We here in the News direct offices have spent many, many, many, many, many countless weeks racking our collective brains to try to come up with a star interview that would be appropriate to this season of peace and good will and after considering and then rejecting, Vice president Cheney, the Yorkshire ripper's brother and Duncan from Blue, we decided to go with Mel Gibson.
News direct-Melvin, lovely to meet you I'm a big fan of your guitars.
Mel Gibson-I have nothing to do with Gibson Guitars.
Nd-So it's no good giving you this then?
MG-What is it?
Nd-It's the volume Knob that fell off my Gibson SG, I was hoping I could give you that and you might have one on you, a spare.
MG- I have nothing to do with the Gibson guitar company.
Nd-I had no idea you sold it, probably wise though I see the electric guitar as a fad give it a year and they will all be playing those tube things the elephant thing in the star wars canteen was playing.......what's that called?
MG- I have no idea.
Nd-I would have thought that even though you sold up, you would still keep abreast of all the latest technological innovations within the business.
MG- I have nothing what so ever to do with the Gibson guitar company, can we move on please.
Nd-Mel Gibson.
MG-Yes.
Nd-Why do you hate Jews? Is it because they crucified our lord Jeebus during the sacred Christmas feast of.............God...and the angels.
MG-I don't hate Jews I was misquoted.
Nd-I said that, I said as soon as I read it, I don't believe a man like Mel Gibson would hold an irrational hatred to any particular group of people, he probably just really likes foreskins and is quite disappointed with the Jewish ritual of circumcision......is that it Mel? You're a fan of uncut dick?
MG-I'm not a fan of foreskins, no.
Nd- Oh you like them without?
MG-I don't care! I have no interest in foreskins!
Nd-Oh so it was just that you hate Jews, It's a good job you live in Hollywood. Imagine if you lived somewhere you were surrounded by them, you would be like the least popular neighbour ever.
MG-Can we move on please.
Nd-Wow! You even hate talking about them, you must really hate them.
MG-Move on.
Nd-I bet every Halloween you are the first at the costume shop to get your SS uniform....or do you own your own?
MG-Listen buddy, one more Jewish question and I'm walking, capiche?
Nd-No, I don't capiche, not with my back but I do understand. No more Jewish questions.......we need a final solution to the Jewish question. No more Jewish quesss.....tio.....nsssssssss.
MG-Ask me about my latest film.
ND-Nah, not really a fan of your films. I like a film I don't have to read, I don't read books why should I pay a fiver to read a film? Do you make all your films in native austrailan as some sort of protest against the imposition of the English languague on your people?
MG-I am not Aboriginal.
Nd-Well no but it is very difficult to produce original work these days......you know what with the Je......the people who control Hollywood. (I winked)
MG- I said I'm not Aboriginal, not I'm not original!
Nd-I didn't think you were, I mean why would an abogdidigal start a guitar company.
MG- Jesus christ! I have nothing at all to do with the Gibson guitar company!!!!!!!
Nd-I know you said!!!!! You sold it!!! Funny how as soon as I came to you with a complaint and an obviously faulty knob it's all "I have nothing to do with Gibson blah blah blah"
MG-You better ask me about my new film or I am walking out that door right now.
ND-Pffff! Mel Gibson, what's you new film about?
MG- Well I'm glad you asked, it's the bloody story of a pair of Welsh Siamese twins who fight against English colonial oppression in the welsh homeland.
Nd- So it' s a kind of Braveheart 2, Welsh heart: The singing valleys of old Llandudno.
MG-No it's called "The bloody English shall die"
Nd-Well at least it's fair then, being English I just hope you give us the same fair treatment you gave us in Braveheart, Gallipoli and the Patriot.
MG- My job as a film maker is to show up the injustices of the colonial system.
Nd- So is your next project about the colonial policies of your adopted country?
MG-Next question.
Nd-You are famously Australian, why have you never appeared in Neighbours?
MG-My family moved to America when I was young.
Nd-Oh I thought it was because you are an abrodigital, and the producers are racists.
MG-For the last time I am not a fucking abrodigital...aboriginal!!!!!!!!
Nd-It's nothing to be ashamed of.
MG-I didn't say it was!!
Nd (whispering) Are they between Jews and the English on your "Who I really hate" list?
MG-That's it I'm out of here, watch your back mate!
Nd-Don't threaten me Mel Gibson!!!!! I'm not scared of you and your Opus Dei!!! Albinos hold no fears for me at all, twat!!!
Happy Xmas to all our readers (Obviously that excludes anybody from any law enforcement organisation, any bankers, stockbrokers or anyone affiliated with the international money markets in anyway shape or form, anybody who is now or has ever been a member of the conservative party or indeed "New" Labour. Anyone who doesn't like salted peanuts or thought that 300 was "Brilliant!", anyone who thinks tracksuits are appropriate day wear, any one from Lancashire and lastly but in no means leastly, Gavin Bricknell of 42 keesholme drive, Hull, east Yorkshire, England.)
