The Pope arrives in Brazil

Sao Paulo- His holiness Pope Benedict XVI today arrived in Brazil to begin his Five day tour of the worlds most populous Catholic nation and declared "I wish to be left alone, this is a holiday trip for me and not a business trip."

The pope looking tanned and relaxed was whisked through airport security by team of burly minders and in to a waiting pope mobile.
His Holiness is believed to have told Government officials that he doesn't want any fuss made and they should treat him like any other tourist.

The huge crowds that turned out to greet the Nazi pope were to be left disappointed as he was whisked away from the airport immediately and did not engage in his usual meet the believers walkabout.
One woman who had walked all the way from Rio holding a box containing a three month old fetus was in tears at his rapid departure and brusque attitude.
When asked why she had brought the fetus to see the pope she said "I wanted to show him I fully support his brave stance on abortion and have had one recently in accordance with his wishes."
When it was pointed out that the pope is believed to be against abortion she shrugged and replied "Well I'm not Catholic anyway."

Pope Benedict is believed to be staying in Brazil for five days before flying on to Florida to do some cheap shopping and visit the areas many theme parks. After this he will then fly home to his small bachelor apartment in central Rome and resume his role as spiritual father to the world's one billion catholics.

Beckham shows the world his latest tattoo

New York- At a lively press conference in New York's trendy Soho district earlier today, a proud David Beckham showed the world his latest piece of skin art.
David, 48, has been secretly visiting Manny Palladino's New York tattoo parlour for the past three months after meeting the avant garde tattooist at a Manhattan party.

Mr Palladino proudly unveiled his latest master piece to an adoring press pack and declared it as his finest work to date.
Beckham looked slightly shocked at seeing the work for the first time and was heard to whisper to Palladino "Is them fish puffs Manny?"

When asked to explain the work Mr Palladino explained that he never explains his art and any explanation must come directly from the "canvas" as a tattoo is a very personal thing and can only be fully explained by whoever wears it.
An obviously confused Beckham straining to see all Palladino's work in the full length shop mirror said "Well I think its about that little mermaid film innit? I think the kids should like it, they love that film. I don't know why there are two German soldiers spitting at each other though, must be symbolic or something."

Mr Beckham went on to say he wanted to get the new tattoo in celebration of his move to L.A galaxy and also to show the sceptical American public that soccer was not a game for teenage girls and effeminate young boys, but a hard and brutal man's game .
He went on to say that he thought when his new team mates saw his new tattoo they would know he meant business and was not just there to pick up his massive wage packet.

Both Beckham and Palladino refused to comment when asked what the art work had cost and when pushed by curious journalists Palladino would only say "You cant put a price on something like that, just the look on Davids face was enough for me."

Sarkozy claims his bitch

Paris- The streets of Paris were eerily quiet this morning as news of the election victory of Nicholas "Le prince of darkness" Sarkozy was announced to a stunned and fearful population.

The normal hustle and bustle of one of the world's most cosmopolitan capitals has been replaced by shuttered up shops and the hideous realisation that the nation is now ruled over by a Neo con neophyte who has promised to make his idol Baroness Thatcher look like "A playful right wing kitten"

Mr Sarkozy, speaking from a secret lair deep beneath the labyrinthine streets of Paris, moved quickly to dispel the population's unwarranted fears and declared "Although I am now your dark overlord and as such demand the total cooperation of all people in my dark schemes, you should not fear me, fear only my vengeful wrath."

President Sarkozy's election defeat of the dour socialist housewife Segolene Royal was strangely enough forecast over four centuries ago by the famous seer and prophet Nostradamus who said in the thirty third quatrain of his master work "Things that will happen (probably)"

In the year of seven and two thousand the beast shall defeat the maid,
and all of France will tremble and fear be shared
before the power of the man they call "La tete de merde"

President Sarkozy's first big political test is set to come in July with the elections for the national assembly. Plans have already been put in place to begin rounding up political opponents in mid June to spare the President and his minions the arduous task of fixing yet another election.
Yves choix de satans, the presidents newly appointed world bank advisor has already stated that the new administration expects their own 911 event quite soon to give the new president the pretext he needs to enact the country's new security laws and bring them into line with the other nations already mired in the darkness of Neo con rule.