No, I'm a Bhuddist.

Nd-A what?

Dl-I'm a follower of the teachings of the great lord Bhudda.

Nd-The what?

Dl-The great lord Bhudda.

Nd-Nope, you've lost me.

Dl-Well as lord Bhudda himself said 'That which is lost must inevitably be found.'

Nd-Yeah great, I think we should really get this interview started now, I still can't believe you don't have a TV that's just mad, soooooo Dalai..... I can call you by your first name can't I?

Dl-As your Shakespeare said 'A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet'.

Nd-I thought you didn't have a telly!!!!

Dl- I don't, I have read Mr Shakespeare's works.

Nd-Oh you read a lot do you?

Dl-To read is to understand man and to understand man is to have true knowledge.

Nd-Never really got into reading much, though I did read Bravo two zero by Andy Mcnab, have you read that?

Dl-I don't believe I have no.

Nd-You should get it it's brilliant, he was like this SAS guy in the Gulf war and there is at least two killings on every page!!! It's awesome!!! Like there's one bit where he 'slots' four republican guards with just one bullet then somersaults over a wall and takes out six more with just his knife and his bare hands!!! You should get a copy in the airport for the flight home.

Dl-Lord Bhudda said 'Violence is the reaction of the foolish man to circumstances he does not comprehend' The law of karma negates violence as an option for the man who truly understands the universal laws of existence.

Nd-I think you can get it for about eight quid in paperback. If you can't get it in the airport try looking on Amazon they will definitely have it, hang on what's this karma thing? Isn't that something to do with gays?

Dl-Karma states that every action has a reaction and as the lord Jesus said 'What ye sow, so shall ye reap' violence begats violence.

Nd-I think you're mistaken on the Karma thing mate.

Dl-I think not my wise friend.

Nd-I think so.

Dl- And why do you believe I'm mistaken.

Nd-Well in the Boy George song he expressly says 'karma karma chameleon you come and go, you come and go' I believe it's about quick homosexual toilet sex. You want me to edit this bit of interview out? You've made yourself look a bit of a tit.

Dl-You must do as your conscience dictates.

Nd-Suit yourself, I'll leave it in, but don't come crying to me when you realise what a fool you look.

Dl-I trust my words will be seen for what they are.

Nd-That's why I was giving you option to change them! Anyway Dalai tell me about....where is it you're from again?

Dl-Tibet.

Nd-That's right Tibet, for some reason I was thinking you were from Toxeth.

Dl-No I'm from Tibet.

Nd-Yeah it's mad cos I was thinking he don't sound like he is from Liverpool.

Dl-That's because I am not, I am from Tibet.

Nd-Yeah well I know that now!! I was saying before I thought you were from Toxeth, if you don't mind me saying you can be a it slow sometimes.

Dl-No I don't mind, for sometimes is not the fool the cleverest person in the room?

Nd-Errrrrrrr.....no.

Dl-Well it has been lovely speaking to you but I'm afraid my schedule is such that I must conclude our enlightening chat.

Nd-Already!!! There's loads I haven't asked you yet!! You international superstars are all the same, haven't got time to give back to your fans!! Those are the people who made you, you know!!

Dl-I can spare you two more minutes.

Nd-Ohhhh...errrrr.....ohhh your rushing me now and I can't think what I was going to ask you.

Dl-Calm your mind, let it become a calm pool in the wind of thought.

Nd-Right calm pool, right............what's your favourite colour?

Dl-All colour is just the result of light bouncing from an objects surface thus disguising the objects true nature, therefore I have no favourite colour as I'm a seeker of truth.

Nd-I like red.

Dl-Goodbye.

Nd-Yeah see ya mate! Don't forget!!! Bravo two zero it's by Andy Mcnab!!!! That's ANDY M-A-C-K-N-......M-A-C-K.....ohhhh just ask them at the counter they will know what you mean!

Love is the law

Scarborough-The human mind is a fragile thing, a complex web of interwoven neural pathways designed to unconsciously regulate our bodies and store the critical information any animal needs to ensure its own survival.

But surely there is more to the brain, than it being a just a glorified gelatin based supercomputer?
The ancient Egyptians believed that all thought came from the heart and that the brain was merely used to fill up the head cavity and stop people from feeling light headed, a spongy sort of ballast if you will.

