Fast food, a dinner for four?

London-Terry O'Connell is a man on a mission, the thirty six year old farmer from Essex has just unveiled the first of his genetically engineered farm animals which he is hoping will soon grace the nation's dinner tables.
The bird pictured here is named Perhaps Colin
and has been genetically manipulated to produce four tasty legs and so end the typical 'who gets a leg' argument familiar to every family of four.

Speaking to me earlier by telephone from his one hundred acre Essex farm, Mr O'Connell told me how he came up with this revolution in chicken leg technology "I originally developed the birds as racing animals and was intent on setting up a chicken racing circuit similar to the Formula one franchise, but the original backers dropped out due to the bird flu scare and I was left with six thousand four legged racing chickens.
I don't mind telling you this was my lowest ebb and at one point I was very close to bankruptcy, but as the old saying goes every cloud has a silver lining."

Mr O'Connell then went on to tell me how he audaciously snatched victory from the gaping jaws of defeat.
"The breakthrough came when I was really getting desperate, I had spent the day trying to train my fastest chicken, Mottled Jim, to complete a specially designed steeplechase course I'd based on the grand national course at Aintree.
Everything was going well until he came tearing down the course up to the Beecher's brook fence he then totally misjudged the height and came down hard on one of his back legs.
I don't mind telling you, I was in floods of tears when I realized his racing career was over.
It was my wife who suggested we should eat him as a tribute to a career unfulfilled.
It was then during Mottled Jim's tribute dinner that I suddenly realized each one of the four people at the table were chewing on one of Mottled Jim's legs, it was my eureka moment."

Since his eureka moment Mr O'Connell has secured two lucrative supermarket contracts and is in talks with a certain fast food company whom he refuses to name at this present time but did reveal they were very interested in coating some of Mr O' Connell's former athletes in secret spices and seeing how it goes.

Famous British explorer lost

Bangkok-World famous British explorer, writer and bon vivant Sir Marmaduke Malaya is tonight the centre of a massive manhunt focusing on Thailand's famous Pattaya beach resort. Which since his divorce from his third wife Mitzti has been sir Marmaduke's main home.
Sir Marmaduke, famous the world over for his heroic but failed attempt to swim naked from Antarctica to Tierra del fuego, was last seen early Friday evening by his girlfriend Ms Starflower Lon Kok, 17, who has subsequently told the Royal Thai police that sir Marmaduke had told her that he was "Just popping down to the market for lubricant."

Ms Lon Kok then contacted police later that evening when Sir Marmaduke failed to return from the all night sex market and host his regular Friday night soirée.
Police immediately began to comb the famous Pattaya beach resorts bars and clubs in the hope that the world's greatest living explorer had been lured into one of the many bars on his way home and lost track of time.

Sir Marmaduke was a regular sight in some of the resorts seedier bars and could often be seen sat at the bar drinking vodka and Creme de menthe cocktails while regaling tourists and young bar girls with his tales of daring do.
Sir Marmaduke was also said to be particularly fond of watching the local girls trying to outdo each other at the traditional Thai sport of ping pong.

It's believed police are now working on premise that Sir Marmaduke has taken the lucky winner away to celebrate, but are still refusing to rule out suspicious circumstances.
Her majesty Queen Elizabeth has asked the Thai prime minister to keep her informed and this reporter has it on good authority that her majesty is said by palace insiders to be "extremely concerned" as to the greatest living Britons whereabouts.

Latest terror plot averted

Washington D.C- At a press conference this morning officials from the Department of homeland security revealed details of the latest "Hollywood" style plot to have been foiled by the nation's zealous security services.
Thomas A Kitzenberger, head of Muslim surveillance, began the press briefing by saying "Ladies and gentlemen, We here at the Department of homeland security are pleased to announce that early yesterday morning officers from the religious intolerance squad of the Department of homeland security in conjunction with the FBI and sections of the ATF, staged a series of televisually stunning raids at a six separate addresses in the New york area. These brilliantly cinematic operations, I can now reveal, were spectacular success's and we believe may have foiled the most spectacular terrorist plot since the atrocity attempted in Die hard 2."

Mr Kitzenberger then went on to reveal details of the latest audacious attempt to mortally injure liberty.
"We have now taken into custody four dark skinned men and two light skinned men all of whom are believed to be followers of the prophet Mohamed, due to the fact that pitta bread was found in one of the suspects kitchens.
The gang, believed to be associated with Al quada elements controlling operations from deep within Guantanamo, had planned on using their filthy Muslim penis's to urinate in New York's largest reservoir, thereby contaminating the drinking water of over twenty million god fearing Americans.
But due to the diligence of our all consuming and ever watchful security services their foul attempt to make countless numbers of innocent men, women and children drink non Christian urine has been foiled.
I would also like to take this opportunity to thank our special undercover agent who has lived among these animals for the last six months, and without whom none of these arrests would have been possible.
The agent, with no regard for his own personal safety gained the trust of these ghastly criminals and over a period of months rose within their ranks to become their leader.
It was only then after months spent in some of the seediest Muslim bars in New york, that the gang began to plan their fateful strike at the heart of American democracy and our peace loving republic.
After constantly refusing the weapons and explosives our brave undercover agent had offered to supply them, they at last relented and agreed to accompany him on a tour of New york to scout for possible targets.
After two days of constantly driving the criminals round New york, they begged to be driven home and it was on that fateful drive home that one of the suspects said 'How about I piss in the reservoir will that make you happy man?'
It was at this point we decided to pull our agent out and make the arrests before they could put this dastardly plan into action."

The men are now being held at an unknown location believed to be somewhere within the vast American empire.