We here at News direct being of a curious, almost scientific, nature decided to travel to the once beautiful seaside resort of Scarborough to meet a man who has devoted his whole life to unlocking the eternal secrets of the human mind.
Dr Shirlington P Lovebody, was at one time the most respected neurosurgeon ever to work in the UK, his international reputation as the world's foremost expert on brain injury and rehabilitation, ensured his speaking tours and teaching seminars were a must for any self respecting surgeon to attend.
That was until five years ago when Dr Lovebody suddenly announced to a stunned world that he had been told by god to go to Scarborough and teach people that 'Love is the law'
Since his unexpected revelation the doctor has become a semi mystical guru, using his knowledge of the human brain to teach what he has called 'The new religion of love science, man'

On the train up to Scarborough I decided to ask a few fellow passengers what they thought of Dr lovebody, to see if I could get some overall angle on the perceptions now current, the answers mainly ranged from a chortled 'Is that that mad doctor bloke?' to a slightly paranoid 'If you don't leave me alone this instant, I will call the guard'
All of this ridicule and paranoia intrigued me and confirmed to me that my meeting with the mysterious Dr Shirlington P lovebody would definitely be a day to remember.

Dr Lovebody's Mystical retreat sits lonely and windswept atop the ragged and dramatic cliffs overlooking the quietly tarnished and almost deserted streets of old Scarborough town.
By time I had managed to clamber through the driving rain and up the steep non existent path to the door of the retreat, the howling North sea wind had blown me off the knee length 'path' twice, I had fallen into nettles once and I had trodden in at least two piles of what I assumed to be either fishy smelling dog shit or sea gull's vomit.
Bracing myself against the hurricane strength wind I knocked loudly on the brightly painted orange, purple and red door.
The door opened to reveal a middle aged woman flabbily dressed in absolutely nothing at all. She shouted into the raging hurricane "Can I help you?"
I dragged my eyes from the huge swollen nipples, that were no doubt irritating her hidden knees and shouted against the screaming wind "I'm here to see Dr Lovebody!!"
"You love what dear?"
"No I'm here to see Dr Lovebody!!, Dr Shirlington P Lovebody!!!"
"You love somebody called Shirley? That's nice dear, after all love is the law."
She then slammed the door shut.
The wind whisked away my obscenities, no doubt delivering the stolen words to someone sat somewhere far below the cliff top enjoying a soon to be interrupted quiet moment.
I knocked again.
"Oh hello! Back again? How's Shirley?"
I gestured for her to let me in, she shrugged and heaved her huge frame to one side to allow me entrance. I stepped into the warmth of the retreat, and tried in vain to remove my haystack hair from my stinging eyes, as she slammed the door shut behind me.
She swung her voluminous frame back before me and with a nose wrinkled in disgust she said "Well dear?"
Realising I had offended her olfactory senses with my sudden shit/vomit encrusted appearance
I stammered through blue lips "Fe...fe...fell off......path...maybe vomit...shit...I...sorry...I don't know."
She gave me a kind look that all at once said 'You poor unfortunate creature' and 'Jesus!! that's definitely shit'
She put a wary but comforting hand onto my cold wet shoulder "Are you the chappy from that Story news directly to you thingy?"
I nodded, unable but desperately wanting to correct her.
"You come through here love and sit by the fire and I'll tell the doctor you are here."
She guided me slowly into a huge armchair before the roaring fire in what I guessed was the doctor's study.
"You sit yourself down and warm up and I'll get you something dry to wear."
She disappeared.
The fire had started to inject some feeling back into my body now, and as I gazed around the tidy but haphazard room the woman reappeared holding some type of purple kaftan arrangement.
"Get out of those wet clothes, this should fit you."
I stared in horror at the offered garment "No honestly, I'll be fine now, I just needed to warm up."
"Nonsense, Come on Mr!! clothes off."
"No honestly, I'll be alright."
"Don't be a naughty little soldier, clothes off."
Before I could protest further she had stood me up and was busy removing my jacket, by the time my next protestations had left my mouth I was semi naked and holding tightly onto the top of my trousers.
"Well you are a shy one aren't you! I've never seen so much fuss about changing clothes!"
I fought her for control of my trouser zip "I'm okay honestly!!"
"Don't be a silly boy, you don't have to be shy with me I can assure you I have seen plenty of what you are hiding down there!"
"I don't want to take my trousers off!!"
"Nonsense!" And with that I was stood naked before her self satisfied smile.
She ran her homely eyes over my shivering pale white body "I can see why you were a little shy, he's a tiny little fellow isn't he!"
I looked behind me, figuring she was referring to some newly arrived dwarf, seeing none I followed her pitying glance down to my shriveled manhood "It's not always like that!! I'm cold!!"
She removed her eyes from its cowering ineptitude and gave me a reassuring smile "Course you are dear."
"I am!! It's bloody freezing out there!!"
"Yes it is quite cold dear."
"Well yeah, so that's why it looks like that."
"Like an emaciated Eskimo?"
"Well I wouldn't have put it quite like that, but yeah."
"I believe you."
"It's normally much bigger."
"I'm sure it is dear."
"It is!!"
She handed me the kaftan and I became the first person in the history of clothing to be grateful for a purple kaftan.
"I'll put your clothes through the washer and drier, sit yourself down the doctor will be with you shortly."
"Why you calling me shortly??"
"I'm not, I'm just saying the doctor will be with you in a short while."
"Oh, okay."
She left me to luxuriate in my new found kaftan happiness before the crackling bliss of the open fire.

Twenty minutes later, a soft poke in the side of my head returned me from the slack embrace of Morpheus and instantly into the cluttered, but comfortable study. I looked sideways at the finger that was poking me into the world and before it could poke again, I flinched and glared at its owner.
The man prodding me back into the world of solids was none other than Dr Shirlington P Lovebody, purple kafataned mystic and heavily qualified visionary.
The doctor stroked his long Grey beard "I'm sorry son, did I startle you?"
I rubbed the stray sleep from my eyes "No, not at all, I was just preparing my interview notes."
The doctor fell for my cunning ruse and seated himself cross legged on the floor by my chair.
I looked down onto his bald pate "You want this chair?"
He beamed a subtle almost transcendental smile "No I'm fine here, chairs are part of my old life now. I prefer to be connected to mother earth and let her send her vibrant love energy up through my anal portal and into my cerebral cortex."
"Oh, errr...right, sorry that has thrown me a bit...errrr.....so tell me about your Saint Paul moment."
The doctor fluidly spun his fingers into some kind of ancient mediative position "Well it all began five years ago, I was doing brilliant, almost revolutionary work in the field of Neuro science and had, as I'm sure you can imagine, achieved a very comfortable lifestyle. I had all a man could wish for..."
"You had champagne fountains, sexual pandas and a monkey butler??? Wow!!!"
He cocked his head to one side "Errr..No."
"Well with all due respect doctor, you might have been doing well but you certainly didn't have it all."
He gave me a look I had seen many times before and continued on "Well as I was saying, I had....nearly everything a man could wish for, but deep inside I still felt a great unhappiness it would sometimes surge up and engulf me with the realisation that life was a just pointless series of futile moments punctuated by tiny diamonds of happiness. One day after one of these nihilistic episodes I heard a voice calling out to me...Shirlingtonnnnn.....Shirlingtonnnnnn......Shirlingtonnnnnnnn."
I interrupted his echoing flow "You'd left the phone off the hook?"
"No, It was God."
"On the phone?"
"No you idiot, this was inside my head."
"So you're the one hearing voices and you have the cheek to call me an idiot."
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you an idiot."
"Just for your information, I'm not an idiot actually."
"No I didn't mean it honestly."
"I got three, count them THREE!!" I held up four fingers to further illustrate my point "Three GCSE'S"
"Well yes, you're obviously a cultured and educated man and I honestly meant no offence to you."
"Well that's alright then."
He straightened his back, brushed back his long Grey beard and continued "Where was I?"
"You were on the phone to someone claiming to be god."
"You really have three GCSE'S?"
"Yeah."
"What are they in?"
"Woodwork, P.E and interpretive dance."
"Oh right...... anyway I was on the phone to God and told me in no uncertain terms that I was to immediately leave London, travel up here, build my commune and await further instructions, regarding the true nature of the universe. Of course I immediately obeyed and have been here for the last five years awaiting his next revelation."
"Why Scarborough?"
"I don't know, that puzzled me too."
"You would think this God character would choose somewhere more spiritually uplifting."
"Yeah, you would think so wouldn't you."
"Are you sure you didn't mishear him? Maybe he said go to Skegness."
"God doesn't stutter."
"No I suppose not, so what's all this love is the law business about?"
"Well that was his initial revelation to me."
"This was in the first phone call?"
"Err..yeah."
"So what's he say?"
"He said 'Let this truth be known, there is only one law and the law of the universe is love'"
"Quite vague then."
"Well not really, if you think about it its a very profound statement that reaches into the very heart of mans quest for the ultimate knowledge of himself and the universe surrounding him."
I thought about it for a moment "Nah."
"What you mean nah?"
"Well if someone told me to give up my sex pandas, champagne fountains and monkey butler and go all the way to Scarborough, I'd want a better reason than that."
"You don't question the divine essence of the universe."
"I would."
"Well I'm obviously not as smart as you, am I."
"Obviously not."
"Do you have everything you need now? It's time for my mid day meditation session now."
I stood up and smoothed down my regal kaftan "Can I keep this? I'm getting quite into it now."
He stood and placed his hand into mine "Course you can, do you want me to get Audrey to put your other clothes into a carrier bag for you?"
"Nah, just burn them I'm gonna start wearing these all the time now. You get a lot of refreshing air round your bits don't you."
"You do indeed, can cool the little fellow right down."
"What you mean by that???"
"Nothing."
"She said something didn't she?"
"No."
"Bloody Audrey!! I was cold and wet, you know about shrinkage don't you?"
"Of course, but I can promise you she didn't say anything I was just making small talk."
"Whats that supposed to mean???"
"Nothing! your being a little paranoid now, which leads me to believe that you do actually have a small penis and there was very little, if any, shrinkage at all."
"Thats a god damn lie take it back!!!!"
"I'm sorry, I was only kidding around with you, Audrey actually said she could tell that it would be a monster given the right conditions and a favourable wind."
"Did she?"
"Yeah, she made it abundantly clear how impressed she thought she might be if she were ever to see it under more advantageous conditions."
The doctor graciously opened the front door for me and gently prodded me out into the howling North sea gale.
"That's right!!! It is more than average in the right conditions!!"
The doctor nodded, waved and shouted "Watch that stone behind you!!!" before slamming shut the door to his deity appointed commune.
"What stone?"

The obscene tree of Fort Jesus

Fort Jesus- Nestled in the quiet hillbilly magnificence of the Ozark mountains sits the quietly inbred community of Fort Jesus, Arkansas.
For generations this sleepy town has slumbered through the tumultuous revolutions of history and has been perfectly content with the quiet anonymity that isolation and a fondness for shot guns brings.

Things changed suddenly late last week when a local man named Earl P Ford was found by passing state troopers masturbating furiously before an obscene birch tree.
Sheriff Wilton Dicks, one of the arresting officers, told me of the moment he discovered Mr Ford in mid stroke "We had just finished lunch and were driving back into town when my partner screeched to a halt, grabbed the radio and screamed 'What in the name of Jesus's holy donkey are doing son!' It was then that I saw Mr Ford about to splatter the filthiest looking tree I ever saw with his silver baby juice."

After both officers recovered from the shock they rushed over quickly and arrested the still shaking Mr ford "When we got him it was a fraction of a second too late, he had emitted his procreative gravy and was in the process of pulling up his dungarees. After we had cuffed him all he could say was that he couldn't help himself and slutty trees shouldn't ought to be allowed to tempt innocent god fearing men into acts of self defilement. I must admit after seeing the lascivious tree close up, old Earl has a point."

This should have been the end of the story, but because the tree had decided to put on its lewd display close to a local school, it was decided by outraged town officials that it must be cut down before the innocence of any passing children was unduly besmirched.

Before local authorities could get to the tree and put a stop to its filthy growth, a local Pastor saw the tree and immediately declared that it was not wooden pornography, but god given representation of a dying Christ on the cross sent by the lord to redeem local sinners.

The Pastor was so taken with the tree that he immediately chained himself to the trunk and began to loudly sing "Onward Christian soldiers" and preach to the bemused tree surgeons the city council had sent to remove the tree.
With things now reaching an impasse and tempers beginning to fray, It was the local librarian Mrs Eleanor Deutsch who suggested a compromise that has led to the peaceful resolution of Fort Jesus's filthy Birch/dying Jesus problem.
She came up with the brilliant solution of knitting a kaftan for the tree thus rendering it inoffensive and still capable of religious veneration.

So now whenever Mr Ford or for that matter any innocent school children pass by the offending tree all they will see is a silver birch clad in a modest woolen kaftan.
All thanks to the simple application of a woman's reason.

God to disband Christianity

New york- At a hastily arranged press conference this morning in the Plaza hotel's grand ballroom a "tired and emotional" Jehovah declared to waiting reporters that as from next week, the world's Christians were no longer welcome within his houses of worship and that hence forth all Christian worship of him or mention of his name would be treated as copyright infringement and trade mark violation.

An obviously emotional supreme being confessed that he had spent many sleepless eternities debating his decision to ban the still growing messiah cult and said he hoped "people would understand"
When asked what had led him to take such drastic steps he declared "After many, many, many hours of soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I cannot continue to allow such odious intolerant hypocritical mortals to continue to use my name to justify countless acts of intolerance, hatred and in some extreme cases genocide."

When it was pointed out that he himself had at one time encouraged his "chosen people" to commit acts such as genocide in his best selling account of the Jews, known as the Bible.
He looked exasperated and quietly confessed that he "had changed a lot since then, and everyone does things they think are right in their younger days, only to look back with regrets and a determination not to repeat the same mistakes."

When asked whether his basic language of symbolism had been grossly misrepresented by corrupt officials and uneducated blind believers, he could only nod quietly and declare that he would take no more questions.
What effect this will have on the world's estimated two billion Christians is still unclear and with no word yet from the Vatican, believers worldwide are waiting anxiously to see which way this story will swing.

Most Christians this reporter has spoken to about the shock announcement have declared God's decision unconstitutional and have vowed to fight any ban in the highest court in the land.
Hubert P Lovebody, a born again evangelical from Sodom, Georgia, told me "I don't care if he does ban me! I will still worship him, it's gone beyond simple deity worship now, and too many people have a lot of money and votes invested in this thing just to let him ban us."

So it seems the Almighty one will have quite a fight on his hands if he is to carry out his threat to ban the people he has often referred to in the past as "cross junkies" from entering his churches and worshipping him against his divine will.

Foreskin of Christ found!

Jerusalem - Amazing news from Jerusalem today as a team of Israeli archaeologists from the University of Tel Aviv, sensationally confirmed that the foreskin of the infant baby Jesus, known to followers throughout the world as the "Christ" had been found on a piece of waste ground in a quiet suburb of Jerusalem.

Dr Avram Cohen, head of the team who made the history making discovery told reporters from the worlds media about the find at a chaotic news conference earlier this afternoon.

Dr Cohen, a leading authority on ancient foreskins stated categorically that this was indeed the missing piece of the Christ puzzle that has for over 2000 years been the holy grail of the worlds archaeological community. He went on to say that after subjecting the half inch long piece of penile skin to a battery of complex and highly scientific tests he could indeed without a shadow of a doubt and with absolute authority say that this might possibly be the holy foreskin of biblical legend.

The news has sent shock waves through the normally sedate world of religion and has had believers flocking to the holy city in their thousands to gaze upon the most holy of penile relics.

No word has yet been forthcoming from the Vatican about the amazing find, but most Vatican watchers agree that it is only a matter of time before Pope Benedict formally welcomes the news and announces he will be making a pilgrimage to Jerusalem to kiss the holy relic.

Vatican to open luxury brothels

Rome - Astonishing news from Vatican city today, as Monsignor Alphonse Di Vachi, head of a papal commission, looking into ways for the Vatican to maximise falling profits, startled believers and atheists alike when he announced that his new report would urge the holy father pope Benedict, to consider opening a sting of worldwide luxury brothels.

The Monsignor justified the findings of his thirty strong commission of cardinals by saying, "The initial remit the holy father gave us was to think outside the box, and really tackle the crippling financial problems the church has been having of late and after looking into the various ways we could achieve this, we eventually came to the conclusion that brothels was the best solution available to us at this present time."

Monsignor Di Vachi went on to say that the new "Temples of relaxation." wouldn't be the sleazy knocking shops familiar to most punters but would instead be "paragons of good taste and genteel refinement".

When questioned on the obvious expense of the commision's new plan, the Monsignor stated, "Well that's the beauty of the whole plan really, we already have convents full of virgins sitting around doing nothing, it will be these sisters of Christ, who will be encouraged to open up the convent doors to gentlemen believers."

Monsignor Di Vachi also stated that the new "Temples of relaxation" would of course only be open to card carrying members of the catholic church.
He went on to clarify this point by saying, "of course, if a catholic member wanted to bring a non catholic friend, say a Jew or a Hindu, he would be able to sign him in just the once and then if the friend would like further visits he would obviously have to join the church."

It has been a well attested fact that the catholic church has lost a lot of money recently due to a combination of bad investments and falling numbers of believers and it looks as though the catholic church has finally decided to modernize its archaic institutions and perhaps, just perhaps, add a bit little glamour to a fading super power.